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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks for your jokes folks. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A very attractive young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still, they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering,
I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."
The Englishman immediately piped up "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".
"That's no better either, Hamish." "Now, how about you, Paddy? "
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to five and eventually blurted out: "London".
"Brilliant, Paddy! " said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.



After 10 minutes of steamy sex, Paddy said: .........."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-derry." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Ernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.



"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
Kathy John Moorcroft
Posts: 3119
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2006 5:42 am
Location: New South Wales, Australia

Some crackers there guys, :D :D

Kathy.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks, Graham and Kathy. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"







"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks for that Phil and Graham. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma.
One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk.
Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma?
The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma.
"I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered.
"But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny...



I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:D :D
EdMcDonald
Posts: 1281
Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2008 4:09 pm
Location: Sherwood Park Alberta Canada

Meet Walter Barnes

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all, how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."

Then he calmly returned to his seat.
Home of the "Edmonton Oilers" Future Stanley Cup Champions. :D
A long way from Duncan B.C. :wink:
Kathy John Moorcroft
Posts: 3119
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2006 5:42 am
Location: New South Wales, Australia

Haha, keep em coming. :D :D
One we got in Christmas cracker.


One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.”

His wife asked, “How do you know?”

“Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

Haha, well I thought it was funny. :D :D

Kathy.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Did you get that out of a cracker, Kathy? :lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks for your jokes Ed, Kathy and Phil. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A nurse entered a patient's room and asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
"In...in front of you?" He mumbles, shyly.
The nurse says: "Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before.
You've got nothing I haven't seen a thousand times."
The man said, "Not one like mine.
You would die laughing at my naked body."
"Of course I won't laugh!" said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life.
In length and width it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
The nurse, a professional, managed to keep herself from laughing, but did smile a bit.
Feeling bad, she asked him about his symptoms.
"Well," he said, "there are two problems.
One is that it won't stop getting hard."
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
Immediately feeling bad that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me.
On my honour as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.


She ran out of the room. :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.
Second, I’d advise you to relax.
Let’s have a cup of coffee, then!!



“Let’s put all these Frosties back in the box.” :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
Matt
Posts: 1198
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

Joe I can honestly say your "blonde with the jigsaw" joke is one of the funniest
ones I have ever heard.Keep up the good work :lol:
Matt
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Cheers, Matt. :wink: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Hadn't heard that one either, Joe :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks for that Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

My wife was really angry and upset last night after finding out I had been having an affair with my secretary and started shouting at me.
"How could you!" she yelled
"Honey it just happened, it wasn't like I planned it"
"Yeah right! I bet you come on to her!"
"Actually no, I didn't, most of it ended up on the desk, so don't start throwing accusations about" I replied.
After that, she just walked out without even responding.
Bless her, she must be feeling guilty now.




I'm sure things will work themselves out once she has apologized, I'm not one to hold a grudge. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Bit risque that one, Joe. :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Glad you liked it, Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, Poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God.

He opens it and discovers it's from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who Dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another envelope. He opens it and reads:

"Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have been so bleak otherwise.



"P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

The old ones are the best, mate. :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Sorry about Phil. I’ll try and do better next time. :( :roll:
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Don't be sorry, Joe, just keep them coming :)
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Pulled Muscle
Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.
"How are you, Richard?" asked George.
"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard.
"I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me."
"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.
Richard yawned and said,


"Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

The Perfect Shot
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed and driving his partner nuts.
Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball."
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot."



"Forget it, you don't stand a chance of hitting her from here." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Wednesday afternoon, a fourth-grade teacher announces to her class, "Children, I'm going to ask you a question, and if anyone can answer it correctly, they can take tomorrow off from school." Of course, this gets the immediate and undivided attention of all the students. They lean forward in their chairs and listen intently.

"All right," says the teacher, "here is the question: How many grains of sand are there on the beach at the Oak Street beach?" Needless to say, none of the children knows the answer.

The following day, the teacher says, "If you can answer today's question correctly, you may take tomorrow off from school. The question is: How many drops of water are there in the Lake Michigan?"

The children sit in silence, frustrated by the second impossibly difficult question. Little Johnny, sitting in the back of the class, is particularly annoyed. "I'm gonna fix her,' he thinks. That night, he goes home and paints two golf balls black.

Friday, the teacher says, "Okay, here is today's question..." But before she can get it out, Johnny rolls the two painted golf balls to the front of the room. With a loud clatter, the golf balls hit the wall right below the blackboard.

Startled, the teacher looks around the room and says, "All right, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

"Eddie Murphy," Johnny replies. "I'll see ya Tuesday."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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