Joes Jokes

[Paul]

Paul

[fatboyjoe90]

Great stuff guys keep them coming.

[fatboyjoe90]

My pregnant wife was crying this morning, so I walked over, put my arm around her and said, "What's wrong?"
"I've lost it, Dave." she blubbered.
"Come here," I said, rubbing her shoulder, "To be honest with you, I didn't want the bloody baby in the first place, they're hard work and I'm not ready to be a dad yet."

"I'm talking about my Grandmother's ring."

No offence to Steven Spielberg, but I'm sorry, if I found E.T. hiding in my backyard I wouldn't be giving him candy.
I'd be screaming like a schoolgirl while trying to beat him to death with a shovel.

[Paul]

Paul

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Paul and Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

An Irish man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly.
The undertaker said it would cost £5000 to ship her or £50 to bury her here.
The husband tells him to ship her home.
The undertaker said, but sir, why don’t you bury her here in the holy land and save the money.

The husband says
Listen here pal, a long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here, and three days later he had risen from the dead she’s going fecking home.

The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties:
“May I help you, sir?” She asked.
The man replied. “I want to see Valerie.”
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” Said the madam.

He replied. “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. “There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied. “St. Louis.”
“Really.” She said. “I have family in St. Louis.”

“I know.” The man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death.
2. Taxes.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

[filsgreen]

[Paul]

Cracker Joe

Paul

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers, Phil and Paul.

[fatboyjoe90]

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So, Agnes remarried, and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, they are finally together.

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."



The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed, and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He did not seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!).
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "Oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped

over the cat and farted."

[filsgreen]

[Paul]

Cracker Joe

Paul

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

Thank's for that Paul.

[fatboyjoe90]

That's a good one, Tom, let's hope he doesn't come across any low bridges.

[fatboyjoe90]

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well soon from the nurse in the Landrover you booked for speeding last week."

[Paul]

Paul

[fatboyjoe90]

Thank's for that Paul.

[fatboyjoe90]

Patrick and Murphy are at the races,
Patrick said: “I’m betting on a horse that is 20 to one and I can’t lose.”
“What do you mean ‘you can’t lose’?” asked Murphy
“I can’t lose, the horse is starting at 20 to one and the race doesn’t start till one.”

Pat goes out drinking with his mates. After they go back to his flat for more drinks into the early hours.
One friend asks
“ Pat, why have you got a gong on your wall?”
Pat says “ That’s not a gong it’s a speaking clock “
“ Well how does that ever work”
Pat says I’ll show you. With that Pat picks a claw hammer and give the gong a big whack.

The bloke next door shouts out “ for god's sake it quarter to three in the morning “






For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,
He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back.
He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!' she said, 'you received a very strange postcard today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written.
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

[Paul]

Excellent Joe

Paul

[filsgreen]

[Eddy Lloyd]

Love it Joe

[fatboyjoe90]

Thank's for your comments, Paul, Phil and Eddy.

[fatboyjoe90]

Paddy was hired to paint the yellow stripes on the highway. His first day he painted 10 miles. The second day he only painted 5. His boss, seeing how he was getting slower decided to give him a day off, thinking that he needed a rest. When he came back the next day, he only painted 1/2 mile.

His now discouraged boss came up to him one day and said, "Excuse me, but why have you been painting less and less each day, even after I gave you a day off?"
"Simple," Paddy answered, "I've been getting farther away from the paint can!


“Get this,” said the man to his mates, “Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.”
“Did he get anything?” his mates asked.
“Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a damaged groin.
The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

Four guys were at a campsite. They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. The other two said: “Man, what happened to you?”
“Daryl snored so loudly,” he replied. “I just sat up and watched him all night”.

The next night, it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning the same thing happened, he appeared hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said: “Man what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said: “Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and watch him all night”.

The third night was Rich’s turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.
They asked: “Man, what happened?” He said: “Well, we got ready for bed.

I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.”

[BossHogg]

Four guys were at a campsite. They had to bunk two to a room but no one wanted to share with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept in the same cabin as Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with messy hair and bloodshot eyes. The other two said: “Man, what happened to you?”
“Daryl snored so loudly,” he replied. “I just sat up and watched him all night”.

The next night, it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning the same thing happened, he appeared hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
The other two said: “Man what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said: “Man that Daryl shakes the roof. I couldn’t do anything but sit up and watch him all night”.

The third night was Rich’s turn. Rich was a big burly ex-football player, a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning,” he said. The other two couldn’t believe it-he looked rested and wide awake.
They asked: “Man, what happened?” He said: “Well, we got ready for bed.

I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.”

[BossHogg]

[Paul]

Great Joe

Nice one Tom

Paul

[fatboyjoe90]

Thank's for your funny photos Tom.


And thank's for your comment Paul.

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually, she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.

She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"





A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint....
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will look the part.
The man is incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your backside and go as a toffee apple.



Paddy and Murphy were walking down a road one day, Paddy said, “Murphy, can you see that beautiful wood over there?”

Murphy, “I can't see, there’s trees in the way!” Mon,

[Paul]

Tom

Joe

Paul

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Loving the jokes folks!!!

Loretta

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]