Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Sheelagh Tequila » Thu Jun 13, 2019 1:36 pm

Joe these are great :lol: :lol: :lol:
Thanks


Sheelagh :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jun 14, 2019 12:17 am

Cheers Phil, Eddy and Sheelagh. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jun 14, 2019 12:21 am

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella. :lol: :lol: :lol:



I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door. :lol: :lol: :lol:




A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said,




"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Fri Jun 14, 2019 4:33 am

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
***********

I was talking to a young woman last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.";
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the groin, but...
When you're over seventy..............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I went to a club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you're over seventy.............who cares?

Matt (nearly 77 so who cares)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Jun 14, 2019 8:40 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Gardner 180 » Fri Jun 14, 2019 11:52 am

You can LEAD a horse to water....But a pencil must be LEAD. :) :roll:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jun 14, 2019 7:22 pm

I like it Ray. :wink: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Jun 15, 2019 1:28 am

I walked into a chemist and asked could I have a box of condoms, please. That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty :lol: :lol: :lol:



My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working, goodbye”. Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine very strange. :lol: :lol: :lol:




It’s amazing how quickly the sales staff at Ikea come to “assist you” once you take off your trousers and get into


one of their beds. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Sat Jun 15, 2019 7:44 am

Some goodens there Joe :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:30 pm

Cheers Eddy. :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Jun 15, 2019 11:35 pm

I tried to drown my troubles the other night but the wife doesn’t like swimming. :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:





My wife is never satisfied. Yesterday she complained that I never make her breakfast in bed. Today she’s complaining because I put our bed in the kitchen. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Just seen a sign while on holiday in Spain saying “English speaking doctors available”. Fantastic idea, we should have some of those?










In this country as well. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Jun 16, 2019 6:21 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Jun 17, 2019 12:25 am

Cheers Phil. :wink: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Jun 17, 2019 12:29 am

My wife just called me.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.” :lol: :lol: :lol:





I recently got an alcohol tester fitted to my wallet to make sure I don’t drink too much when I’m driving. It’s a picture of my wife when she starts looking good I know I’ve had too much. :lol: :lol: :lol:








A scientific survey recently revealed a horrifying statistic that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.





That means that 75% of women are running around untreated! :shock: :shock: :shock:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jun 18, 2019 3:10 am

Got given a Jehovah’s Witness advent calendar today. Every time you open the door there are 2 people standing behind it. :lol: :lol: :lol:



My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed so I told her I have a headache. :lol: :lol: :lol:






Uncle: The camera on my new iPhone, it’s amazing. It even works under water.
Me: That’s great uncle Steve,





but can I please finish my bath now?? :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Jun 18, 2019 8:51 am

Loved the first one, Joe. :lol: :lol: Shouldn't mock, my sister might be one of them. :oops:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jun 19, 2019 6:43 pm

Cheers Phil. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jun 19, 2019 6:45 pm

I am not racist, my shadow is black. :lol: :lol: :lol:




My wife apologized for the first time ever today! She said she’s sorry she ever married me. :lol: :lol,: :lol:








Apparently, when someone messages you a picture of their new baby it’s offensive to send a message back saying






Better luck next time”! :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jun 20, 2019 6:52 pm

Today my wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men so I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what. she couldn’t do either. :lol: :lol: :lol:



Scientists in Japan have just invested a new camera with a shutter speed that is so fast that they claim they can actually photograph a woman with her mouth closed. :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:





Tesco has installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow.
Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read:













"1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Jun 20, 2019 7:47 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:37 am

Cheers Phil :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Jun 22, 2019 12:48 am

I was shocked when my neighbour gave birth to a snowman today.
I told her it was a bad idea using her late husband's frozen sperm to get pregnant. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Just as we were heading, to bed my girlfriend asked, "Did you put the wheelie-bin out?"
"Ah, no. I'll do it in the morning," I replied.
"What about the cat?" she said.
"Well, I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it," I answered :lol: :lol: :lol:




I've often wondered why Activia adverts are aimed so exclusively at women
"Men experience bloatedness," I thought.
"Why not include them? What's with the focus on women?"
Tonight it struck me...
When men are bloated, they fart. :roll:






They don't go out and spend £2.99 on bleeding yoghurts. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Sat Jun 22, 2019 11:33 pm

I've just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.

I've got a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

My wife's just found out I'd put all the chocolate bars into different wrappers!

She’s got her snickers in a twix !

I bought a dvd last night. It was so bleary, I had to watch it with one eye closed.
It must've been a pirate copy

Sometimes I like to look in the mirror and reflect.

I'm so ugly, I go out on the push.

I've been searching for my stolen bed for three days.
I won't rest until l find it.

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing a surprise party.

If you want to help out with the restoration of our local church, give us a bell.

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

Lost my job at the Vicks Vapour factory yesterday and everybody keeps rubbing it in

I sent my hearing aid off for repair 3 weeks ago. I’ve heard nothing since.

My mate says I have only two faults.
I don't listen........and some other s**t he was rattling on about??!!


I was going to buy a book on phobias, but l was afraid it wouldn't help me

I answered the phone before and all I could hear was someone coughing and sneezing.
Bloody cold callers


Welcome to your IKEA interview
Please build yourself a chair and sit down.

My ex girlfriend told my mate that the reason why we both split up was because i am to obsessed with triangles. I told him not to believe her and that there are 3 sides to every story

WARNING.
To the person who stole my glasses ... I'll find you.
I've got contacts.

Just been offered a new job by this bloke, £600 a week working for the brittle bone society.Snapped his hand off.

Someone stole my mood ring and I don't know how I feel.


I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' dvd.
It was here a minute ago.

Bill
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Jun 23, 2019 1:54 am

Cheers Bill, some good ones there :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Jun 23, 2019 8:19 am

Great ones there, lads. :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:05 am

Cheers Phil. :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Jun 24, 2019 1:08 am

According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.
The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.
I got one of those when I was married. :lol: :lol: :lol:





My wife has Just been to Marks &Spencer's to buy herself a maternity bra.
The shop assistant asked her"What bust?"
"The bleeding condom," She replied!!. :lol: :lol: :lol:









I was just walking through customs when I was stopped by security.
They asked, "Do you mind if we search your bag?"
I said,


"Not at all, she should be along shortly, she's just nipped toilet." :lol: :lol: :lol:Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Jun 24, 2019 8:41 am

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Mon Jun 24, 2019 2:35 pm

:lol: :lol: Bernie, Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jun 25, 2019 12:01 am

Cheers Phil. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jun 25, 2019 12:06 am

Yesterday at the local Library, I asked the Librarian if the book about living with impotence was in yet
He tapped on his computer and said "It's not coming up"
"That's the one" I replied :lol: :lol: :lol:



A little guy is sat at the bar when out of nowhere a bloke punches him in the face and says "Thats kung fu from China."
5 mins later he hits him on the back of the neck
"That's karate from Japan"
The little guy gets up and leaves.
A short time later the little guy comes back and Knocks the guy out cold and say's to the barman





"When that bully comes round tell him that was a feckin shovel from B&Q.!! :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby BossHogg » Tue Jun 25, 2019 12:51 am

To the person that stole my anti-depressants - I hope you're bloody happy now!
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Jun 25, 2019 9:26 am

Love it, Tom. :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jun 25, 2019 7:25 pm

Bernie R wrote:Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”


Sorry I missed this one Bernie. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jun 26, 2019 12:21 am

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?" :lol: :lol: :lol:




A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner.



"You'll never hit her from here." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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