Joes Jokes

[fatboyjoe90]

I like it Tom.

[filsgreen]

Keep them coming lads.

[bjones]

So good to see this thread bouncing back up the pages.

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

Great to see you posting again Joe

Bezzies,

Mack

Thank's for that Mack.

[fatboyjoe90]

Thank's for that Bee.

Tom you've been sitting on that motorway for too long, with your microwave. you nutter.

[fatboyjoe90]

Two German tourists are hopelessly lost in the Highlands of Scotland. The driver struggles to steer their huge Mercedes SUV up a small mountain on a winding dirt track towards the only house they have seen for days. They get out of the vehicle and knock on the door of a ramshackle cottage. A wizened old lady opens the door.

"Can you tell us the best way to get back to Inverness?"
"Nae idea," says the old lady.

Somewhat disappointed, the German tourists get back into the car and begin to descend the perilous, unprotected mountain track. They are more than half-way down when the driver glances in the rearview mirror and sees the old lady, now with an old man beside her, waving frantically at them from in front of the cottage.
The Germans execute a highly dangerous 3-point turn and slowly grind their way back up to the old cottage.
"This is ma husband, Jock," says the old lady, "an' he disnae ken the way tae Inverness either."

[Silver-Haired-Hippy]

Love the jokes folks!!!!

Loretta

[BossHogg]

Thank's for that Bee.

Tom you've been sitting on that motorway for too long, with your microwave. you nutter.

[BossHogg]

WEMBLEY TICKETS....
England v Scotland
Friday 18th June 2021
Kick Off 8pm

One of mates has spare two tickets in a corporate box for the England v Scotland game. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them that it was going to be the same day as his Covid 19 postponed wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Reading Registry Office, at 2.30pm. The bride's name is Moira, she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

It's a good one Tom.

[fatboyjoe90]

Got myself into a spot of bother last night, after a policeman stopped me driving.
He was suspicious that I'd been drinking and said, "Blow into this bag please sir."
I replied, "Why, are your chips hot



(Stars in Their Eyes is a TV program where contestants sing songs and try to sound as much like the original artist that they are portraying)
Simon goes on 'Stars in Their Eyes'. The host, Matthew Kelly, notices that he is in a wheelchair. He asks 'what happened?' Simon replies 'I was in a car crash with my uncle, he died and I had my legs amputated. But the doctors saved my uncles legs and grafted them onto me. In 6 months times I will be able to walk again!' 'That amazing' says Matthew 'who are you going to be ?'
Simon replies 'tonight Matthew I’m going to be ... Simon and half uncle!'

[BossHogg]

Groan!

[fatboyjoe90]

Tom, i know you like them.

[fatboyjoe90]

Paddy called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."
"That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?"
"I'm not sure, to be honest" Paddy said, "But if they were that would explain the suitcase''


Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he’d like something to drink.
Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee.
“Excellent coffee,” says Paddy.
“Thank you,” says the woman. “My husband brought it back from Brazil.”

“That’s great,” says Paddy, “and it’s still warm as well.

[filsgreen]

[BossHogg]

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.
Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered".
Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10 minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Angus McShagnasty 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down...
I got sent off after 12 minutes"

[fatboyjoe90]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.
The waiter comes and takes their drink order.
“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.
“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.
“I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.
“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”
You’re gonna hate me for this…
Hold on to your seat…
The third piggy says—
“Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home.

[filsgreen]

[BossHogg]

Posting these from behind armoured glass.

[fatboyjoe90]

Great stuff Tom, you’re still as daft as a brush, but we do like you.

[BossHogg]

Yep!

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

[BossHogg]

Why? Are you stuck in aisle 15?

[fatboyjoe90]

I didn't know were i was Tom.

[fatboyjoe90]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,

'We do have a nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'
The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.
He then waves to the crowd and leaves....
NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?
To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'


After a short pause, the rabbit said ...
'Mixin-me-toasties'

[BossHogg]

[filsgreen]

[fatboyjoe90]

A Day at the Zoo
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand.

He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

Now try lifting your dress up your thighs...this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
All of a sudden the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says,


"Now, tell Him you have a bloody headache."

[filsgreen]

[BossHogg]

[fatboyjoe90]

Thanks for your input Phil and Tom :

[fatboyjoe90]

Sally (a IRISH blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."
Sally, "Well, I was told that to get a man I need to get a good pair of hooters first."