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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

I tried to drown my troubles the other night but the wife doesn’t like swimming. :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:





My wife is never satisfied. Yesterday she complained that I never make her breakfast in bed. Today she’s complaining because I put our bed in the kitchen. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Just seen a sign while on holiday in Spain saying “English speaking doctors available”. Fantastic idea, we should have some of those?










In this country as well. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Cheers Phil. :wink: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

My wife just called me.
She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”
I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.” :lol: :lol: :lol:





I recently got an alcohol tester fitted to my wallet to make sure I don’t drink too much when I’m driving. It’s a picture of my wife when she starts looking good I know I’ve had too much. :lol: :lol: :lol:








A scientific survey recently revealed a horrifying statistic that 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.





That means that 75% of women are running around untreated! :shock: :shock: :shock:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Got given a Jehovah’s Witness advent calendar today. Every time you open the door there are 2 people standing behind it. :lol: :lol: :lol:



My wife suggested we should try some role reversal in bed so I told her I have a headache. :lol: :lol: :lol:






Uncle: The camera on my new iPhone, it’s amazing. It even works under water.
Me: That’s great uncle Steve,





but can I please finish my bath now?? :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Loved the first one, Joe. :lol: :lol: Shouldn't mock, my sister might be one of them. :oops:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Cheers Phil. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

I am not racist, my shadow is black. :lol: :lol: :lol:




My wife apologized for the first time ever today! She said she’s sorry she ever married me. :lol: :lol,: :lol:








Apparently, when someone messages you a picture of their new baby it’s offensive to send a message back saying






Better luck next time”! :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Today my wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men so I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what. she couldn’t do either. :lol: :lol: :lol:



Scientists in Japan have just invested a new camera with a shutter speed that is so fast that they claim they can actually photograph a woman with her mouth closed. :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:





Tesco has installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow.
Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the machine.
He mixed tap water with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read:













"1. Your tap water is too hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Cheers Phil :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

I was shocked when my neighbour gave birth to a snowman today.
I told her it was a bad idea using her late husband's frozen sperm to get pregnant. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Just as we were heading, to bed my girlfriend asked, "Did you put the wheelie-bin out?"
"Ah, no. I'll do it in the morning," I replied.
"What about the cat?" she said.
"Well, I'll ask him but I don't think he'll be able to push it," I answered :lol: :lol: :lol:




I've often wondered why Activia adverts are aimed so exclusively at women
"Men experience bloatedness," I thought.
"Why not include them? What's with the focus on women?"
Tonight it struck me...
When men are bloated, they fart. :roll:






They don't go out and spend £2.99 on bleeding yoghurts. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

I've just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.

I've got a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

My wife's just found out I'd put all the chocolate bars into different wrappers!

She’s got her snickers in a twix !

I bought a dvd last night. It was so bleary, I had to watch it with one eye closed.
It must've been a pirate copy

Sometimes I like to look in the mirror and reflect.

I'm so ugly, I go out on the push.

I've been searching for my stolen bed for three days.
I won't rest until l find it.

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing a surprise party.

If you want to help out with the restoration of our local church, give us a bell.

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

Lost my job at the Vicks Vapour factory yesterday and everybody keeps rubbing it in

I sent my hearing aid off for repair 3 weeks ago. I’ve heard nothing since.

My mate says I have only two faults.
I don't listen........and some other s**t he was rattling on about??!!


I was going to buy a book on phobias, but l was afraid it wouldn't help me

I answered the phone before and all I could hear was someone coughing and sneezing.
Bloody cold callers


Welcome to your IKEA interview
Please build yourself a chair and sit down.

My ex girlfriend told my mate that the reason why we both split up was because i am to obsessed with triangles. I told him not to believe her and that there are 3 sides to every story

WARNING.
To the person who stole my glasses ... I'll find you.
I've got contacts.

Just been offered a new job by this bloke, £600 a week working for the brittle bone society.Snapped his hand off.

Someone stole my mood ring and I don't know how I feel.


