Joes Jokes

[filsgreen]

[Bill fawcett]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”

“Eight”, the boy replied.

The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”

The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."

"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.

"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do any of that.


Bill

[filsgreen]

[Bill fawcett]

I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and put it in the bicycle basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the Jack Daniels before I cycled home.
It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.


Bill

[filsgreen]

Isn't it funny how the simple ones are the most humorous?

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks for your jokes Bernie and Bill.

[fatboyjoe90]

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.





There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers, Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

Lying here beside you dear, I turn and watch you sleep,
So blessed am I to have you, a love so strong and deep,
You always say you love me, but I really love you more,
That is until I'm startled by the most god-awful snore!


The noise is so outrageous that it vibrates in my head,
I'm shaken like a rag doll like an earthquake hit our bed,
I know in each relationship, there's highs and there are lows,
But what's that awful whistling sound that's coming from your nose?


I stare at you in utter shock, your mouth is gaping wide,
A sound like Old MacDonald's Farm is coming from inside,
I throw the nearest thing at you, my empty coffee cup,
I shake you with my free hand and attempt to wake you up.


You told me that you didn't snore, I guess you told me fibs,
So I sharpen up my elbow and I smash you in the ribs!
You groan in pain and I believe, that silence will return,
I push your shoulder strongly in the hopes that you will turn.


Alas, you are still sound asleep, although you fart and cough,
With a noise that's reminiscent of an Airbus taking off,
Your snores renew with vigour and grow louder than before,
So I kick you off the bed and you land loudly on the floor!


I don't believe this! What the F? How can you sleep through that?
I'm getting really angry now, I cannot sleep you should be on the matt!!
I lean across the bed to where you're lying on the floor,
Landed on your back I see? And still, I hear you snore!


I call your name, there's no reply, it's like you're comatose,
So I reach my hand out in the dark and hold your bloody nose,
You splutter and you're drooling, still sound asleep, no cares,


Oh sod this for a bloody lark, I'm off to sleep downstairs!!..

[filsgreen]

I'll have to show that to Rae, Joe. It may resonate with her

[fatboyjoe90]

How did you get on with Rae, Phil?

[fatboyjoe90]

I will never understand Women who say that giving birth to a child is the most painful thing that a human being can experience have obviously never lost the European Cup on penalties in Football Manager.



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer. Always something more important to, me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of scissors.
I watched silently for a short while and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.




As I looked at the ABBA quiz leaderboard I noticed that I was right at the bottom and so was the Japanese girl that I fancy.

I stood there for a moment longer, soaking in my failure, when suddenly she appeared next to me.

She glanced at the leaderboard and said

("No win me, no win you.")





They say at Mecca you can feel Muhhamed all around you.

A similar experience can be had at Tesco in Rochdale.

[fatboyjoe90]

An atheist was seated next to a girl on an aeroplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her bible, replied to the total stranger,
"What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death when you don't know $hit?"

And then she went back to reading her bible

[Eddy Lloyd]

[filsgreen]

*

[Bernie R]

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks, Eddy and Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Bernie, what can i say? You didn’t shake it all about.

[fatboyjoe90]

It's your first time.
*
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver, your body tenses, but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply into your eyes and tells you to trust him -- he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way, pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
*
After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.






Touch it gently...
Put 2 fingers inside; if it's big put 3 fingers in...
Make sure it's wet...
Rub it up and down....
Yeah....

That's how you wash a cup

HONEST SOME OFF YOU HAVE DIRTY MINDS

[filsgreen]

Thanks for posting, Joe

[Bernie R]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Bernie,
Thanks Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
"This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall slice the young man in half.
Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood.
Let the other woman's daughter marry him.
" The wise king did not hesitate a moment.
"The accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to slice him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon.


"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.

[Bernie R]

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

My wife and I wanted to get a dog and we were arguing about the breed.
She wanted something small because some cafes will let you bring your dog in with you if he's not too big.
I finally got her to agree on a Labrador.

All you need are a pair of dark glasses and you can take him wherever the Feck you like.


I found a small lump on one of my testicles last week.

I went and had them scanned today.

I'm now banned from Tesco.


Once I found a skull in the woods. The first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had antlers.


BBC News: "Man Hurt in Portaloo Explosion".


I'm guessing he is now suffering from turd degree burns.

[fatboyjoe90]

I read in the paper, the other day, that 60,000 kids are gambling addicts.

Mine is. They eat my wife's cooking every day.


"Woman Climbs Everest Twice In A Week"

That will teach her to leave her handbag at the summit.



Apparently, the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night.

Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.



I was arrested today, for stealing stone slabs to make my patio.

"What proof have you got?" I asked the policeman.

"Well, there's this one, 'Our loving daughter 2007-2013," he replied.





I was extending our house and adding a new bathroom when my wife came up and admired my work:

"Erm. John, are you sure we don't need planning permission for this?"

"Of course not," I said as I smashed into the wall "It's only a bathroom".



"Yes, but it's my feckin bathroom!" shouted my next door neighbour from his landing.

[Bernie R]

Another oldie but goody...

A rich man living in Sydney decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?’
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said, ‘I want the b@stard who pushed me in.’

[fatboyjoe90]

Bernie

[Bernie R]

Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and saysj "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus !

[fatboyjoe90]

Bernie

[fatboyjoe90]

A very badly behaved little boy refuses to get off of a very expensive rocking horse on display in a department store. His embarrassed mother eventually gives in and asks for some help from a shop assistant. "Don't worry?" says the assistant "We employ a very qualified child psychologist at our store to deal with this kind of thing". She makes a quick call and within minutes he appears, goes over to the unruly brat and gently whispers in his ear. The child immediately dismounts the horse and once again joins his mother. The shop assistant looks admiringly at the psychologist and says "That was amazing, what did you say to him?". He leans to her and quietly says



"Get off that horse now or I'll kick the $hit out of you, you little bar-steward