Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jan 11, 2019 1:56 am

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day.
You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and he should make a full recovery. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Three old men were sitting around and talking.
The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement.



The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image



*
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:49 am

I AM REALLY AND TRULY BLOWING A FECKIN GASKET!!!!!
I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in Bootle.
I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
Last night I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it.
I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.
Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."
No refund.
No FREE replacement. :x



I'll tell you what...I am NEVER EVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Jan 12, 2019 9:04 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Jan 14, 2019 8:14 pm

Cheers Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Jan 14, 2019 8:26 pm

Image :lol: :lol: :lol:


My girlfriend and I were on the beach when she said, "Let's make love in the sea."
"Only if we don't go very deep," I replied, "because I can't swim."
A little while later she giggled and asked, "Do you think anybody realises what we're doing?"

"Probably," I said, as another wave broke over my ankles. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Paddy walks into his local butcher's shop and complains about the leg of lamb that he had previously bought, "when I cooked it the joint had shrunk so much it went from 12 inches long to only 4-inches". The butcher said to Paddy" that’s funny my wife knitted me a sweater and when she washed it, it was also 4-inches in length".
"what’s your sweater got to do with my leg of lamb?" asked Paddy



The butcher replied, "well yer daft sod they both must have come from the same sheep." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jan 16, 2019 2:00 am

I rang the RSPCA yesterday and said, "I have just found my dog lying down in a puddle of blood in my back garden."
"That's awful," she said. "Is it moving?"
"Quite emotional, yes." :oops: :( :(


We were having sex when my wife said,
"You're taking a very long time tonight, do you think your Alzheimer’s is starting to affect you?"
"Yes, " I replied, "I can't remember what your sister looks like." :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:



A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)







What THE HELL were you perverts Thinking?

:lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Her husband speaks English!
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Jan 16, 2019 8:03 am

:) :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:15 am

Cheers Phil. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:18 am

With a slight hesitation, I nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet. She groaned.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, I then inserted three more fingers. Her eyes widened.
"Go on, put your whole hand in," she demanded.

I wanted to please her, so I did what she said: I was really sweating by now but she was getting more and more excited.
"It's no good, you're gonna have to put your other hand in as well" she shouted.
I closed my eyes and thrust forward with my other hand and she let out a scream.
"There you go Dave, it's not that hard to do the washing up is it?" she smiled. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Did you know that your 'optic' nerve is connected to your 'anal' nerve?
Don't believe me :?:





Then pull a hair out of your backside and see if your eyes water. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:53 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:57 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby stevom_2009 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:16 pm

nice to see you posting again hope alls well.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:19 pm

Thanks for your comments Phil and Ernie :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:29 pm

stevom_2009 wrote:nice to see you posting again hope alls well.




Thanks Steve, I'm plodding on as you do good days bad days but that's enough from me. It's nice to see you posting again hope Ann and yourself are in good health when are you going to make a comeback on here you're missed by lots of us.
hope to hear from you soon. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby stevom_2009 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:56 pm

thanks Joe, just happy to browse for now things not too bad at the moment be getting memberships for litherland clinics though.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jan 17, 2019 11:10 pm

Cheers Steve, I’m in the same boat as you. :wink:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sat Jan 19, 2019 10:43 am

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

‎The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ....
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

NEW BOOK
A man goes into a book shop and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy..."

POOR LANCE ARMSTRONG -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike! - Willie Nelson

DRIVE BY
A guy broke into my house last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick B****** (Child born out of wedlock)

SCAM WARNING:
Just got scammed out of £25.
I bought Tiger Woods’ new DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money!

Let others know so they won't get scammed too.

Charlie Sheen


SO TRUE...

Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress yourself.

The Moral of the story: In real life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.


QANTAS...

Paddy calls QANTAS to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people will you be flying with?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Jan 19, 2019 11:45 am

Some good ones there, Ernie. :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:39 pm

Thanks for your jokes Ernie, some funny ones there, i don't know where you get them from but keep posting them. :wink: :D :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:42 pm

On my first day working in a factory, the boss came up to me and asked, "How are you getting on?"
I said, "To tell you the truth, I can't believe I'm working in England with all of these different languages. Take that guy over there, for example..."
"That's Pawel," he replied. "He's Polish.

