Joes Jokes
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for all your comments Paul, Loretta and Tom.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he sees one of the Little Folk.
He sneaks up and catches him in his stare and demands three wishes for the little man’s freedom. "Granted," says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reilly will get twofold!"
Now O'Reilly is no friend of O'Neil, in fact, they hate each other, but O'Neil agrees. "For my first wish, I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women."
"Granted, and of course O’Neil gets two!"
"For my second wish, I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac."
"Granted, and of course O'Reilly gets two women."
Now by this stage, O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reilly getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs.
Suddenly inspiration hits him "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident.
They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.
The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"
The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be telling' them. But I'll be telling' them I wasn't the one drinking.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
He sneaks up and catches him in his stare and demands three wishes for the little man’s freedom. "Granted," says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reilly will get twofold!"
Now O'Reilly is no friend of O'Neil, in fact, they hate each other, but O'Neil agrees. "For my first wish, I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women."
"Granted, and of course O’Neil gets two!"
"For my second wish, I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac."
"Granted, and of course O'Reilly gets two women."
Now by this stage, O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reilly getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs.
Suddenly inspiration hits him "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"
An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident.
They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road.
The Rabbi says, "Oy vey! What a wreck!"
The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"
The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."
The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."
The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"
"Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be telling' them. But I'll be telling' them I wasn't the one drinking.
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
Cheers Joe.
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BossHogg
- Posts: 572
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
- Location: Netherton, Maryport.
- Contact:
The version I heard of this was his final wish was a mild heart attack.fatboyjoe90 wrote: ↑Sun May 24, 2020 12:56 am O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he sees one of the Little Folk.
He sneaks up and catches him in his stare and demands three wishes for the little man’s freedom. "Granted," says the man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reilly will get twofold!"
Now O'Reilly is no friend of O'Neil, in fact, they hate each other, but O'Neil agrees. "For my first wish, I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and beautiful women."
"Granted, and of course O’Neil gets two!"
"For my second wish, I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac."
"Granted, and of course O'Reilly gets two women."
Now by this stage, O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reilly getting two mansions and two nymphomaniacs.
Suddenly inspiration hits him "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!"
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BossHogg
- Posts: 572
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
- Location: Netherton, Maryport.
- Contact:
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BossHogg
- Posts: 572
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
- Location: Netherton, Maryport.
- Contact:
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BossHogg
- Posts: 572
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
- Location: Netherton, Maryport.
- Contact:
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BossHogg
- Posts: 572
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
- Location: Netherton, Maryport.
- Contact:
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BossHogg
- Posts: 572
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
- Location: Netherton, Maryport.
- Contact:
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BossHogg
- Posts: 572
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
- Location: Netherton, Maryport.
- Contact:
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's Tom. 
Last edited by fatboyjoe90 on Wed May 27, 2020 11:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Irishman, Englishman, and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law, you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.
Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.
The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil.
When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.
Next came the German. "Under Saudi law, you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.
Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard
"Nothing," said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.
The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law, you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.
Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside when he comes to a petrol station,
He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?".
The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol."
So, the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?"
And the attendant respond’s "Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that.
The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this?
The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres?
Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.
The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil.
When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.
Next came the German. "Under Saudi law, you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.
Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard
"Nothing," said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.
The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law, you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported.
Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
A man is driving along in the Irish countryside when he comes to a petrol station,
He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?".
The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol."
So, the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?"
And the attendant respond’s "Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that.
The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant "Just what kind of petrol station is this?
The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man "To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres?
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for your comments Phil, and Paul.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
A farmer is overseeing his herd when suddenly a brand-new car appears out of a cloud of dust and starts advancing towards him.
The driver, a young man in a suit, leans out the window and asks the farmer: “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a snob, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers: “Sure, why not?”
The man parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer. He turns to the farmer and says: “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer. “Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.”
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the farmer says to the young man: “Hey if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a politician,” says the farmer.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the man. “But how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required,” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter.
“This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
I'm getting so fed up with double standards for men and women.
When my wife phoned John Lewis and asked to speak to someone in nightwear they put her straight through, but when I called and asked if I could talk to someone in crotchless panties.
They hung up and called the police.!!
The driver, a young man in a suit, leans out the window and asks the farmer: “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
The farmer looks at the man, obviously a snob, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers: “Sure, why not?”
The man parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer. He turns to the farmer and says: “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer. “Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.”
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the farmer says to the young man: “Hey if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a politician,” says the farmer.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the man. “But how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required,” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter.
“This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
I'm getting so fed up with double standards for men and women.
When my wife phoned John Lewis and asked to speak to someone in nightwear they put her straight through, but when I called and asked if I could talk to someone in crotchless panties.
