Joes Jokes
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for that Paul.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
I was looking out of my flat window when something bounced off my head, and I caught it in my hand only to see it was a glass eye.
I looked up, and the young woman on the top floor shouted down to me "Could you bring that back up to me".
So I ran up to her flat she invited me in made me a bacon butty had me guzzling as much whiskey as I can take and gave me the best sex I had in a long time.
I said, "Are you like this with every man you let into your flat".
She said, "No only to the ones who catch my eye".
A man goes to the doctor.
He said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."
The doctor peered over his glasses "Why do you think that Mr Jones?"
"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."
"I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor.
"Those are just side effects." 
I looked up, and the young woman on the top floor shouted down to me "Could you bring that back up to me".
So I ran up to her flat she invited me in made me a bacon butty had me guzzling as much whiskey as I can take and gave me the best sex I had in a long time.
I said, "Are you like this with every man you let into your flat".
She said, "No only to the ones who catch my eye".
A man goes to the doctor.
He said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."
The doctor peered over his glasses "Why do you think that Mr Jones?"
"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."
"I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor.
"Those are just side effects."
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for that Paul, Bob and Phil.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for that Paul, Bob and Phil.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
My girlfriend read through a letter she received in the post.
"Why am I so unfortunate?" she shrieked.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Last week I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I have tiny tits,"
she continued.
I said, "Tinnitus. You have tinnitus."
I once owned a centipede and one day I sent him to the shops for my papers.
Half an hour had passed and there was still no sign of the fecker so i looked out the window to see if I could see him.
Nothing there i thought I would give him 10 more minutes.
10 Minutes came and went and the little **** still wasn't back so i looked out the window again still nothing, then i looked out the door.
As my luck would have it the centipede was sitting there.
I said that’s good your back have you got my paper?
He turned around and said to me "back?
I'm still putting my feet into my bleeding shoes"
"Why am I so unfortunate?" she shrieked.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Last week I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now, according to this letter, I have tiny tits,"
she continued.I said, "Tinnitus. You have tinnitus."
I once owned a centipede and one day I sent him to the shops for my papers.
Half an hour had passed and there was still no sign of the fecker so i looked out the window to see if I could see him.
Nothing there i thought I would give him 10 more minutes.
10 Minutes came and went and the little **** still wasn't back so i looked out the window again still nothing, then i looked out the door.
As my luck would have it the centipede was sitting there.
I said that’s good your back have you got my paper?
He turned around and said to me "back?
I'm still putting my feet into my bleeding shoes"
Cheers Joe.
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Silver-Haired-Hippy
- Posts: 3432
- Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:50 pm
- Location: Abergele
Loretta
A bit of Bootle in Wales
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank’s for that Paul, Loretta and Phil.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Guy walks into a vets with his cross-eyed St Bernard dog. Vet picks him up and takes a look at him then turns to the owner and says,
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No because he's bloody heavy."
It was my birthday this weekend and the lads invited me for a great night out, but the wife offered something a bit more steamy if I stayed in.
She offered to hire me a stripper...
Well, it certainly was Feckin steamy it was a wallpaper stripper for the overdue
decorating I was supposed to do last week.
Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog muck, 20 feet back."
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No because he's bloody heavy."
It was my birthday this weekend and the lads invited me for a great night out, but the wife offered something a bit more steamy if I stayed in.
She offered to hire me a stripper...
Well, it certainly was Feckin steamy it was a wallpaper stripper for the overdue
decorating I was supposed to do last week.
Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in America.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog muck, 20 feet back."
Cheers Joe.
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BossHogg
- Posts: 572
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
- Location: Netherton, Maryport.
- Contact:
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Silver-Haired-Hippy
- Posts: 3432
- Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:50 pm
- Location: Abergele
Joe, Boss, love them!!!
Loretta
Loretta
A bit of Bootle in Wales
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank’s for that Paul, Tom and Loretta.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
I told my mate the other day that I'd tried having a milk bath
"Was it pasteurised?" he asked
I replied, "No, it was just past my knees, actually."
