Joes Jokes

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

Druggies in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstacy directly into their mouths.
This dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum'.

My wife told me she bought a rape alarm the other day...
I said I said for feck sake "Don't bloody flatter yourself."

I went to bed last night thinking I was Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits.
Woke up this morning feeling fine.

Husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads,
‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads,
‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'”

[filsgreen]

[Tommy L]

Mummy polar bear and her son sitting on an ice flow dangling their legs in the water..............

Youngster : ''Mummy !.......Am I part grizzly bear ?''
Mummy : ''No son , 100% polar bear ''
Youngster : ''Mummy !.......Am I part brown bear ?''
Mummy : ''No son , 100% polar bear ''
Youngster : ''Mummy !.......Am I part black bear ?''
Mummy : ''Goodness no son , 100% polar bear........absolutely !........Why do you ask ? ''
Youngster : ''Cos' I'm fecking freezing !!! ''

[filsgreen]

[Gardner 180]

Tommy L. You are as daft as a brush.

[Tommy L]

Tommy to the greengrocer....................

Tommy : '' Can I have 5 lbs. of King Edwards please ? ''
Grocer : '' Pardon? ''
Tommy : '' Can I have 5 lbs. of King Edwards please ? ''
Grocer : ''' It's Kilos now Tommy !.......Kilos !! ''
Tommy : ''Oh right !...Sorry !..........Can I have 5 lbs. of Kilos please ? ''

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Tommy!

Loretta

[Tommy L]

[fatboyjoe90]

[filsgreen]

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Gorra hand it to you Joe that's a good one!

Loretta

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks for that Phil, and Loretta.

[fatboyjoe90]

One day, a Rolo was walking down the street. He looked over to the other side of road to see his good friend, the Smartie, waving over. "How's it going?" asked the Smartie. "Pretty sweet", replied the Rolo. Then the Smartie enquired, "How come I haven't seen you down at the Club recently?" The Rolo replied that he had got himself into a few fights lately and would rather stay safe. "Come down with me" said the Smartie. "I've got a real hard shell, I'll protect you".
*
So the Rolo agreed and later on that night they got a Taxi to the Club. As they were standing by the bar, a Tune walked over and knocked the absolute **** out of the Rolo. There was caramel everywhere. Furious, the Rolo turned the Smartie and said "Where were you?! I thought you were going to protect me!"
*
"I wasn't gonna mess with him", the Smartie said.

"He's menthol."

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Loretta

[fatboyjoe90]

Loretta

[fatboyjoe90]

[fatboyjoe90]

Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three. Reception asks "Shall I put them on your bill?" Donald replies "Don't be Bloody stupid! I'll suffocate!"


I have just seen an Australian bloke throw a rock at some birds.
I thought to myself "Stone the crows!"


Mr Whippy has been found dead in his van. He was covered in strawberry sauce, crushed nuts as well as hundreds and thousands.
Police reckon he topped himself.

[filsgreen]

[Bill fawcett]

As an airplane prepared for takeoff, the flight attendant concluded her announcement by saying: “And on behalf of your captain, Jill Duncan, we wish you all a pleasant journey.”
A male passenger in row B was appalled to hear that the plane had a woman pilot. When the attendant came around to make last minute checks, he said: “ Is that right? This plane is being flown by a woman?” “Yes,” replied the attendant politely. “ In fact the entire crew is female.” “ In that case.” he grumbled. “I’ll need a stiff drink once we get under way. I don’t know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit.”
“That’s another thing.” said the attendant. “ We no longer call it the cockpit. Now it’s the box office.
——————————————————————-

Three friends with Alzheimer’s were chatting together at a train station. They were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn’t hear the guard blow his whistle to signal the train’s departure. Just as the train began to pull away, two of the men managed to scramble aboard, but the third didn’t make it.
The guard came over to console him: “Never mind.” said the guard. “Two of you made it, and there’s another train in an hour.”
“ No, you don’t understand.” said the man. “They came to see me off.”
—————————————————————-

Bill

.

[Tommy L]

[fatboyjoe90]

I took my daughter to the zoo and she saw two monkeys having sex.
"What are the monkeys doing." She asked.
"The male monkey is stopping the female from feeling lonely." I said.
"Uncle Dave is really nice, keeping mum from being lonely all day, while your at work then." She replied.


As I slowly rubbed in the oil, the hairless pink flesh felt like luscious silk.
I pressed it into all the creases and tight little folds, I licked my lips at the thought of slowly slipping it inside.
But I'd put it in too early and it was all dry and it smelt funny.
I bloody hate cooking turkey.

Two Irishmen are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Paddy, do you smell what I smell. It's bacon - I'm sure of it.'
'Yes, Mick, it smells like bacon to me.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Paddy, paddy we're saved. It is a bacon tree.'
'Mick, are you sure it's not a mirage? We are in the desert, don't forget.'
'Paddy, when did you ever hear of a mirage that smell like bacon? It's no mirage, it's a bacon tree.'
And, with that, Mick races towards the tree. He gets to within five metres, Paddy following closely behind, when, all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up and Mick is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Paddy with his dying breath.

'Paddy... go back man, you was right it's not a bacon tree.'
'Mick, Mick ... what the feck is it?'
'Paddy... its not a bacon tree...
it's...it's



A Ham Bush.'

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

2 Dogs Freezing.

[fatboyjoe90]

I've bought my wife a false leg for Christmas.
It's not her main present though.
It's just a stocking filler.


Two Men were on a golf course when a funeral procession went passed. One man stopped mid swing, took off his hat and bowed his his head.
The other guy says "wow, that's very considerate of you"
To which the first guy replies "well, we were married 27 years"

My wife is wearing one of those skirts where I can just see the edge of her bum poking out.
I'd probably find it sexy if the skirt wasn't knee length.

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

Cheers Phil.

[fatboyjoe90]

I was sitting on a train staring dreamily at the guy across from me.
"Hey," says the guy, "why are you staring at me?"
"Whether you believe it or not,"i said, "you are the spitting image of my wife.
Except for the beard."
"I don't have a beard," says the guy.
"No, but the wife does."


I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas?
"Something to wear would be nice" she said, "but in the colour black."
"Why black?" I replied.
"Because it makes people looks slimmer"
She's going to be pissed off when she finds out I bought her a Darth Vader costume


When I were a lad I recall me mum sending me down t' grocer's with just £1 to get 5lb of spuds, 1 dozen eggs, 1lb of rashers, 1/2lb of butter and a loaf of bread.You can't do that anymore.
Bloody security cameras.

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Loretta

[Bernie R]

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

lettuce pray for more funny remarks to that Bernie!

Loretta

[BossHogg]

[BossHogg]

[filsgreen]

Good ones there, Tom.

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Loretta