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filsgreen
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:lol: :lol:
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a turban headed bearded guy with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife asked what was going on.

My reply "That b*****d next door still has the spade he borrowed from me".
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fatboyjoe90
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Ernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Little Johnny Is Back.
The teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Molly put her had up and said my family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating.

The teacher said that was good but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.
Sally raised her hand she said my family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.
The teacher said that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.

Little Johnny raised his hand but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate so she called on him.
Johnny said my aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!


The teacher sat down and cried. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is sceptical, but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in and says, "What are you doing here!?!"



The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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:D :D
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Thanks for that Phil. :wink: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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I was walking through the car park in Tesco and I saw a bloke sat in his car playing with himself.
I couldn't believe it. He was staring at his crotch with his tongue out, his hand a blur and the whole car was shaking.
Disgusted, I banged on the window.
Turned out he was doing a Scratchcard. :lol: :lol: :lol:



Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – breakdancing, moonwalking back flips the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.


" Husband says: "Looks like he’s still feckin celebrating!! :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But, she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them; perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me. " he replied.
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fatboyjoe90
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Ernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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My wife was furious this morning when I came home drunk from a party.
"You feckin GIT!" she screamed.
"Oh that's it," I said, "Start on me as soon as I walk through the door."
"What the hell do you expect me to say?" she yelled.
I said, "A happy new year would be nice." :lol: :lol: :lol:




A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. 'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation?' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied.
'We're not going to have babies.




Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!' :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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Nice one, Ernie and Joe. Keep them coming. :lol:
Eddy Lloyd
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Location: Waterloo

:) :) :)
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
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Location: merseyside

Thanks for that Phil and Eddy. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

A gorgeous blonde found an old lamp and stroked it gently.
"I wonder if a genie will come," she mused.
From inside the lamp, she heard, "Yes, if you rub a bit faster." :lol: :lol: :lol:





It's been 6 months since my wife disappeared.
The police reckon there's still a chance she could just turn up and walk through the front door.




So I've moved just to be on the safe side. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

That's not so bad,what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" the man asked again.

The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

" So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "

Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

"Some things you just can't explain."
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filsgreen
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:lol: :lol: Good one, Ernie.
Eddy Lloyd
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Location: Waterloo

:) :) :)
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Bonesy
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Location: Lydiate

[quote="fatboyjoe90"]I was walking through the car park in Tesco and I saw a bloke sat in his car playing with himself.
I couldn't believe it. He was staring at his crotch with his tongue out, his hand a blur and the whole car was shaking.
Disgusted, I banged on the window.
Turned out he was doing a Scratchcard. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Lians hairdresser tells a similar story that she claims actually happened to her.

In the salon she was cutting a gents her when she noticed that the man was playing with himself under the Cape she had place on him.
She whacked him over the head with a hairbrush calling him a dirty old b@stard.
Startled he said "excuse me but I was cleaning my glasses" :lol:

Keith
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filsgreen
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:D :D
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

Keith. Like I always say....the true ones are
the best.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Some more good ones there guys keep them coming. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

I just got banned from B&Q some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking, luckily I got I got the first punch in. :lol: :lol: :lol:



Dave and his wife are playing a round of golf and he chips a lovely shot out of the bunker and onto the green.
' It's about the length of my penis away from the hole, ' shouts Dave.




' Well keep watching, it might drop in, ' replies his wife. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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:lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Cheers Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day.
You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and he should make a full recovery. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Three old men were sitting around and talking.
The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement.



The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image



*
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

I AM REALLY AND TRULY BLOWING A FECKIN GASKET!!!!!
I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in Bootle.
I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
Last night I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it.
I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.
Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."
No refund.
No FREE replacement. :x



I'll tell you what...I am NEVER EVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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:lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
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Location: merseyside

Cheers Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Image :lol: :lol: :lol:


My girlfriend and I were on the beach when she said, "Let's make love in the sea."
"Only if we don't go very deep," I replied, "because I can't swim."
A little while later she giggled and asked, "Do you think anybody realises what we're doing?"

"Probably," I said, as another wave broke over my ankles. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Paddy walks into his local butcher's shop and complains about the leg of lamb that he had previously bought, "when I cooked it the joint had shrunk so much it went from 12 inches long to only 4-inches". The butcher said to Paddy" that’s funny my wife knitted me a sweater and when she washed it, it was also 4-inches in length".
"what’s your sweater got to do with my leg of lamb?" asked Paddy



The butcher replied, "well yer daft sod they both must have come from the same sheep." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

I rang the RSPCA yesterday and said, "I have just found my dog lying down in a puddle of blood in my back garden."
"That's awful," she said. "Is it moving?"
"Quite emotional, yes." :oops: :( :(


We were having sex when my wife said,
"You're taking a very long time tonight, do you think your Alzheimer’s is starting to affect you?"
"Yes, " I replied, "I can't remember what your sister looks like." :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:



A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)







What THE HELL were you perverts Thinking?

:lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Her husband speaks English!
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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:) :lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Cheers Phil. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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With a slight hesitation, I nervously inserted a finger: it felt warm and wet. She groaned.
"I'm gonna need more than that," she said.
Taking a breath, I then inserted three more fingers. Her eyes widened.
"Go on, put your whole hand in," she demanded.

I wanted to please her, so I did what she said: I was really sweating by now but she was getting more and more excited.
"It's no good, you're gonna have to put your other hand in as well" she shouted.
I closed my eyes and thrust forward with my other hand and she let out a scream.
"There you go Dave, it's not that hard to do the washing up is it?" she smiled. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Did you know that your 'optic' nerve is connected to your 'anal' nerve?
Don't believe me :?:





Then pull a hair out of your backside and see if your eyes water. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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:lol: :lol:
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