Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Aug 22, 2018 11:25 pm

Cheers Phil. :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Aug 22, 2018 11:29 pm

MAN goes into a Supermarket I'd like to buy some dog food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog?

MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Where is he?

MAN: He's at home.
CHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry, I can't sell this dog food to you unless I see the dog. Store policy.

The next day, the man returns.
MAN: I'd like to buy some cat food.
CHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a cat?

MAN: Yes.
CHECKOUT LADY: Well...where is he?

MAN: He's at home!
CHECKOUT LADY: Sorry, I can't sell this cat food to you unless I see your cat.

The next day the man returns.
CHECKOUT LADY: What's in the sack?

MAN: Put your hand inside.
CHECKOUT LADY: Hmmm...It's warm and moist! What is it :?:













MAN: I'd like to buy some toilet paper. :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Aug 23, 2018 5:03 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Sep 03, 2018 10:18 am

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home he asks the taxi driver if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For £100, the taxi driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and taxi driver tiptoe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Range Rover I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE paid for our house in the lake district.
HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly bills!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the taxi driver and says, 'What would you do?'

The taxi driver replies, 'I'd cover his @rse with that blanket before he catches pnuemonia!"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bonesy » Mon Sep 03, 2018 10:57 am

That's good Bern but not as good as the one the other day about the two women, hahaha.
Try this one for size.
Image

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bonesy » Mon Sep 03, 2018 11:00 am

Courtesy of my mate Bernie Rushworth

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to wee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ar@e that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Sep 04, 2018 12:00 am

Keith :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Sep 04, 2018 12:40 pm

:D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Fri Sep 07, 2018 9:21 am

An elderly couple in their 70's were about to get married.
She said: I want to keep my house.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to keep my Cadillac.
He said: That's fine with me.
She said: I want to have sex 6 times a week.
He said: That's fine too, put me down for Fridays.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Sep 07, 2018 12:58 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bonesy » Fri Sep 07, 2018 4:17 pm

Bernie :lol: :lol: :lol:

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.

Steven Gerrard (Liverpool Captain) addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Jamie Carragher (Stevies mate and Liverpool defender) gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'

After 15 or 20 seconds Carragher says, ' Forty!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'

So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'

Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Carragher starts sobbing.

But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'

Silence hangs over the stadium.

Carragher closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,

'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'


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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby henry » Fri Sep 07, 2018 4:25 pm

I was in that crowd at Anfield and they were hard questions
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Sat Sep 08, 2018 12:58 pm

The inventor of the anagram has died.

Erect a penis


Maybe I shouldn't have posted that as it's not funny mixing letters up. I suffer badly from Dailysex :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Thu Sep 27, 2018 4:21 pm

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says "I did some schoolwork"
The robot slaps the son.
The son says "Ok, Ok,I was at a friends house watching movies"
Dad asks "What movie did you see?"
"Toy Story"
The robot slaps the boy
Son says "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn.
Dad says "What? At your age I didn' know what porn was"
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says "Well, he certainly is your son"
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Oct 13, 2018 11:30 am

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a mobile phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stopped to listen:

MAN: “Hello?”

WOMAN: “Hi honey, it’s me, are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes.”

WOMAN: “I’m at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s £2,000, is it okay if I buy it?”

MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “£60,000”

MAN: ”Ok, but for that price I want all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was chatting to Sue, and that house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking for £980,000 for it.”

MAN: “Offer them £900,000. They’ll probably take it, but if not, we can do the extra £80,000 if you really want it.”

WOMAN: “Ok, I’ll see you later. I love you so much!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you too.”

The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turned and asked “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Sat Oct 13, 2018 11:38 am

:) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Silver-Haired-Hippy » Sat Oct 13, 2018 11:47 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: liking all the jokes!!! By the way, anybody heard how Joe is doing?

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Oct 14, 2018 4:23 pm

Technology

To next door neighbour:

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this.

The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.

Regards,

Richard


On reading this text, Fred, the next door neighbour, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi Fred, Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “WI-FI” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Oct 14, 2018 5:04 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bonesy » Tue Oct 16, 2018 11:46 am

Excellent Ernie.

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.
' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.


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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Thu Oct 18, 2018 7:50 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence , 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:
'A pumpkin? **** ... Is it midnight already?'
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as the 'Best come-back line ever.'
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Oct 18, 2018 8:27 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:

The moral is...….Never eat a pumpkin with a hole in it. :roll:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Thu Oct 18, 2018 8:37 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Kathy John Moorcroft » Sun Oct 21, 2018 8:37 pm

Not noticed Joe's name for a while, is he ok.?

"Hey, Mum," asked Johnny, "can you give me £20?"
"Certainly not."
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what Dad said to the maid, when you were at the hairdressers."
His mother's ears pricked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow'."

:D :D

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Mon Oct 22, 2018 9:54 am

THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£250'
Man. 'Done'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '£750'
Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** with me again. You're in my closet now!'
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Tue Oct 30, 2018 9:59 am

The Lion Sleeps Tonight


At any time, the urge to sing this song is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Who would have thought?

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Nov 13, 2018 8:27 am

I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Nov 13, 2018 8:52 am

Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bonesy » Fri Nov 16, 2018 10:26 am

Very good Bern :D

This is meant to be true and genuine, but I doubt it as Lykes is incorrect spelling :lol: :lol:

Image


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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Nov 16, 2018 10:56 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Fri Nov 16, 2018 5:16 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Fri Nov 16, 2018 7:38 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Mon Nov 26, 2018 8:07 pm

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:01 am

I made myself a snowman,
As perfect as can be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet,
So let it sleep with me.
I made it some pyjamas,
And a pillow for its head.
Last night the ******* vanished,
And pissed the f*ckin’ bed!
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Dec 19, 2018 9:56 am

A
Local animal rights protesters broke into a Turkey farm outside Dublin last night and escaped with 5,000 Turkeys...

A spokesman for the gang said..

"We will be releasing the birds back into the wild, just as soon as they have been defrosted"...
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