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Bonesy
Posts: 3454
Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2008 2:05 pm
Location: Lydiate

Bernie :lol: :lol: :lol:

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.

Steven Gerrard (Liverpool Captain) addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Jamie Carragher (Stevies mate and Liverpool defender) gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 15 or 20 seconds Carragher says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Carragher starts sobbing.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Carragher closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'


Keith
henry
Posts: 1869
Joined: Tue Mar 21, 2006 6:45 pm

I was in that crowd at Anfield and they were hard questions
HENRY BORN FLORIDA STREET OFF STRAND ROAD
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

The inventor of the anagram has died.

Erect a penis


Maybe I shouldn't have posted that as it's not funny mixing letters up. I suffer badly from Dailysex :lol: :lol:
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says "I did some schoolwork"
The robot slaps the son.
The son says "Ok, Ok,I was at a friends house watching movies"
Dad asks "What movie did you see?"
"Toy Story"
The robot slaps the boy
Son says "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.
Dad says "What? At your age I didn' know what porn was"
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says "Well, he certainly is your son"
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

Bill
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a mobile phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen:

MAN: “Hello?”

WOMAN: “Hi honey, it’s me, are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s £2,000, is it okay if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “£60,000”

MAN: ”Ok, but for that price I want all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was chatting to Sue, and that house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking for £980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Offer them £900,000. They’ll probably take it, but if not, we can do the extra £80,000 if you really want it.”

WOMAN: “Ok, I’ll see you later. I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you too.”

The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Eddy Lloyd
Posts: 3333
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

:) :) :)
Silver-Haired-Hippy
Posts: 3398
Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:50 pm
Location: Abergele

:lol: :lol: :lol: liking all the jokes!!! By the way, anybody heard how Joe is doing?

Loretta
A bit of Bootle in Wales
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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Technology

To next door neighbour:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this.

The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards,

Richard


On reading this text, Fred, the next door neighbour, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi Fred, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “WI-FI” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
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Bonesy
Posts: 3454
Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2008 2:05 pm
Location: Lydiate

Excellent Ernie.

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.
' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.


Keith
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence , 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? **** ... Is it midnight already?'
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as the 'Best come-back line ever.'
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

The moral is...….Never eat a pumpkin with a hole in it. :roll:
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
Kathy John Moorcroft
Posts: 3119
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2006 5:42 am
Location: New South Wales, Australia

Not noticed Joe's name for a while, is he ok.?

"Hey, Mum," asked Johnny, "can you give me £20?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what Dad said to the maid, when you were at the hairdressers."
His mother's ears pricked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow'."

:D :D

Kathy.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
Man. 'Done'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** with me again. You're in my closet now!'
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

The Lion Sleeps Tonight


At any time, the urge to sing this song is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Who would have thought?

Bill
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Image
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Bonesy
Posts: 3454
Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2008 2:05 pm
Location: Lydiate

Very good Bern :D

This is meant to be true and genuine, but I doubt it as Lykes is incorrect spelling :lol: :lol:

Image


Keith
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

I made myself a snowman,
As perfect as can be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet,
So let it sleep with me.
I made it some pyjamas,
And a pillow for its head.
Last night the ******* vanished,
And pissed the f*ckin’ bed!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

A
Local animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night and escaped with 5,000 Turkeys...

A spokesman for the gang said..

"We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted"...
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
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Invicta
Posts: 2749
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2015 6:46 pm
Location: Garden of England

Nice one Ernie, very seasonal :lol: :lol: :lol: Ken
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

I was walking through the cemetery the other evening when three young girls approached and asked if they could join me as they were scared to walk through cemeteries unaccompanied.

I said "You are welcome. I was always afraid of cemeteries when I was alive".

I finished the walk on my own.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A married couple were walking in the country and had been heatedly arguing and insulting each other as married couples do..

As they passed a herd of jackasses the wife said "Relatives of yours I imagine?".

The husband replied "Yes. In-laws".
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Smoking in the Rain

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
size, texture, the brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thank you to all of you, for keeping Joes Jokes going with some real crackers,
Cheers Guys. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Blonde goes to the Doctors "Doctor I only have 2 weeks till I'm due to give birth, what's the best position to give birth?"
The doctor replied, "the same position in which the baby was conceived is the usual".
The blond replies "bent over the bonnet of a Fiesta outside the Red Lion it is then" :oops: :lol: :lol:


In the pub last night my mate said to me, "Have you ever seen a flying saucer?"
I said, "Yeah when my wife found out I was cheating on her.
There were plates and cups as well." :lol: :lol: :lol:

As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.
"Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?" she giggled.
"No love, don't mind him!" I said.

"It's just you're eating off his plate :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:Image
Cheers Joe.
Eddy Lloyd
Posts: 3333
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

:) :)
Sheelagh Tequila
Posts: 1203
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2010 11:17 pm
Location: Formby

So good to see you posting again Joe...welcome back.

Sheelagh :D
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Sheelagh Tequila wrote:So good to see you posting again Joe...welcome back.

Sheelagh :D
Thanks for that Sheelagh, it's good to be back. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind
of a six-year-old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.

She read "and so, the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly
"I think the man would have said -"Well, feck me!! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. :lol: :lol: :lol:








A little girl asks her Mum, 'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her Mum replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block?

I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come and ask you.' Dad said,
'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.
Surprised, Dad asked 'Where's Belle
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home.' :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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