Joes Jokes

[fatboyjoe90]

Ralph and Edna
Ralph an Ex Soldier and Edna an ex Wren were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.”
“The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home

[fatboyjoe90]

PROPER HYGIENE
The RAF Officer finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands clear up to his elbows. He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Oxford and they taught us to be clean."
The Army Officer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Cambridge and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The Sailor zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from my Parents and they taught us not to pee on our hands.

[fatboyjoe90]

I said to my girlfriend, "Please get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my I Pad."
That spider never knew what hit it.

"You stink of alcohol, you have lipstick all over your clothes and you're not wearing your wedding ring!" screamed my wife as I strolled in at 3 o'clock this morning, "I'd like to see you try and get out of this one!"
"Easy," I replied, "I was mugged by a gang of drunken drag queens."





A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at him," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed".
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down," says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross eyed?"
"No," says the vet, "because he's heavy!"



As a token of her love, my girlfriend took a photo of me in to the developers and made me a 1000 piece jigsaw.
I was in pieces.




My wife text me saying "I've found out you've been with another woman you cheating Filthy Pig! I've taken my things and I'm going back to my mum's house"
"Ok, see you when you get here" I text back


It's funny how different people have a different idea of what 'passion killers' are.
For my girlfriend, it's her flesh coloured tights and big knickers.
For me, it's her face

[fatboyjoe90]

Henry went to Portsmouth St Mary's Hospital having seen an ad for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the Receptionist for details.
The Receptionist pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist."
"You have to help the women out of their underwear,
lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair,
then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is £45,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Plymouth "
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked Henry.
"No Sir, that's where the end of the line is"

[lily8]

Joe you do brighten the day many thanks

[fatboyjoe90]

Joe you do brighten the day many thanks

Thanks for that Lily.

[fatboyjoe90]

Missing Wife
Husband: I lost my wife. She went shopping & still hasn't arrived home yet.
Inspector: What is her height?
Husband: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Colour of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to the season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Pants and shirt, maybe a dress or something ..... I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Did she go in a car???
Husband: Yes!!!
Inspector: Can you tell me the number, name & colour of the car ?
Husband: NLH-638 Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode....and it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point the husband started crying...
Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find your car.

[fatboyjoe90]

Did you hear the one about the Irish Evel Knievel?
He tried to jump over 13 motorbikes in a double decker bus.
He almost made it as well, but some twit rang the bell!

The clerk of the court addresses the prisoner standing in the dock. "Do you wish to challenge the Jury?"
The prisoner replies "not all at once, but i could go a few rounds with the little fat guy at the back."

My mate Paddy tried to hang himself, but ended up with minor injuries.
Rope burn on his ankles.

[fatboyjoe90]

Paddy and Mick were taking their first train trip. They opened their lunch boxes and both took out bananas, which they'd never seen before.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, Paddy looked across to his friend Mick and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

Avon Calling
A old aged pensioner was known among his friends to be very brief and to the point -- he really never said too much.
One day, a woman promoting Avon knocked on his door and asked to see his wife, so the guy told her that she wasn't home.
"Well," the woman said, "could I please wait for her?"
The man directed her to the drawing room and left her there for more than three hours.
After feeling really worried, she called out for him and asked, "May I ask where your wife is?"
"She went to the cemetery," he replied.
"And when is she coming back?"
"I don't really know," he said. "She's been there eleven years now."

[bob. b]

Joe fantastic stuff think you give some members a laugh well done

[miv donelan]

Always look forward to your jokes Joe, even if they make me groan. Most make me laugh though, the best way to start the day.

[fatboyjoe90]

Joe fantastic stuff think you give some members a laugh well done

Thanks Bob.

[fatboyjoe90]

Always look forward to your jokes Joe, even if they make me groan. Most make me laugh though, the best way to start the day.

Thanks Miv.

[fatboyjoe90]

Over heard this on the bus today:
"Dad, what does 'ignoramus' mean?"
"I've no idea son. Probably some type of dinosaur."

As I stood at the bar last night, I handed my Wife’s ex husband a pint of lager and said, "I bet you can't drink this in under 10 seconds."
"I bet I can." he replied, immediately pouring it down his throat and slamming the glass down, "There you go!"
"Are you feeling strong?" I asked.
" Yeah!" he replied.
"Good," I said, walking away, "Here comes the massive skinhead whose pint it was.

[fatboyjoe90]

Saving’ It Up
A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was a 95 years old former soldier and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the Reception in the hotel. The Receptionist looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh Gooo -od! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money.

[PETER CRAIG]

[Kathy John Moorcroft]

Good Joe I can rely on you for a giggle..

Love the summer tan 2014.

Kathy.

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks Peter.

[fatboyjoe90]

Good Joe I can rely on you for a giggle..

Love the summer tan 2014.

Kathy.

Thanks Kathy.

