Joes Jokes

[filsgreen]

[BossHogg]

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

[BossHogg]

Burma 1944. Chindit camp behind Japanese lines.

A young officer recently arrived from Blighty is mooching aimlessly around camp. He notices a young soldier sitting on his kit sobbing miserably.

"I say old chap", says our hero. "Is there anything the matter?"

The soldier lifts his tear stained face, sniffs loudly and hesitantly says, "Well Sir, it's like this. I've just arrived from England and I'm about to go on my first patrol in the jungle and I'm really scared".

The subbie says "Don't worry old chap. The Japs aren't as invincible as people make out. You'll be fine".

"Oh no Sir", sniffs the youngster, "it's not the Japs that scare me - it's the wildlife. The other blokes in the platoon have been telling me about the plants and the insects and the animals and how everything wants to sting you or eat you. I'm especially worried about all the snakes as I've always been terrified of them".

"Now, now", says the officer reassuringly, "I think the other chaps are just pulling your leg because you're new. This part of Burma is noted for its complete lack of poisonous flora and fauna and as for snakes, well, remarkably there is only one type of snake that you have to be careful of around here. They're easy to spot as they are about five feet long with orange and black stripes all down their bodies. Now if you spot one, it's quite simple how you deal with it."

"You creep up behind it, grab it at the bottom of its tail with your left hand, place your other hand in front of the left and swiftly slide your right hand up the body, breaking its neck".

The young private is visibly cheered by this, thanks the officer and joins his platoon to go out on patrol.

Three weeks later the same officer is still wandering around camp trying to look busy. Suddenly he notices a casualty lying on a stretcher. The guy is in a bad way. He has lost a leg and an arm, has three drips in and is covered from head to foot in bandages with only holes for his eyes and mouth.

The casualty spots the officer, props himself up on his good arm and snarls what sounds very much like "You b&*tard!"

Not sure that he has heard correctly, the officer moves closer at which the guy on the stretcher distinctly says, "You c@#t!"

Perturbed and slightly offended at the affront to his rank the officer moves even closer and asks the casualty "I say old boy. Is there anything the matter?"

The casualty replies "You f#@king w&#*er Sir! I was on patrol in the jungle when I saw one of those big orange and black snakes you told me about. So I did exactly what you told me to do. Exactly!
I crept up behind it, grasped it by the tail with my left hand, put my right hand in front of that, slid it swiftly forward and stuck my fist up the jacksie of the biggest Burmese tiger you've ever seen!"

[fatboyjoe90]

A typical Rupert.

[fatboyjoe90]

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

[filsgreen]

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

Tom.

[fatboyjoe90]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'
He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'
You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home!

[filsgreen]

[filsgreen]

[Bill fawcett]

Bill

[fatboyjoe90]

I was sitting having a pint in the local when my wife walked in with my dinner. She slammed the plate on the bar and said, "Suit yourself then." before leaving.
The barman said to me, "That's well out of order mate."
"It certainly was. She knows I hate cauliflower."



A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluring to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the toilet.

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

Good one Tom.

[fatboyjoe90]

[BossHogg]

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Me and my wife can always tell when each other want sex.
My wife will put her arms around me and tickle my neck with her tongue when she's in the mood.
Me, I just drink 12 cans of strong lager.
*
*
One day, a farmer was out mending fences, and at some point, along the way, he lost his Bible.
A month later, one of his sheep walks up to him, clutching the Bible between its teeth.
"Oh, Lord," exclaims the farmer as he drops to his knees, "Thank you, Lord, it's a miracle!"
"Not really," says the sheep, "Your name's inside the cover, you silly fool."
*
*
History remembers Emily Davison, who threw herself in front of the King's horse to become a martyr for the suffragette movement.
It doesn't remember her husband, however, who didn't get his tea that night.


I was walking in the jungle the other day when I saw a monkey with a banana in one hand and a tin opener in the other.
I said to him, "You've don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He replied, "I know, it's for the custard, you fecking retard."

[filsgreen]

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

[filsgreen]

Some good ones there Tom, l hope your foot gets better soon.

[BossHogg]

I'm hoping to see a doctor in the next 24 hours.

[fatboyjoe90]

Keep up with all these jokes guys.

[fatboyjoe90]

The Parable of the Fly
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around, wondering what to do, he spotted a pitchfork leaning against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, he was wrong. He dropped like a rock, splattering against the floor.

The moral to the story: Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of $hit.

[bjones]

I love the silly ones Joe!

[BossHogg]

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

loretta

[Bill fawcett]

Love it.

Bill

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks for your comments Bee loretta, and Bill


Cheers for your Imaginary friend Tom

And thanks