"Okay," I said. "Fair enough. What about that guy over there? What language is he speaking?"
"That's Gabor," he replied. "He's Hungarian."
"Okay," I shrugged. "What about that guy over there, mumbling to himself. What feckin language is he speaking?"
He said,




"That's Bob, he's a Geordie." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:44 pm

Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale....!!
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me"
The girl said "NO"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf every day and drank a lot of beer and whiskey and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted!!!
THE END!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:




Paddy and Mick are in a two-man plane that is spiralling out of control.
Mick says, "If the plane turns upside down, d'ya think we'll fall out?"
"Of course not,"


Paddy replies, "we've been mates for years!" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Jan 20, 2019 9:46 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jan 22, 2019 12:59 am

Cheers Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jan 22, 2019 1:03 am

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe has nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all," asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.



Running Doe replied, "We're called the(“ Indian Nippleless Five Hundred.") :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Jan 22, 2019 10:39 am

Groan. :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Tue Jan 22, 2019 10:54 am

:roll: :roll: :roll:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jan 23, 2019 2:29 am

Thanks, Phil and Ernie. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jan 23, 2019 2:36 am

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my Butt, he said:
"Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable."
"Just then," I said, "when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming." :lol: :lol: :lol:


My wife bought a new table lamp home, after messing with it for ten minutes she said,
"Huh, the dam things like you, it won't work. "
So I had a look at it for a while,
"More like you, " I said, " it's not wired up right and can't be turned on. " :lol: :lol: :lol:



After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child wasn't theirs. She told her husband what she found out, the husband said you don’t remember do you. When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and left the dirty one there.


The wife fainted. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Jan 23, 2019 8:12 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jan 24, 2019 1:54 am

Cheers Phil. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jan 24, 2019 2:01 am

Paddy & Mick sat having a pint...A lorry goes past with rolls of turf on, Paddy says "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery."
Mick says "Wot drive a wagon?"
Paddy says "No ya silly prat, send my grass away to be cut..." :lol: :lol: :lol:




Paddy the Irishman buys a new bath but returns to the shop the following day for a refund.
"The water keeps running out of it" he explains
The shop assistant looks puzzled and says, "You did buy a plug for it didn't you?"
"Ah for feck sake!" says Paddy rather angrily, "you never said it was electric Bath :lol: :lol: :lol:




Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it’s obvious," says the lifeguard, "You're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style.

Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside "em.
I'm telling" you mate you will have all the babes you want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his new tight Speedos and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,
"What"s wrong now :?: "











"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "Mate, the potato goes in front. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Jan 24, 2019 9:32 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jan 25, 2019 11:47 pm

Cheers Ernie. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jan 25, 2019 11:54 pm

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair :?: :?:
Apparently the answer I should have given was Africa. :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:




I got into a fight with a doorbell salesman the other day.
It was a right ding-dong. :lol: :lol: :lol:



Little Johnny was sitting in class on Monday morning when the teacher started asking the class what they had done over the weekend.
when she got around to Johnny, he said "My grandfather got burnt on Saturday
" The teacher said, " I hope he wasn't burnt too badly".


Johnny said, " They don't muck around at the crematorium". :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Jan 26, 2019 11:03 pm

I was driving to the supermarket; the missus was in the passenger seat,
Her head hanging out of the window in the breeze.
I said "keep your head inside, love...
I don't want people to think it's a Feckin cattle truck" :lol: :lol: :lol:


Mick goes to work painting white lines on the motorway with a tin of paint and a brush, after the first day he accomplishes 4 miles later that day his boss congratulates him.
The next day Mick paints 2 miles of white lines... so his boss said, "yeh that's acceptable."
On the third day, he only does 1/4 of a mile... the boss says, "What's wrong you did 4 miles the first day?"
Mick replies, "Yeh but the tin keeps getting further away". :lol: :lol: :lol:




Paddy is on his final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant, he has only 1 lifeline left phone a friend. 'which bird does not make a nest,?
A Sparrow,
B Swallow,
C blackbird or D Cuckoo'
Paddy calls Murphy. Murphy answers 'bejesus its a cuckoo 100% Paddy wins the million.
Afterwards, Paddy rings Murphy 'how the hell did u know that?



Murphy says well Paddy yer thick git.. it lives in a fecken clock. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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