Joes Jokes

[fatboyjoe90]

Paddy and Murphy were going down a mine.
Paddy went down the ladder first.
Murphy was rather apprehensive about going down so he peered down the hole and asked. "Is it dark down there Paddy?"
Paddy Replied "I don't know, I can't see!


A foreign bloke asked me "What are those really annoying black and yellow creatures that sting people?"
I replied "They're called Traffic Wardens.



Paddy goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours from the bottle onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.
"Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.
"No, not at all," says the chemist.
"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.






The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.

[fatboyjoe90]

I saw my mate today, covered in bandages and with broken ribs.
"What the heck happened to you?" I asked.
"The wife gets violent during sex," came his reply.
"That's a bit much! Why don't you stop having sex then?"

"Because I can't resist her sister," he replied.



Paddy and Murphy were having a game of pretend pirates.
Getting into character Paddy shouted, "Where is me Bukkeneers?!!"

Murphy shouted back " On the Side of Yer Bukken' Head!"



My dog was so traumatized by all the banging, screeching and wailing on Saturday night that she cowered behind the sofa and didn't come out until the whole racket was over.

From now on we're going to put her in the kitchen when we watch the X Factor.



Paddy: "I snore so loudly, I even wake myself up."


Mick: " Why don’t you sleep in the spare room then."

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

My wife told me she's been going to the gym 5 days a week.
"But you haven't lost any weight," I said.
"I know," she said, "I'm only the cleaner."


The council road sweeper did our street last Tuesday.
As I came back from town I caught him stamping on a snail.
"Whatever did that poor defenceless creature do to harm you?" I asked.
"You what?" He said, "that bugger's been following me about all day."


I remember last Halloween.
I heard a knock at the door at about 8 pm.
I looked out the window, then started throwing eggs and squirting my water pistol.
"Get the heck off my property you little toe rags!" I shouted.
"Paul! Calm down, it's just my parents" my wife growled.



I said, "I know, I'm not blind".

[fatboyjoe90]

A DIY fertility test went on sale in Boots stores across Britain this weekend, allowing men to carry out sperm count checks at home.
I tested mine and found just three sperm.

Two had asthma and one couldn't swim.



I was in charge of the music at work today and nobody had any requests so I played a bit of Alicia Keys - Girl on fire

Which lost me my job at the crematorium.


Lets take more risks in the bedroom" I said to my wife

Maroon with Peach wasn't quite what I had in mind!!



As I slowly rubbed in the oil, the hairless pink flesh felt like luscious silk.
I pressed it into all the creases and tight little folds, I licked my lips at the thought of slowly slipping it inside.
But I'd put it in too early and it was all dry and it smelt funny.

I bloody hate cooking turkey.



A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?"
She says, "Once, and I saw rage."
Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?"










The wife says "Because he was looking through the window at us."

[filsgreen]

[Bernie R]

Just been asked the time by a British Gas repairman.
I said it’s between 8am & 8pm.

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

Just been asked the time by a British Gas repairman.
I said it’s between 8am & 8pm.

Bernie.

[fatboyjoe90]

I saw a Genie the other day and he was trembling from head to toe.
He asked me "Why am I so frightened?"
I replied, "It's obvious, your bottle's gone."



How do you turn a Dishwasher into a Snow Plough?
Buy the wife a shovel.



I said to my wife, "By the end of today, we'll finally be in the black."
"Why have we got enough money to pay off the overdraft?" she asked.

"No," I said, "we don't have enough money to pay the electric bill."



I asked my neighbour, "Have you seen my wife about?"
He said, "No, did you try giving her a ring?"

I replied, "Yes, twenty years ago, and I've been regretting it ever since."




A Scotsman, applied to join to the New York City police force.
The inspector glared at him and asked, 'How would you disperse a large, unruly crowd?'
'Well,' replied Jock thoughtfully, 'I'm no too sure how ye do it here in New York, but in Aberdeen we just







pass the hat around, and they soon begin to shuffle off.

[fatboyjoe90]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman are walking in the country when they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence, arse pointing at them.
The Englishman says "I wish that was Emma Watson".
The Scotsman says "I wish that was Mila Kunis".
The Welshman says "I wish it was dark".




There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one.
One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man.
As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over.
At the last minute, he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid the judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"












The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"

[filsgreen]

Thanks for finding them, Joe.

