Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Dec 19, 2018 10:19 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Invicta » Wed Dec 19, 2018 10:24 am

Nice one Ernie, very seasonal :lol: :lol: :lol: Ken
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sat Dec 22, 2018 10:22 am

I was walking through the cemetery the other evening when three young girls approached and asked if they could join me as they were scared to walk through cemeteries unaccompanied.

I said "You are welcome. I was always afraid of cemeteries when I was alive".

I finished the walk on my own.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A married couple were walking in the country and had been heatedly arguing and insulting each other as married couples do..

As they passed a herd of jackasses the wife said "Relatives of yours I imagine?".

The husband replied "Yes. In-laws".
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:32 pm

Smoking in the Rain

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
size, texture, the brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'


The pharmacist fainted. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Dec 31, 2018 4:42 pm

Thank you to all of you, for keeping Joes Jokes going with some real crackers,
Cheers Guys. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jan 03, 2019 12:30 am

Blonde goes to the Doctors "Doctor I only have 2 weeks till I'm due to give birth, what's the best position to give birth?"
The doctor replied, "the same position in which the baby was conceived is the usual".
The blond replies "bent over the bonnet of a Fiesta outside the Red Lion it is then" :oops: :lol: :lol:


In the pub last night my mate said to me, "Have you ever seen a flying saucer?"
I said, "Yeah when my wife found out I was cheating on her.
There were plates and cups as well." :lol: :lol: :lol:

As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.
"Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?" she giggled.
"No love, don't mind him!" I said.

"It's just you're eating off his plate :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Thu Jan 03, 2019 10:15 am

:) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Sheelagh Tequila » Thu Jan 03, 2019 12:40 pm

So good to see you posting again Joe...welcome back.

Sheelagh :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jan 04, 2019 12:56 am

Sheelagh Tequila wrote:So good to see you posting again Joe...welcome back.

Sheelagh :D


Thanks for that Sheelagh, it's good to be back. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jan 04, 2019 1:15 am

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind
of a six-year-old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather
the building materials for his home.

She read "and so, the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw
and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly
"I think the man would have said -"Well, feck me!! A talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. :lol: :lol: :lol:








A little girl asks her Mum, 'Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her Mum replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he is in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block?

I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come and ask you.' Dad said,
'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog.
Surprised, Dad asked 'Where's Belle
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home.' :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Jan 04, 2019 7:20 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:00 am

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a turban headed bearded guy with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife asked what was going on.

My reply "That b*****d next door still has the spade he borrowed from me".
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jan 04, 2019 9:24 pm

Ernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jan 04, 2019 9:27 pm

Little Johnny Is Back.
The teacher asked the class to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
Molly put her had up and said my family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating.

The teacher said that was good but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.
Sally raised her hand she said my family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.
The teacher said that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.

Little Johnny raised his hand but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate so she called on him.
Johnny said my aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!


The teacher sat down and cried. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Jan 06, 2019 12:38 am

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is sceptical, but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"
So he lies down next to the wife.
Just then the husband walks in and says, "What are you doing here!?!"



The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Jan 06, 2019 8:51 am

:D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:50 am

Thanks for that Phil. :wink: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:54 am

I was walking through the car park in Tesco and I saw a bloke sat in his car playing with himself.
I couldn't believe it. He was staring at his crotch with his tongue out, his hand a blur and the whole car was shaking.
Disgusted, I banged on the window.
Turned out he was doing a Scratchcard. :lol: :lol: :lol:



Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – breakdancing, moonwalking back flips the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.


" Husband says: "Looks like he’s still feckin celebrating!! :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Mon Jan 07, 2019 12:41 pm

A dog lover, whose female dog came "in heat," was concerned about keeping it and her male separated. But, she had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them; perplexed as to what to do next, although it was very late at night, she called her vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me. " he replied.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:06 am

Ernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:09 am

My wife was furious this morning when I came home drunk from a party.
"You feckin GIT!" she screamed.
"Oh that's it," I said, "Start on me as soon as I walk through the door."
"What the hell do you expect me to say?" she yelled.
I said, "A happy new year would be nice." :lol: :lol: :lol:




A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. 'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'
'How about transportation?' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied.
'We're not going to have babies.




Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!' :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Jan 08, 2019 8:16 am

Nice one, Ernie and Joe. Keep them coming. :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Tue Jan 08, 2019 1:59 pm

:) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 1:10 am

Thanks for that Phil and Eddy. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jan 09, 2019 1:22 am

A gorgeous blonde found an old lamp and stroked it gently.
"I wonder if a genie will come," she mused.
From inside the lamp, she heard, "Yes, if you rub a bit faster." :lol: :lol: :lol:





It's been 6 months since my wife disappeared.
The police reckon there's still a chance she could just turn up and walk through the front door.




So I've moved just to be on the safe side. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Jan 09, 2019 9:21 am

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."

That's not so bad,what's the big deal?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened?" the man asked again.

The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."

"Again?"

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

" So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."

"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."

The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "

Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

"Some things you just can't explain."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:19 am

:lol: :lol: Good one, Ernie.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Wed Jan 09, 2019 11:13 am

:) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bonesy » Wed Jan 09, 2019 1:33 pm

[quote="fatboyjoe90"]I was walking through the car park in Tesco and I saw a bloke sat in his car playing with himself.
I couldn't believe it. He was staring at his crotch with his tongue out, his hand a blur and the whole car was shaking.
Disgusted, I banged on the window.
Turned out he was doing a Scratchcard. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Lians hairdresser tells a similar story that she claims actually happened to her.

In the salon she was cutting a gents her when she noticed that the man was playing with himself under the Cape she had place on him.
She whacked him over the head with a hairbrush calling him a dirty old b@stard.
Startled he said "excuse me but I was cleaning my glasses" :lol:

Keith
SO MANY PEOPLE, MY FAMILY OF FRIENDS
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Jan 09, 2019 3:00 pm

:D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Jan 09, 2019 7:02 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Keith. Like I always say....the true ones are
the best.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jan 10, 2019 12:58 am

Some more good ones there guys keep them coming. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jan 10, 2019 1:01 am

I just got banned from B&Q some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking, luckily I got I got the first punch in. :lol: :lol: :lol:



Dave and his wife are playing a round of golf and he chips a lovely shot out of the bunker and onto the green.
' It's about the length of my penis away from the hole, ' shouts Dave.




' Well keep watching, it might drop in, ' replies his wife. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:45 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jan 11, 2019 1:45 am

Cheers Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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