Bootle Times News

nice to see you posting again hope alls well.

Thanks for your comments Phil and Ernie

stevom_2009 wrote:nice to see you posting again hope alls well.

Thanks Steve, I'm plodding on as you do good days bad days but that's enough from me. It's nice to see you posting again hope Ann and yourself are in good health when are you going to make a comeback on here you're missed by lots of us.
hope to hear from you soon.

thanks Joe, just happy to browse for now things not too bad at the moment be getting memberships for litherland clinics though.

Cheers Steve, I’m in the same boat as you.

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

‎The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ....
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

NEW BOOK
A man goes into a book shop and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy..."

POOR LANCE ARMSTRONG -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike! - Willie Nelson

DRIVE BY
A guy broke into my house last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick B****** (Child born out of wedlock)

SCAM WARNING:
Just got scammed out of £25.
I bought Tiger Woods’ new DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money!

Let others know so they won't get scammed too.

Charlie Sheen


SO TRUE...

Before sex, you help each other get naked.
After sex, you dress yourself.

The Moral of the story: In real life, no one helps you once you've been screwed.


QANTAS...

Paddy calls QANTAS to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people will you be flying with?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane."

Some good ones there, Ernie.

Thanks for your jokes Ernie, some funny ones there, i don't know where you get them from but keep posting them.

On my first day working in a factory, the boss came up to me and asked, "How are you getting on?"
I said, "To tell you the truth, I can't believe I'm working in England with all of these different languages. Take that guy over there, for example..."
"That's Pawel," he replied. "He's Polish.

"Okay," I said. "Fair enough. What about that guy over there? What language is he speaking?"
"That's Gabor," he replied. "He's Hungarian."
"Okay," I shrugged. "What about that guy over there, mumbling to himself. What feckin language is he speaking?"
He said,




"That's Bob, he's a Geordie."

Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale....!!
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "will you marry me"
The girl said "NO"
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf every day and drank a lot of beer and whiskey and had money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted!!!
THE END!!!!!




Paddy and Mick are in a two-man plane that is spiralling out of control.
Mick says, "If the plane turns upside down, d'ya think we'll fall out?"
"Of course not,"


Paddy replies, "we've been mates for years!"

Cheers Phil.

A young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one anomaly, however."
"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"
"Well, you have no nipples."
"None of the people in my tribe has nipples," she replied.
"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Carolina Journal of Medicine if you don't mind."
She said, "OK."
"First of all," asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"
She answered, "Approximately 500."
"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.



Running Doe replied, "We're called the(“ Indian Nippleless Five Hundred.")

Groan.

Thanks, Phil and Ernie.

At my prostate exam earlier, the Doctor dropped my trousers and slid his finger up my Butt, he said:
"Let me know when it becomes uncomfortable."
"Just then," I said, "when your receptionist dimmed the lights and started filming."


My wife bought a new table lamp home, after messing with it for ten minutes she said,
"Huh, the dam things like you, it won't work. "
So I had a look at it for a while,
"More like you, " I said, " it's not wired up right and can't be turned on. "



After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child wasn't theirs. She told her husband what she found out, the husband said you don’t remember do you. When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go change him, so I went inside and got a clean one and left the dirty one there.


The wife fainted.

Cheers Phil.

Paddy & Mick sat having a pint...A lorry goes past with rolls of turf on, Paddy says "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery."
Mick says "Wot drive a wagon?"
Paddy says "No ya silly prat, send my grass away to be cut..."




Paddy the Irishman buys a new bath but returns to the shop the following day for a refund.
"The water keeps running out of it" he explains
The shop assistant looks puzzled and says, "You did buy a plug for it didn't you?"
"Ah for feck sake!" says Paddy rather angrily, "you never said it was electric Bath




Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it’s obvious," says the lifeguard, "You're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style.

Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside "em.
I'm telling" you mate you will have all the babes you want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his new tight Speedos and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him,
"What"s wrong now "











"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard. "Mate, the potato goes in front.

Cheers Ernie.

I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women have the curliest hair
Apparently the answer I should have given was Africa.




I got into a fight with a doorbell salesman the other day.
It was a right ding-dong.



Little Johnny was sitting in class on Monday morning when the teacher started asking the class what they had done over the weekend.
when she got around to Johnny, he said "My grandfather got burnt on Saturday
" The teacher said, " I hope he wasn't burnt too badly".


Johnny said, " They don't muck around at the crematorium".

I was driving to the supermarket; the missus was in the passenger seat,
Her head hanging out of the window in the breeze.
I said "keep your head inside, love...
I don't want people to think it's a Feckin cattle truck"


Mick goes to work painting white lines on the motorway with a tin of paint and a brush, after the first day he accomplishes 4 miles later that day his boss congratulates him.
The next day Mick paints 2 miles of white lines... so his boss said, "yeh that's acceptable."
On the third day, he only does 1/4 of a mile... the boss says, "What's wrong you did 4 miles the first day?"
Mick replies, "Yeh but the tin keeps getting further away".




Paddy is on his final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant, he has only 1 lifeline left phone a friend. 'which bird does not make a nest,?
A Sparrow,
B Swallow,
C blackbird or D Cuckoo'
Paddy calls Murphy. Murphy answers 'bejesus its a cuckoo 100% Paddy wins the million.
Afterwards, Paddy rings Murphy 'how the hell did u know that?



Murphy says well Paddy yer thick git.. it lives in a fecken clock.

Cheers Phil.

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room got quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"



There were three friends that always wanted to play golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because of their wives objections.
So one day after many years they finally got together on the golf course and were waiting at the first tee when one guy said.
"I had to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play today!!!"
The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps; I didn't have to buy my wife anything!!!"
They both looked at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy when I got up this morning I looked her straight in the eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse "


She threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might get chilly out there!"

Cheers Eddy.

A married man's prayer:
Dear God, you gave me childhood, you took it away.
You gave me youth, you took it away.
You gave me a wife; it's been years now,
Just Saying......



I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today. "It was only last week that I had it all," he said, "A chef to cook my food, cleaners to do my cleaning and wash my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head."
"What happened?" I replied, "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"
"No, I was let out of prison."


My wife and I had been attacked in our home and the burglars were going through the rooms when I heard them coming back.
"Quick," I whispered to her, "feign death."
"How do I do that?" she whispered back.





"Easy," I said. "Pretend we're having sex."

Cheers Phil.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea.
I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3 am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.
You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home.
I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me, all night and even into the next morning.
Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it.


During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level
He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand,
jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors kinda guy!”









”No,” he replied, “I'm just a really $hitty golfer.”

I was driving my car over to see some relatives when I noticed a 'flash'. I knew I wasn't speeding but, to be sure, I drove around the corner and passed the same place, but even slower. It flashed again.

A little bemused about this I repeated the manoeuvre two or three more times, each time going even slower till I was almost at snails pace, But it flashed again and again. I carried on my journey and forgot about it.




Three weeks later I got six tickets for failing to wear a seat belt.