[fatboyjoe90]

My wife asked "why don't we compile a list of people we would like to have sex with outside our marriage, just as a joke?"
Reluctantly, I accepted and she gave me her list:
1. George Clooney
2. Brad Pitt
3. Justin Timberlake
I then handed her my list:
1. Your sister Well that didnt go down to well i get out of the hostpital tomorow.

After reading 50 Shades of Grey my wife asked me to tie her tightly to the bed.
"Now what?" I asked
"Hurt me!"
"Ok. You have saggy boobs and thick ankles."

Tried phoning marriage guidance earlier but had trouble making myself heard. Person at the other end of the line said, "You're breaking up."
Suppose I better tell the wife the bad news.

[fatboyjoe90]

Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading this post.
You hang in there, sunshine!

[fatboyjoe90]

My Final Will !!
I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to my wife,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"
SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO, YOU LAZY BARSTEWARD!!”

A cowgirl went into a bar and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had on the biggest pair of boots she'd ever seen.
She asked the cowboy if it was true what people said about men with big feet.
The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it'?
The cowgirl wanted to find out for herself, so she went to the bunkhouse and spent the night with the cowboy.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank ya, ma'am. I'm real flattered, 'cause nobody ever paid me for my services before'.

To which the cowgirl replied, 'Don't be flattered, just take the money and buy yourself the right size boots.

[fatboyjoe90]

They Met in a Bar
A Sailor went into a bar late one night, just to relax.
After he had been there a while, and had consumed several “adult beverages”, he noticed a very lovely woman across the room from him. She was not “gorgeous beautiful”, but had very striking features.
The amazing thing was, she kept staring at him and smiling.
Naturally, being a man, he decided to go try his luck. Like they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
He went over and struck up a conversation with her (don't remember about what, but it had to be very interesting).
Well, one thing led to another and she invited him back to her place and being the gentleman he was, he said "OK."
He would not go into all the details of the night (mainly because he didn't remember), but he awoke the next morning feeling completely spent, and also enjoying the aroma of fresh coffee and bacon frying.
He thought, “now this is great!”
He thought he might have a keeper here.
He got up and got dressed and headed for the kitchen.
When he got there her mum (looked to be in her 80's or 90's) was standing at the stove.
Embarrassed, he stammered, "Where's your daughter?"
She slowly turned around with a sly little smile on her face and said, "I don't have a daughter."

[fatboyjoe90]

NEED WATER
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object,He arrived only to find its a British Military Camp He saw a tent with a sign outside saying OFFICERS ONLY next to it was a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked: "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied: "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only British £5."
The Taliban shouted: "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you,
but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. "I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. "It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
"Your DAMN brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[fatboyjoe90]

It's been announced that the British Government are to send a warship to Libya ... I wish them a fair wind.

[lily8]

Joe thanks for all your efforts in the joked dept you do us proud

[fatboyjoe90]

Joe thanks for all your efforts in the joked dept you do us proud

Thanks Lily.

[fatboyjoe90]

Just Minding His own Business
There was this little seaman sitting in the bar , drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big Marine comes in and – WHACK -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.
The Marine says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little seaman thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden – WHACK -- the big Marine knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little seaman has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.
The little seaman is gone for an hour or so when he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big Marine and – BONG -- bangs the big Marine off his stool, knocking him out cold!
The little seaman looks at the barman and says, "When he comes to, tell him that is a crowbar from Stores.”

[fatboyjoe90]

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

[fatboyjoe90]

The Ministry of Defence Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the auto makers of all Armed Forces Vehicles for the past five years.
Under this plan the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive, staff cars, Tanks, Trucks and all other Vehicles in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 incidents the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh ****!"
Only the ones from Portsmouth and Plymouth. the Last words were Different.
In these Areas 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm going to try something’!"

[fatboyjoe90]

Army Officer Training
My friends asked me how they can become an Army Officer. I tell them that they need to go to an informational meeting for prospective new Officers at the Careers office.
In there they meet up with veteran Officer, and asked him to give them one piece of advice about Army Officers. He said the most important thing is communication.
So, taking this advice, they enrolled in a communications course at a local community college.
The professor was a strange old fellow. He told us that our first assignment was to put 10 marbles in our mouth and then give a speech. This would force us to concentrate on speaking clearly and carefully.
After we completed that assignment, we could take one marble out of our mouth for the next assignment.
This process continued.When they lost all their marbles, they were ready to become an Army Officer!

[fatboyjoe90]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

[fatboyjoe90]

Marriage
A Marine married good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go to watch the Football, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said: 'No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...
whether you're here or not.'

[fatboyjoe90]

A Naval Officer has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a Wardroom Ladies night. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

[fatboyjoe90]

In Bed with Another Woman
A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The terrified husband, screamed, ''Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off, are you?''
The Wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye said, ''No, You are!!! I'm going to set the garage on fire.”