They hung up and called the police.!!
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for that Paul.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
BBC News :
Warning over 'hugging muggings'.
Or as it is known worldwide "Marriage".
My bald mate walked into the pub with a coin glued to the top of his head.
I said, "What the hell is that on your head"?
He replied, "It's my 2p
One day, little Mikey comes home from school for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen! he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his dad, stripped naked, on top of his mother.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,
Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride too?
Of course, Son, we're a family.
So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
Hang on Dad cries Mikey, this is where me and the postman usually fall off.
Warning over 'hugging muggings'.
Or as it is known worldwide "Marriage".
My bald mate walked into the pub with a coin glued to the top of his head.
I said, "What the hell is that on your head"?
He replied, "It's my 2p
One day, little Mikey comes home from school for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen! he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his dad, stripped naked, on top of his mother.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks,
Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride too?
Of course, Son, we're a family.
So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.
Hang on Dad cries Mikey, this is where me and the postman usually fall off.
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
- Posts: 1038
- Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
- Location: Stalybridge Manchester
- Contact:
Irish Golf Championship
Mick and Patrick are standing on the 18th tee at their Dublin Country Club.
They are the final twosome in the Irish Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley, descending down to a dogleg right.
Both Mick and Patrick hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.
Mick and Patrick look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number. They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway.
Mick looks at Patrick and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out. This is the Irish Country Club Championships and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball. After all, we are tied for the lead.”
Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf balls. He then looks up at Mick and Patrick and the Rules Official and says,
"Which one of you is playing the orange ball...?"
Mick and Patrick are standing on the 18th tee at their Dublin Country Club.
They are the final twosome in the Irish Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley, descending down to a dogleg right.
Both Mick and Patrick hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.
Mick and Patrick look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number. They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway.
Mick looks at Patrick and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out. This is the Irish Country Club Championships and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball. After all, we are tied for the lead.”
Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf balls. He then looks up at Mick and Patrick and the Rules Official and says,
"Which one of you is playing the orange ball...?"
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for your Comments Phil, Paul and Bee glad you liked the 2p one
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for your joke Ernie, it's good one.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for that Paul.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
A young female teacher was giving her class of six-year-olds a quiz "behind my back I've got something red, round and you can eat it. what is it?" she asked.
"an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking."
"I've now got something round, a greenish coloured you can eat it."
"An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking."
Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class say’s "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end."
"Dirty little boy," said the teacher "
No, it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered
Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory, the manager asks ''Have you worked with chemicals before?''
''Yes,'' Paddy replied.
The manager then asks ''Can you tell me what nitrate is?''
Paddy replies ''Yes it's time and a half''
I'm getting so fed up with double standards for men and women.
When my wife phoned John Lewis and asked to speak to someone in nightwear they put her straight through, but when I called and asked if I could talk to someone in crotchless panties
they hung up and called the police.!!
"an apple" replied little Raymond "no," said the teacher " it's a tomato but it shows your thinking."
"I've now got something round, a greenish coloured you can eat it."
"An apple," replied little Ian "No it's an onion, but it shows your thinking."
Little scruffy Johnny at the back of the class say’s "I've got something under my desk that's an inch long, white and it has a red end."
"Dirty little boy," said the teacher "
No, it's a match, but it shows you were thinking," he answered
Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory, the manager asks ''Have you worked with chemicals before?''
''Yes,'' Paddy replied.
The manager then asks ''Can you tell me what nitrate is?''
Paddy replies ''Yes it's time and a half''
I'm getting so fed up with double standards for men and women.
When my wife phoned John Lewis and asked to speak to someone in nightwear they put her straight through, but when I called and asked if I could talk to someone in crotchless panties
they hung up and called the police.!!
Cheers Joe.
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BossHogg
- Posts: 572
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
- Location: Netherton, Maryport.
- Contact:
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Matt
- Posts: 1198
- Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
- Location: vancouver island
My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the COVID-19 Virus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test. This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctors tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, and because they're shutdown too.
Directions:
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.
If ants gather:
DIABETES.
If you pee on your feet:
PROSTATE.
If it smells like a barbecue:
CHOLESTEROL.
If your wrist hurts when you shake it:
OSTEOARTHRITIS
If you return to your house with your johnson outside your pants:
ALZHEIMER'S.
Matt
Directions:
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.
If ants gather:
DIABETES.
If you pee on your feet:
PROSTATE.
If it smells like a barbecue:
CHOLESTEROL.
If your wrist hurts when you shake it:
OSTEOARTHRITIS
If you return to your house with your johnson outside your pants:
ALZHEIMER'S.
Matt