Joes Jokes

Join in here with our very own Bootle Chatterbox...
Post Reply
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

How can you spot the Irish Jew at the Wailing Wall? - He's the one with the harpoon. :D

------------------------
An Irishman came home and told his wife he had been banned from the local DIY store.
"Why?" She asked.
"Well," he said, "a bloke in overalls came up to me and asked if I wanted decking, so I thought I'd get the first punch in"
:D :D
------------------------

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, what are those two bulges down the front of your trousers?"
"They're hand grenades," said Paddy. The next time that queer Flanagan comes in here and starts feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!" :D

Bill
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

Hitler went to a psychic to find out what day he would die. After looking into her crystal ball, the psychic said "Mein Fuhrer, you will die on a Jewish holiday."
Hitler was shocked. "Well which holiday is it?" he demanded.
The psychic replied. "Fuhrer, the day that you die will always be a Jewish holiday."
------------------------------------

What did the German bisexual do? - She went down on her Hans and niece. :D

Bill
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Eddy and Phil, I'm not that bad am i :?: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Some good ones there Bill, thanks for posting them. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

I must of had my zipper down when I slapped my wife at Walmart.
I could hear people murmuring,"OMG what a prick!" :oops: :D :D


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust,
'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back and said: 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!' :lol: :lol: :lol:


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.
He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks,
'What did you do?'
Paddy replies, 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!' :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:D :D
User avatar
Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

:lol: :lol: :lol:
User avatar
Bernie R
Posts: 5597
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks, guys. :D :D :D

One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out! Bernie. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Four men are sat in a bar when one of them says 'What do you think the fastest thing ever is?'.
The four men then think for a while and the first man says 'I think it's got to be blinking'.
The second man then says 'Nope, I think it's gotta be thoughts because they're almost instant'.
The third man then says 'Well I think it's electricity' and then demonstrates it's speed by flicking a light switch on and off.
The fourth man then speaks up and says 'Nope. Your all wrong.

The fastest thing ever is diarrhoea.'
The other three men then look at him puzzled before he responds by saying 'The other day I had diarrhoea and I ran into my bathroom and before I could blink, think or turn on the light, I'd $hit my pants'. :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:


"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!!" :oops: :D :D :D Image
Cheers Joe.
Matt
Posts: 1198
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”.
She answers: “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive”.
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy - to have a nun kiss me”.
She responds: “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic”.
The cab driver is very excited and says: “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says: “Pull into the next alley”.
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child”, said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish”.
The nun says: “That’s OK! My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
Matt
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Matt. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said .....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......

'Gits won't let me fart' :oops: :lol: :lol:

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTISH LASS!......
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
..The first man married a Greek girl
. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...
.The third man married a girl from Perth He ordered her to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day.
The first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything either,
...... but by the third day, some of the swellings had gone down,
he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
Kathy John Moorcroft
Posts: 3119
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2006 5:42 am
Location: New South Wales, Australia

Haha, Joe and jokers, thanks for the chuckles . :lol: :lol:

Kathy.
User avatar
Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back five minutes later:

"Computer really screwed up now."
User avatar
filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:D :D thought there'd be a few Everton ones by now :cry:
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Ernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

filsgreen wrote::D :D thought there'd be a few Everton ones by now :cry:
Phil, i don't think it's funny it could be Liverpool. :wink:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

I don’t know if I've posted this before I'm sure Matt will let know.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an aeroplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
"Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ate a bacon sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent for several minutes.
Finally, the rabbi quietly observed, "Beats the **** out of a bacon sandwich doesn't it?" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

At the Vet

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black - are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the brown and says, 'So why are you here?' The brown lab replies, 'I keep peeing I pee on everything - the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I peed in the middle of my owner's bed.'

The black lab says, 'So what is the vet going to do?' 'Gonna give me Prozac,' came the reply from the brown lab. 'All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.' He then turns to the yellow lab and asks, 'Why are you here?'

The yellow lab says, ' I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a big hole in my owner's couch.' 'So what are they going to do to you?' the black lab inquired. 'Looks like Prozac for me too,' the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. I'm a humper,' the black lab says. 'I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping away.' :oops:


The yellow and brown labs exchange a sad glance and say, 'So, Prozac for you too, huh?' The black lab says, 'No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.' :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
Matt
Posts: 1198
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad
because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
Matt
Kathy John Moorcroft
Posts: 3119
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2006 5:42 am
Location: New South Wales, Australia

Great to see your joke page is still cheering everyone Joe. :D

Well done all, some crackers. :lol:

Kathy.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Matt, :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks a lot for that Kathy, glad to see that you're well enough to post again, you've been missed. :wink: :) :)
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving.
"Erm... Morning," I said, "I need some erm... God, this is embarrassing..."
"Don't you worry sir," she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, "I get this every day!"
I smiled back.
"Condoms?" she said.
"No," I said.
"Suppositories?" she said.
"No," I said.
"Tampons?"
"No."
"Well, it can't be that embarrassing then, sir," she said with a smile.
"Paracetamol," I said.
"Paracetamol?" she said with a puzzled look. "£1.99 please. What's so embarrassing?"


Then I pulled out my little pink purse. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image

Cheers Joe.
Matt
Posts: 1198
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.
"Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi".
Matt
Kathy John Moorcroft
Posts: 3119
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2006 5:42 am
Location: New South Wales, Australia

Haha Joe. :D

Matt an oldie but a goodie. :D

Kathy.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Matt, :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks for that Kathy. :wink: :) :)
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Escaped Zebra

Someone left the zebra's cage open by accident, and he escaped and ran to a local farm.

He approached an old hen and asked, 'What do YOU do around here?'

She said, 'I lay eggs for the farmer's breakfast.'

Then he walked over to a cow and asked, 'What do YOU do around here?'

She said, 'I give milk for the farmer's breakfast.'

Then he walked over a huge stallion and asked, 'What do YOU do around here?'

He said, 'Take off those faggy pyjamas.


And I'll show you EXACTLY what I do around here!' :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
User avatar
Bernie R
Posts: 5597
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her night dress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
User avatar
Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man (His country of origin omitted to avoid racist allegations) started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'
The third man replied, 'To be sure. To be sure. These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
User avatar
filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

A couple of crackers there :lol: :lol:
User avatar
Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

Second Christmas Joke. (Its a cracker).

The country of Min from mid Africa has created a Department of espionage agents.

You might refer to them as MIN SPIES.
:oops: :oops: :oops: :
Post Reply