Joes Jokes

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Phil, Keith,

Loretta

[ManOnThekop]

I watched with satisfaction as my mother-in-law finished off the lunch I had made for her.
"Yum," she said, "This was absolutely delicious. What meat did you use in the casserole? Tuna?"
"I'm not sure exactly," I replied, "but there was a picture of a cat on the tin."

[ManOnThekop]

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[ManOnThekop]

Happy Saturday all! Here's a cracker x
SEX AFTER DEATH
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back as we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.

[fatboyjoe90]

Thank you Man.

[fatboyjoe90]

COULD THIS BE TRUE

Robin Hood lay dying, and all the faithful gathered round. With his weak and fading breath, Robin asked Marion to bring him the best arrow from the quiver beside his bed, and then asked Little John to bring him his bow.
He put the arrow to the bow and aimed through the open window into the generous green sward of Sherwood Forest beyond which he loved so much.
He asked of Friar Tuck, "Promise me that wherever the arrow falls, there you will bury me." And when Tuck had sworn, Robin Hood demanded the same of the others.
Then with his last strength he drew on The bow and let the arrow fly.
And then he died, smiling.

And next day, they did as they had promised, they buried Robin Hood, on top of his wardrobe.

[filsgreen]

Fantastic to see you posting, Joe, I hope you're well

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks for that Phil, I’m plodding on as you do..

[BossHogg]

Welcome back

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks Tom.

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Pleased to see you posting again Joe! We all missed you!

Loretta

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks Loretta.

[Matt]

Great to see you back Joe.You have been missed. Cannot post very much at the moment still trying to get used to my new shoulder and lots of very minor heart attacks guess I will have to carry nitro for the rest of my life.Hope to be posting again come summertime.Once again...nice to see you back.
Matt

[bjones]

Hurray!

[philrob]

Welcome back Jo!

Great to have you back!

[lynne99]

Welcome back from me as well. It is great to hear from you.

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks Matt, Bee, Philrob, and Lynne.

[fatboyjoe90]

His Diary:
Motorcycle won’t start… can’t figure out why.

Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three. Reception asks "Shall I put them on your bill?" Donald replies "Don't be Bloody stupid! I'll suffocate!"

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s
husband.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just
the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.


The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit
my aging friend.
He was busy covering his tackle with black shoe
polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed
to turn your clock back".

[BOBHAMO]

Great to see you back Joe
Bobhamo

[Mack]

Great to see you posting again Joe

Bezzies,

Mack

[fatboyjoe90]

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my Mrs. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.
Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?
Cheers.


A man walks into a bookshop and says, "can I have a book by Shakespeare?"
"Of course, Sir, which one?"
The man replies, "William."
*

[BossHogg]

[bjones]

Joe and Tom
I'm still giggling about "William"

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Loving the jokes Joe and Tom!

Loretta

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Tom, Bee and Loretta.

[fatboyjoe90]

A dustman is collecting the bins when an old woman comes out of her house in her nightdress and curlers.
'Am I too late for the rubbish?' She asks.
'Course not dear' replies the dustman. 'Hop in.'



The Agony of Aging*
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit
my aging friend.
He was busy covering his tackle with black shoe
polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed
to turn your clock back".




Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three. Reception asks, "Shall I put them on your bill?" Donald replies "Don't be Bloody stupid! I'll suffocate.

[filsgreen]

The first one is courtesy of Lonnie Doneghan, Joe.

[fatboyjoe90]

You've got a good memory Phil, he's been dead for nearly 20 years.

[fatboyjoe90]

Just wanted to let you all know, I had an accident earlier, but I am doing better now.
I decided to try horseback riding in which I haven't done in years.
Well, I got on the horse and started out slow and then we went a little faster and then we were going as fast as the horse could go
suddenly, I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle
It wouldn't stop just going around and around in a circle
if it weren't for a quick-thinking man (I owe my life to)
I would probably not have made it thank God the store manager at Tesco came out and unplugged the machine


An Irishman was taking his driving test. The examiner asked him what a single yellow line means.
The Irishman replied: ‘It means you can’t park there at all.’
‘And what does a double yellow line mean?’
The Irishman said:‘It means you can’t park there at all, at all.

[filsgreen]

"How do you know your dustbin's full? Because there's not much room inside.

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

[fatboyjoe90]

My wife has got an hourglass figure.
It is a pity all the sand is trapped in the middle.


My wife and I planned to commit suicide together.
But once she'd killed herself, things suddenly looked a lot more positive.


When the Queen mother Died and ascended to heaven, she was reunited with all her deceased friends, family and loved ones.
One of these was Princess Diana.
"Oh Diana!" said the Queen's mother, gazing in awe and jealousy above the ex-princess's head "Where did you get such a splendid halo?" she asked.
Princess Diana gave the queen's mother a look of disgust as she said in the harshest of tones
"That's a steering wheel you daft old cow!"


I was in a traffic jam when all of a sudden these two little gits are trying to remove my hubcaps! Luckily I keep a golf club in the car, so I jumped out and started laying in to the bastards.
Before I knew it there's a whole bloody gang of them attacking the car and I'm on the floor. The missus and the kids were screaming and I was taking a real hiding, before a couple of guys came over to break it all up.
"Cheers mate", I said to one of them, "Can you believe the cheek of those twats? Having a go at my car in broad bloody daylight?"
But apparently it's "what the monkeys do", and now I'm banned from West Midlands Safari Park.

[fatboyjoe90]

Father O’Flynn walked into a pub in rural Ireland and said to the first man he met: ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘I do. Father,’ said the man.
The priest said: ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked a second man: ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
‘Certainly, Father,’ came the reply.
‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father O’Flynn walked up to Mick Murphy and said: ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’
Murphy said: ‘No, I don’t. Father.’
‘I don’t believe this!’ exclaimed the priest. ‘You mean to tell me that when you die, you don’t want to go to heaven?’
Murphy said: ‘Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.’

[BossHogg]