Joes Jokes

[BossHogg]

I'll do my best.

[Paul]

Take care Paul

Paul

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Will miss you Joe take care

Loretta

[filsgreen]

Thanks and see you next year, Joe.

[bjones]

Whatever is best for you Paul. Take care of yourself; you know where we are if you want us. See you when you're ready.
Bx

[bjones]

Here's one to keep us going...

[john j connell]

I will not really miss the joke section, you can come across them elsewhere, but i will really miss the Regent Road, photos of ships and the old photos of Bootle threads, they are the first things that i head for when i look in. Thank you for the time and effort you have put into your contributions. No matter how long it takes just chill, look after yourself and return refreshed, thank you Paul, JJC.

[Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)]

Good idea Joe. You address this just right and, as they say, a rest is as good as a change.

Take a well earned break , enjoy what you and yours do, and when the time is right for you, come back.

For many years, as long as I have been on the site, folk are inclined to dramatically announce that they are leaving, attract ell the "Please don't go" messages only to soon return with an "I am back" followed by all the very predictable messages of welcome.

You enjoy mate and be happy. You and your great, unending humour, will be missed. Don't leave it too long.

[Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)]

This thread needs to keep going till Joe comes back so I have been wracking my mind to think of something funny.

I am resorting to two real life things that happened to me in a restaurant. I asked for some French mustard and the waitress returned to say there was no French mustard but I could have some Dijon as a substitute.

On another occasion, in a pub restaurant, I ordered a bottle of Merlot, pronouncing it Merloe. The waitress planted it on the table and whispered in my ear " Its not Merloe luv....its Merlot, with a 'T'. " Of course I apologised politely.

[filsgreen]

Ernie, fancy pronouncing it az Merloe, you're such a pleb.

[Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)]

[BossHogg]

[bob. b]

Well Joe will miss you, posting mate
you take care and stay safe both of you.

Best Regards Bobby

[EdMcDonald]

A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown San Francisco, and saw a card advertising for a
Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You
have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions,
then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the
gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Twin Falls, Idaho."
"Good grief, Is that where the job is?"
"No sir…that's where the end of the line is right now."

[BossHogg]

Well, I'm in the hospital. This has not been a good day. After spending the last 3 months quarantined inside the house, limited contact with my family or friends since end of March ......enough is enough. So I decided to go for a horseback ride with a good friend. Something I haven't done for a long time. It turned out to be a horrible mistake! I got on the horse and I started out slowly, but then it got crazy windy. I went faster and faster and before I knew it, I was going as fast as that horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my pants on the stirrup. I was being dragged and was bouncing all over the place. The horse just would not stop!
Thankfully the manager at the supermarket came running out and unplugged the machine. Then he actually had the nerve to take the rest of my pound coins and my bottle of Tequila so I wouldn't try to ride the damn fire truck or clown car.
I have a few scrapes and bruises but nothing's broken. I will wear a helmet next time.

[Eddy Lloyd]

[Elaine Goulding]

Good one Tom

[EdMcDonald]

Subject: A heart warming story of success that will bring tears to your eyes!
HARD WORK...
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
What do you think about the situation in the stock market?
The Director asks in turn arrogantly:
Why are you so interested in that - that topic?
"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
- What your name? –Asks the Director.
John Smith H.
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:
Do we have a client named John Smith H.?
Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:
Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:
We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.
Mr. Smith began his story:

- I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.

[filsgreen]

[EdMcDonald]

A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow
Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."
"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"
Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.
"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself,
taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME! I haven't seen a man in over two
years.

"Lard tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?”

"I put drops in her eyes!!"

[BossHogg]

[Mack]

Bosshogg

[BossHogg]

[EdMcDonald]

Distinction between Guts and Balls
To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words:
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say, "You're next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

How To Give A Cat A Pill
1 Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3 Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6 Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8 Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9 Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink a beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10 Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11 Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink the beer you opened in Step 9. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12 Call the fire brigade to retrieve the f***ing cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13 Tie the little b*stard’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14 Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15 Arrange for neighbour and spouse to assist in placing loose hood over cat’s head in order to put cat in basket. Take cat to vet and watch while he expertly holds cat, pops pill in cat’s mouth, and cat swallows it. Pay vet bill of £433.86 including Sunday callout fee.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1 Wrap the pill in a piece of cheese.

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Been there with my cat! my dog was a push over for any kind of food! Good one Boss!

Loretta

[filsgreen]

[philrob]

I have just had to resign from a job carving chess pieces. I couldn't do knights!

[Bill fawcett]

Phil, you’ll have to get a job in a pawn shop.

Bill

[philrob]

I did Bill,
That's why I have had such a chequered career, mate!

[bjones]

Just bouncing Joe’s Jokes back to page 1 so that he can find it when he comes back to us.
If you’re looking in Joe, we hope you’re well and happy. Come on back to us! You are missed

[Eddy Lloyd]

Ey up Joe, I hope it is just a break you are having I for one will miss your posts. Keep looking in and saying hi from time to time keeping in touch.
Take care of yourself mate.

[filsgreen]

The guys on the ground are branch managers.

[Bonesy]

Keith