I can't find my 'Gone in 60 seconds' dvd.
It was here a minute ago.

Bill
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Cheers Bill, some good ones there :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Great ones there, lads. :lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Cheers Phil. :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.
The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.
I got one of those when I was married. :lol: :lol: :lol:





My wife has Just been to Marks &Spencer's to buy herself a maternity bra.
The shop assistant asked her"What bust?"
"The bleeding condom," She replied!!. :lol: :lol: :lol:









I was just walking through customs when I was stopped by security.
They asked, "Do you mind if we search your bag?"
I said,


"Not at all, she should be along shortly, she's just nipped toilet." :lol: :lol: :lol:Image
Cheers Joe.
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol: Bernie, Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Cheers Phil. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Yesterday at the local Library, I asked the Librarian if the book about living with impotence was in yet
He tapped on his computer and said "It's not coming up"
"That's the one" I replied :lol: :lol: :lol:



A little guy is sat at the bar when out of nowhere a bloke punches him in the face and says "Thats kung fu from China."
5 mins later he hits him on the back of the neck
"That's karate from Japan"
The little guy gets up and leaves.
A short time later the little guy comes back and Knocks the guy out cold and say's to the barman





"When that bully comes round tell him that was a feckin shovel from B&Q.!! :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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BossHogg
Posts: 570
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
Location: Netherton, Maryport.
Contact:

To the person that stole my anti-depressants - I hope you're bloody happy now!
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Love it, Tom. :lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Bernie R wrote:Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.
The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not raise the dead.”
Sorry I missed this one Bernie. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?" :lol: :lol: :lol:




A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner.



"You'll never hit her from here." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
EdMcDonald
Posts: 1281
Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2008 4:09 pm
Location: Sherwood Park Alberta Canada

>> The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow
>man. Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight
> from Dublin to Chicago, the lead flight attendant nervously made the
> following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and
> gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a
> terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have
>103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner
> meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
>When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she
> continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that
> someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of
our 10 hour flight.> Her next announcement came about 1/2 hour later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
:wink:
Home of the "Edmonton Oilers" Future Stanley Cup Champions. :D
A long way from Duncan B.C. :wink:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

filsgreen wrote::lol: :lol:

Cheers Phil. :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Ed, it's a cracker :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. "They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." :lol: :lol: :lol:







Image Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Irish guy goes on Mastermind:
"Your chosen subject?" Magnus Magnusson asked.
"Easter Rising of 1916, sir," replied Pat.
"Time starts now ... How long did the Easter Rising last?"
"Pass."
"Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
"How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
"That's right, Pat - don't tell the Feckers anything!" :lol: :lol: :lol:









Mom asked Little Johnny if he had enjoyed his school's field trip.
"Yeah, it was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, and feckers."
Mom said, "Uh, fine, fine. I know what sheep, horses and goats are, but what is a, er, um, 'feckers'?"
Johnny said, "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk."
Mom said, "But who said they were called, er, you know, 'feckers'?"
Johnny replied, "That was our teacher."
"She actually called them 'feckers'!" said Mom, astonished.








"Well actually she called them 'effers,' but we all knew what she meant." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

A Billy Connolly special, always sounds better with the Scottish lilt. :lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
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Location: merseyside

I'll try a highland fling for you next time Phil. :wink: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A man was arrested for murder but bribed a member of the jury to hold out for manslaughter. The jury was out for 8 hours but when it returned the verdict was manslaughter. He smiled at the man he had bribed and whispered 'I'm really grateful, I hope it wasn't too difficult'. 'It was touch and go said the man, the others wanted to acquit you' :lol: :lol: :lol:


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue."Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!" :lol: :lol: :lol:




I went to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first day after I got my new teeth, I talked for only eight minutes.

The second day, I talked for only ten minutes.
The following day, I talked for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

My mates had to mob me to get me to shut up and They asked me what happened.
I explained the first day my gums hurt so bad I couldn't Talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second day my gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes But, the third day,







I put the wife's teeth in by mistake and I couldn't shut up :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
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