SHE MUST GET IT FROM HER MOTHERS SIDE
I remember my daughter Debbie was at a vending machine.
She would stick a one pound coin in pushing the button, and a Fanta would come out, and she would put it on the top.
She did this a few more times before a man asked why she kept doing this and she said,
"Because I'm winning.
I caught my wife looking confused in the kitchen, holding a jar of pickle.
I asked her what was up, and she replied. "It says to store it in a cool, dark location."
I said, "How about the fridge?"
She said, No, silly, there is a little light inside.
"Was it pasteurised?" he asked
I replied, "No, it was just past my knees, actually."
SHE MUST GET IT FROM HER MOTHERS SIDE
I remember my daughter Debbie was at a vending machine.
She would stick a one pound coin in pushing the button, and a Fanta would come out, and she would put it on the top.
She did this a few more times before a man asked why she kept doing this and she said,
"Because I'm winning.
I caught my wife looking confused in the kitchen, holding a jar of pickle.
I asked her what was up, and she replied. "It says to store it in a cool, dark location."
I said, "How about the fridge?"
She said, No, silly, there is a little light inside.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for that Paul and Phil. 
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
A rabbit arrives at the gates of Heaven.
"Welcome," says St. Peter, "Why are you here?"
"Well," says the rabbit, "I was in a cafe eating toasted sandwiches. I had a cheese toastie, a ham toastie, a tomato toastie and a baked bean toastie. All of a sudden I dropped down dead and here I am".
St. Peter says, "So what did you die of?"
The rabbit says, "Mixing me, toasties."
A regular churchgoer took his friend with him one Sunday. At the end of the service, the vicar as always was standing at the door to shake hands with members of the congregation as they left.
The vicar grabbed the friend by the hand and pulled him aside. He said sternly, "I've not seen at many of my services before. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, vicar."
The vicar questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter services?"
The friend whispered back, "I'm part of the 'secret service.'
"Welcome," says St. Peter, "Why are you here?"
"Well," says the rabbit, "I was in a cafe eating toasted sandwiches. I had a cheese toastie, a ham toastie, a tomato toastie and a baked bean toastie. All of a sudden I dropped down dead and here I am".
St. Peter says, "So what did you die of?"
The rabbit says, "Mixing me, toasties."
A regular churchgoer took his friend with him one Sunday. At the end of the service, the vicar as always was standing at the door to shake hands with members of the congregation as they left.
The vicar grabbed the friend by the hand and pulled him aside. He said sternly, "I've not seen at many of my services before. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
The friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, vicar."
The vicar questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter services?"
The friend whispered back, "I'm part of the 'secret service.'
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Thank's for that Paul.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5662
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
You know you're getting old when.
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your most favourite place is in the waiting room.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said, "I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors." He calls a sailor over and says "Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up". The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says "That gentleman is courage."
The American says that's nothing. He calls over a PO and says "I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps off the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says "That gentleman is courage."
The British admiral says "That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says "I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says "You can feck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says
"And that gentleman is courage."
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your most favourite place is in the waiting room.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said, "I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors." He calls a sailor over and says "Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up". The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes. The Russian says "That gentleman is courage."
The American says that's nothing. He calls over a PO and says "I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return" The PO salutes jumps off the bow swims to the stern and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes. The American says "That gentleman is courage."
The British admiral says "That's nothing. Sailor come here" The matelot comes to attention and salutes. The admiral says "I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again" The matelot looks at the admiral and says "You can feck right off" The admiral turns to the other two and says
"And that gentleman is courage."
Cheers Joe.
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EdMcDonald
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2008 4:09 pm
- Location: Sherwood Park Alberta Canada
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BA--TARD ASKED..
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BA--TARD ASKED..
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
Home of the "Edmonton Oilers" Future Stanley Cup Champions.
A long way from Duncan B.C.
A long way from Duncan B.C.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
- Posts: 1036
- Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
- Location: Stalybridge Manchester
- Contact:
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Pension Plan, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
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BossHogg
- Posts: 572
- Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 4:19 am
- Location: Netherton, Maryport.
- Contact:
