Joes Jokes
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Two Irish guys are at the top of a slalom run on a mountain, Paddy says "do we go zig zag, zig zag, zig zag on the way down?"
Murphy says "no, I think you go zag zig, zag zig, zag zig"
A guy walks past so Paddy asks him if he knows, he says "sorry lads, I don't know, I'm a Tobboggonist"
Murphy says "never mind then, I'll have 20 Benson & Hedges"
I AM REALLY AND TRULY BLOWING A FECKIN GASKET!!!!!
I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in Bootle.
I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
Last night I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it.
I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.
Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."
No refund.
No FREE replacement.
I'll tell you what.I am NEVER EVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again. 
Murphy says "no, I think you go zag zig, zag zig, zag zig"
A guy walks past so Paddy asks him if he knows, he says "sorry lads, I don't know, I'm a Tobboggonist"
Murphy says "never mind then, I'll have 20 Benson & Hedges"
I AM REALLY AND TRULY BLOWING A FECKIN GASKET!!!!!
I experienced the WORST customer service today at a shop in Bootle.
I don't want to mention the name of the shop because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.
Last night I bought something from this shop. I paid cash for it.
I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the shop and asked if I could get a refund.
The girl in the shop told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt.
I asked if I could get a replacement instead then.
Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work.
The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK."
No refund.
No FREE replacement.
I'll tell you what.I am NEVER EVER buying another Lotto Ticket from there again.
Cheers Joe.
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EdMcDonald
- Posts: 1281
- Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2008 4:09 pm
- Location: Sherwood Park Alberta Canada
Most of us over 60 were Home Schooled - in many ways
1 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2 My mother taught me RELIGION . "You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3 My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4 My father taught me LOGIC . "Because I said so, that's why.
5 My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
6 My mother taught me FORESIGHT . " Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”
7 My father taught me IRONY . "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”
8 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA . " You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER . "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY . "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”
16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE . "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR . "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
22.My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father.”
1 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2 My mother taught me RELIGION . "You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3 My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4 My father taught me LOGIC . "Because I said so, that's why.
5 My mother taught me MORE LOGIC . "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
6 My mother taught me FORESIGHT . " Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”
7 My father taught me IRONY . "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”
8 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS . "Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM . "Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA . " You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER . "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE . "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY . "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”
16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING "You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE . "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP . "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR . "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
22.My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father.”
Home of the "Edmonton Oilers" Future Stanley Cup Champions.
A long way from Duncan B.C.
A long way from Duncan B.C.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Ed, nice to see you posting on Joes Jokes again, and a very funny one at that.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
I'll never understand women.
My wife has been going on at me for ages about how she thinks I should do more to show my feminine side, yet the minute she comes home from work early and catches me wearing Bra and panties she files for divorce.
My wife phoned me today.
She said, "I've just had my present delivered, I take it this to say sorry for trying to kill me last week."
I said, "Have you opened it yet?"
"No," she replied. "But I'm pretty sure it's a clock."
My wife has been going on at me for ages about how she thinks I should do more to show my feminine side, yet the minute she comes home from work early and catches me wearing Bra and panties she files for divorce.
My wife phoned me today.
She said, "I've just had my present delivered, I take it this to say sorry for trying to kill me last week."
I said, "Have you opened it yet?"
"No," she replied. "But I'm pretty sure it's a clock."
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
"Ten bags of mothballs, please," says Paddy at the chemists.
"But Mr Murphy," says the assistant, "your wife was here yesterday and bought ten bags of the same thing."
"I know," says Paddy, "but we've thrown hundreds of 'em so far and only hit one feckin' moth."
Paddy on the Weakest link.
Anne Robinson asks him "What does 'Acoustic' mean?
Jocky thinks for a while and replied
"It's something for hitting cattle"!
Japanese couple in an argument over ways of highly erotic sex...
Husband: "Sukiyaki."
Wife replies: "Kowanini!"
Husband says: "Toka an Anji Rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!"
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.
And you sit there reading this $hit as if you understand Japanese!
You are really unbelievable!
I always knew that anything on SEX would grab your attention!
"But Mr Murphy," says the assistant, "your wife was here yesterday and bought ten bags of the same thing."
"I know," says Paddy, "but we've thrown hundreds of 'em so far and only hit one feckin' moth."
Paddy on the Weakest link.
Anne Robinson asks him "What does 'Acoustic' mean?
Jocky thinks for a while and replied
"It's something for hitting cattle"!
Japanese couple in an argument over ways of highly erotic sex...
Husband: "Sukiyaki."
Wife replies: "Kowanini!"
