Joes Jokes

[fatboyjoe90]

Two brothers, a seven-year-old and a four-year-old, were lying in their room in bed one night when the elder brother said, "You know what, I think we are old enough to start swearing. Tomorrow, I will swear and then you swear after me." The younger brother agrees and they go to sleep.
The next morning the boys' mum asks her oldest son what he wants for breakfast and he replies, "I'll have some Coco Pops, bitch."

The mother slaps him across the face and he lands on the floor, crying his eyes out. She then turns to the four-year-old and says, "What do you want?"
He replies, "I'm not sure but I don't want any feking Coco Pops."



Three old men were sitting around and talking.
The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m."







A woman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband."




The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, "Good trade."

[filsgreen]

[BossHogg]

I was recently asked at a job interview if I could perform under pressure. I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I could have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody.

[filsgreen]

Tom

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks Phil, and Tom.

[fatboyjoe90]

Paddy and Murphy were driving along when they came up to a road junction.
Paddy said to Murphy what's it like your side?
Murphy said it's the same but without the steering wheel.


My girlfriend gave me a detective book and said I'd never be able to work out 'whodunit'.
Stupid bitch, it tells you on the front cover, Agatha Christie.




There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk.
One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately, traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.
The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for.
Wait for it
Attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.

[fatboyjoe90]

A young man, who worked at a driving range, picked up a couple of dozen old balls one day and took them home with him, stuffing them into his pants pockets. On the bus on his way home, an elderly old lady sat down next to him, so he had to scrunch them up to make room for her.

He noticed after a while the lady was glancing sideways toward his pockets. A bit embarrassed, he said to the lady, “It’s all right ma’am, they’re just golf balls.”

She nodded and smiled sympathetically said, “Tell me is that something like tennis elbow?”

[filsgreen]

[Bernie R]

Michael Owen walked into a bar. He strolled up to the first woman he saw, slapped her on the @rse and said "How about coming back to my place?"

She turned around, looked at him and said...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
......"Blimey, you're a little forward."

[filsgreen]

Groan.

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Bernie.

[fatboyjoe90]

Thank for that Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

My wife came home from shopping with our kids and said
"I can't handle the friction between these two anymore."
I said, "Are you talking about the boys or your thighs?"


Golf.
The only sport where foursomes are encouraged you can show off your wood, polish your balls and it's okay to have a short shaft.


Driving through Liverpool recently i discovered how messed up some parts of Britain are.
Where else do you see a banner saying 'Happy 30th birthday, grandma'??


A bloke is driving through Dublin and can't quite find his way, so he pulls over to ask a paddy for directions
"Alright mate, how do you get to the airport from here "



To which paddy replied "My brother takes me

[filsgreen]

[Bonesy]

Keith

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil and Keith.

[fatboyjoe90]

On a beautiful summer’s day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said “Burrr… gurrr… King.” morning.



I sat next to a tramp on a park bench today. "It was only last week that I had it all," he said, "A chef to cook my food, cleaners to do my cleaning and wash my clothes and a nice warm roof over my head."
"What happened?" I replied, "Drugs? Gambling? A woman?"

No, I was let out of prison."



Milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk. Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake. When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman. "Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized then?"





"No," says the woman. "Up to my boobs will be fine."

[fatboyjoe90]

Paddy gets off the ferry at Liverpool and jumps in a cab.
Cab driver says, "I've got a riddle for ya." He continues, "brothers or sisters have I none, but that man's father is my grandfather's son. Who is it?"
"I'm sorry," says Paddy, "I'm no good at riddles, you'll have to tell me."

"Okay," says the cab driver, "it's me."
"Oh right," says Paddy, "I'll have to remember that one."
Paddy arrives at his friend's house and says, "hey Dave, I've got a great riddle for you!" He continues, "brothers or sisters have I none, but that man's father is my grandfather's son. Who is it?"
"Well, it's you," says Dave.
"No it's not, you silly fecker," says Paddy, "it's a taxi driver from Liverpool."


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

To show who is Boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
Feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
Attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion replies: "Absolutely brilliant,




(today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees")

[filsgreen]

[Eddy Lloyd]

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks for that Phil and Eddy.

[fatboyjoe90]

Paddy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager ask’s
"Have you worked with chemicals before?" "Yes!" Paddy replies.
The manager asks "Can you tell me what nitrate is?
" Paddy replies "I"m hoping it's going to be time and a half."


Paddy wants to become a Priest, so he went to see the Bishop who said, "you must answer three questions on the Bible."
1st, who was born in a stable?'
"Red Rum," paddy said.

'2nd, what do u think of Damascus?'
"It kills 99% of all germs," paddy replied.

'3rd, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?'
"That's easy," paddy said.





"Popeye kicked the $#ite out of them!!"

[fatboyjoe90]

I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife - she was delighted.
I spent another £2000 on a nose job for her, she was ecstatic.
I spent £50 on a prostitute job for myself and she goes bloody mental.
WOMEN!!


My son was learning about 'The trail of tears' in school today, he told me it was all about native Americans.
Obviously, his school is $#it.
Everyone knows it was about the first bloke to ever get married walking down the aisle.



A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman all meet up in the desert. The Irishman asks the Englishman what he has brought with him to survive.. 'dough, so I can pee on it to make bread' the Englishman replies.
The Englishman then asks the Irishman what he has brought with him.. 'apples, stops me from being hungry and thirsty' the Irishman replies.
They then both turn and look at the Scotsman and say 'what the **** is that you've brought?'
'A car door' the Scotsman says. Both puzzled the Irishman and English ask why?
The Scotsman replies.




'If a get too hot a can just roll the window down.

[filsgreen]

[philrob]

Last night, somebody broke into the local kennels and released 60 dogs. Police are looking for leads.

I have formed a deep and meaningful relationship with 25 letters of the alphabet. I do not know Y.

[Verolla]

Very funny jokes, I laughed heartily. Great topic.

[fatboyjoe90]

I like them Philrob.

[fatboyjoe90]

Very funny jokes, I laughed heartily. Great topic.

Thanks for that Verolla.

[fatboyjoe90]

Did you hear the one about the Irish Evel Knievel?
He tried to jump over 13 motorbikes in a double-decker bus.
He almost made it as well, but some fecker rang the bell!


I like to refer to my Missus as my 'Angel of the North'
as she is from Sunderland and also because she is bloody massive.


Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed and then asked Little John to bring him his bow. He put the arrow to the bow and aimed through the open window into the generous green sward of Sherwood Forest beyond which he loved so much. He asked of Friar Tuck, "Promise me that wherever the arrow falls, there you will bury me." And when Tuck had sworn, Robin Hood demanded the same of the others. Then with his last strength, he drew on The bow and let the arrow fly. And then he died, smiling.






And the next day, they did as they had promised, they buried Robin Hood on top of his wardrobe.

[fatboyjoe90]

I went on a blind date last night.
After walking into the restaurant and introducing myself, she looked at me with a puzzled face and said, "You're old, fat and bald."Does it matter?" I asked."Yes, it does," she replied. "You told me that you was slim with dark hair."I was love, but that was in 1966."


The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an aeroplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before," he said. " Are you taking anything for it?"






"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper.

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

Where i walk the dog there's a low bridge with a sign saying Duck! In all the times.
I've been through there I've never seen one duck,
but I've banged my head bloody loads of times.



When I was ten-years-old, I saw two dogs at it in the street and asked my Mum what they were doing.
“Dancing,” she replied.
The first school dance I went to, I got fecking expelled.



Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital.




With a gunshot wound to her knee.

[filsgreen]

Keep them coming, Joe.

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks for that Phil.