Joes Jokes

[fatboyjoe90]

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole,” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”






As an aeroplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,





"Here, iron this!

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”

The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.



Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The Irishman replied,






"These are Carol's"

[john j connell]

Chris Eubank has just written a book about Ethics.
If it's a success his next one will be about Kent. JJC.

[fatboyjoe90]

Bery cleber John.

[filsgreen]

Good ones, lads.

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

A man on a beach sees a shark near a child in the shallows.
Ignoring personal safety, he dives in the water and, with his bare hands, kills the shark.
He brings the tot to shore and is met with tumultuous applause from spectators.

"Geez, mate," says a reporter "You should get a medal. What part of Australia are you from?"
Modestly our hero says: "Actually I'm from England."
The next day's newspaper headline says "Pommy mongrel kills child's pet"




A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tombstone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, "Why didn't you get me a gift?" the husband says, "You haven't used the one I got you last year!"







Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer,

"Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the lion saying a prayer.




"Thank you, Lord, for the food I am about to receive."

[fatboyjoe90]

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly." :lMrs





When Mrs. Ghandi went to Moscow, Khrushchev took her for a tour of the city in his limo. Recalling his visit to India, He started giving her a hard time about the sanitary conditions there.
"When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere."

Poor Mrs Ghandi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment, because just ahead was a man sitting on his heels, $hitting on the side of the road. She pointed this out.
Khrushchev was livid and didn't hesitate: "Driver, get out immediately and shoot that man!"
The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly, and then returned to the car.






"Sir, I can't shoot that man, he's the Indian ambassador."

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item.





"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.

But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away when I came in the room," the Marine explained.



"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said.



'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[fatboyjoe90]

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say,

"Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling, and they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me."

There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee.

Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?"

So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good idea since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed us some martinis.

After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room.
In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids.







And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.

[filsgreen]

Long....but worth it.

[Gardner 180]

My sister Barbara works for the Gas Board...do you want a meter.

[filsgreen]

Groan

[fatboyjoe90]

Keep them coming, boys, I love them.

[fatboyjoe90]

I am not racist, my shadow is black




My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.
Serves him right.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

Earlier today my wife asked me to pass her some lip balm but I ended up giving her superglue by mistake.







She’s still not talking to me.

[fatboyjoe90]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
The judge looks at Mickey and says, "So Mr Mouse, you want to divorce your wife because you say she has buck teeth."
Mickey shouts back at the judge, "I didn't say she had buck teeth

I said she’s bloody Goofy!"




Me, and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today. The counsellor asked us; “What seems to be the problem?”

“Well,” I said, “Dolly Parton here thinks I’m too sarcastic.”




My wife turned to me during her mother’s funeral and hissed, “When we get home later, I’m going to make you fecking pay for this!”
For the life of me I couldn’t think of what I had done wrong.










Maybe it’s because I wasn’t sharing my popcorn

[filsgreen]

[Eddy Lloyd]

[Sheelagh Tequila]

Joe these are great
Thanks


Sheelagh

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil, Eddy and Sheelagh.

[fatboyjoe90]

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.



I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.




A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said,




"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

[Matt]

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?";
I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
***********

I was talking to a young woman last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.";
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.";
Cost me a fat lip, but...
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the groin, but...
When you're over seventy..............who cares?
*********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're over seventy.............who cares?
**********

I went to a club last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you're over seventy.............who cares?

Matt (nearly 77 so who cares)

[filsgreen]

[Gardner 180]

You can LEAD a horse to water....But a pencil must be LEAD.

[fatboyjoe90]

I like it Ray.

[fatboyjoe90]

I walked into a chemist and asked could I have a box of condoms, please. That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty



My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working, goodbye”. Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine very strange.




It’s amazing how quickly the sales staff at Ikea come to “assist you” once you take off your trousers and get into


one of their beds.

[Eddy Lloyd]

Some goodens there Joe

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Eddy.