[fatboyjoe90]

My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right Bloody idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.



I went for a job interview earlier as a tree surgeon. He started pointing to trees and I had to tell him what they were.
Then he asked me if I knew which was the front and which was the back of this oak tree.
I had a look around the tree and then said, "Yes, this is the front, and this is the back."
"That's incredible!" he said, "How do you know that?"
I said, "Because someone's had pee behind it."




I just sent a subscription off to a website that promised me instructions on how to make my woman tremble and shake, drive my woman crazy.







All it bloody said was " Stop flushing the toilet and leave the seat upright"

[fatboyjoe90]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'.





As a treat for the summer holidays, I took my Wife on the London Eye.
She seemed excited at first, but as we started going around, the moaning began.
"Sweetheart, I'm frightened", and "dearest, it's too high. I want to get off"
I could see the other passengers shifting uncomfortably,
so, in the end, I opened the carriage door and let the annoying Bitch in.




Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"








And the man replied,( "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.”)

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

I BET YOU NEVER KNEW THIS
If you close your eyes and rub a Kiwi fruit in one hand and rub one of your testicles on the other hand
it’s difficult to tell the difference.
It will also get you banned from ASDA


This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams.
Many years ago I came a close 2nd in the Miss Brazil 1949 competition. Later that year I emigrated and was beset by a long period of bad luck.

I suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders. I lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident. Later, I suffered 90% burns in an unprovoked acid attack. Several of my teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a bitch fight outside a Chicken Cottage. The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts. But I never stopped believing.
And then finally last week I was crowned Miss Scotland 2013.


This guy has a pet duck he takes it everywhere with him and hates to be separated from it .....
One day he decides to go to the cinema to see the latest blockbuster.
He walks up duck under his arm but is told "sorry no pets including ducks allowed "
So he stuffs the duck down the front of his trousers and pays in, and sits next to two girls.
A short time later the first girl says to the second girl “That man’s fly is undone and his thing keeps popping out ”
The second girl replies “So what, you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all”.




The first Girl says “Yeah but this one keeps eating my popcorn!”:lol:

[fatboyjoe90]

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'
The woman thinks about this throughout the night but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."
Come the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."
"Um... the head."
"Good. Eight seconds."
"Um... the heart."
"That's right. Five seconds."
"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"




Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bag six.
As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."
The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board. He had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick: "Any idea where we are ?"











"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick.

[filsgreen]

[Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)]

Just a few here but they are like a brides list. Some are old, some are new new and some are blue.
..............................................................................................................................................
Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.

Valentine's Day: Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. “Ours is prettier," she replies.

63 Pakistanis died on Christmas Island this morning. It was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed in the detention centre collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA

[fatboyjoe90]

Ernie.

[Eddy Lloyd]

[fatboyjoe90]

NEWSFLASH!
The Irish government have announced that, as of next week, all cars in Ireland will now drive on the right- hand side of the road.
If this is a success, all buses and lorries will follow a week later.


Paddy with 2 burnt ears went to the doc who asked what happened? Paddy said 'The phone rang and i accidentally picked up the iron!' 'What happened to the other one' the doc asked?
Paddy said 'The muckers called back again'


A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off. He asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.' I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

And then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park, The Death Slide, the Corkscrew, The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald'sWhere he ordered her a Happy Meal With extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?' Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'




The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it Wrong.

[Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He Walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if
she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her
again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the
14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw
the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the
bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she
was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the
sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!”

--

[fatboyjoe90]

Ernie

[fatboyjoe90]

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about £300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his chequebook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for £1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy £1,200."

[ALAMO2008]

A 3 year old boy being bathed by by his Mum.

Looks down at his Testicles and asks his Mum :

"Mum are these my Brains ?"

She Replies: " No, ...........Not Yet Son !"

[filsgreen]

 

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.
The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
'My penis is frozen solid.'
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,
'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned the mother said,
'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

[Bill fawcett]

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I

Bill

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks, for your jokes guys.

[fatboyjoe90]

A golfer on a golfing holiday in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back on holiday. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out £50 I didn't even know was there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'


'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Naval Padre.

[fatboyjoe90]

My lesbian neighbours asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they don’t mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they are pretty easy going. For 3 months now, we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them.


I had a vasectomy last year.

[filsgreen]