Husband says: "Toka an Anji Rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!"
.
.
And you sit there reading this $hit as if you understand Japanese!
You are really unbelievable!
I always knew that anything on SEX would grab your attention!
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman:
"Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker,
"Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker:
"Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again:
"Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
"And where is your famous magic trick?"
The Scotsman says:
"Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle.
They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.
Of course, he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.
After a while, Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do Mick. Let's row some more."
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do."
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?" "Aye it tis!
Can yer hand me da shovel?"
They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and a while before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.
Of course, he did pass away and the boys remembered to keep their promise.
So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat.
After a while, Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do Mick. Let's row some more."
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do."
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?" "Aye it tis!
Can yer hand me da shovel?"
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Cheers Phil.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
A doctor told me that I had a dodgy heart today.
"Are there any problems in your family?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied. "My wife's an alcoholic and my uncle is a Paedophile."
My mate called me today and told me he'd got fired from his job, I asked him why?
and he said it was because he kept asking the customers if they wanted "Smoking or Non-Smoking"
I said, "That's a bit harsh... but to be fair
the correct phrase is Cremation or Burial!!"
I recently picked a new GP. After two visits and some tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well’ for my age.
A wee bit concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?’
He asked, 'Do you smoke, drink beer, wine or spirits?
'Oh not much drinking these days and I don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts, fast food?
'I said, 'Not too much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun when you're on holiday, do you sunbathe in your garden, have BBQs, drinks in the garden etc.
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?’
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the Feck do you want to live to 85?
"Are there any problems in your family?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied. "My wife's an alcoholic and my uncle is a Paedophile."
My mate called me today and told me he'd got fired from his job, I asked him why?
and he said it was because he kept asking the customers if they wanted "Smoking or Non-Smoking"
I said, "That's a bit harsh... but to be fair
the correct phrase is Cremation or Burial!!"
I recently picked a new GP. After two visits and some tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well’ for my age.
A wee bit concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?’
He asked, 'Do you smoke, drink beer, wine or spirits?
'Oh not much drinking these days and I don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts, fast food?
'I said, 'Not too much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun when you're on holiday, do you sunbathe in your garden, have BBQs, drinks in the garden etc.
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?’
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the Feck do you want to live to 85?
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Police reports from America are suggesting that Elvis Presley didn't die from drug intoxication. It is understood he was found at Graceland attempting to get out via his feline access door.
A police statement read "he's caught in a flap"
My girlfriend picked up a pregnancy test in Waitrose this morning.
She said to me, "I can't look, what does it say? What does it say?"
I stared into her eyes and asked, "Are you ready?"
"Yes," she panicked, "Just say it."
"Here we go then," I said, slowly uncovering it with my hand "It's £14.99 babe."
A police statement read "he's caught in a flap"
My girlfriend picked up a pregnancy test in Waitrose this morning.
She said to me, "I can't look, what does it say? What does it say?"
I stared into her eyes and asked, "Are you ready?"
"Yes," she panicked, "Just say it."
"Here we go then," I said, slowly uncovering it with my hand "It's £14.99 babe."
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
- Posts: 1040
- Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
- Location: Stalybridge Manchester
- Contact:
Silvestor had two sons, one he liked and the other he hated., for good reason. He was on his death bed and the good son came in, kissed him on the cheek, cried a little and left.
The second son then came in and asked Silvestor where the money was.
He slowly took his hand from under the sheets and pointed two shaky fingers at the floorboards. The son immediately got a chisel and lifted the floorboards but found no money so put them all back tidily so nobody else would know and left the room.
Silvestor had a miraculous recovery and one day asked his wayward son if all was fine with him. The son asked why he had pointed to the floorboards when he asked where the money was.
The father said. "I was too weak to point my fingers upwards"
The second son then came in and asked Silvestor where the money was.
He slowly took his hand from under the sheets and pointed two shaky fingers at the floorboards. The son immediately got a chisel and lifted the floorboards but found no money so put them all back tidily so nobody else would know and left the room.
Silvestor had a miraculous recovery and one day asked his wayward son if all was fine with him. The son asked why he had pointed to the floorboards when he asked where the money was.
The father said. "I was too weak to point my fingers upwards"
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Ernie.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Autopsy
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"
Indian Names
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son,
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"
Indian Names
This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son,
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled,
"You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess.."
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone for several days but finally, she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man
"
Sally, "Well, I was told that to get a man I need to get a good pair of hooters first."
"You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess.."
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone for several days but finally, she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.
Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."
Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."
Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man
"Sally, "Well, I was told that to get a man I need to get a good pair of hooters first."
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
- Posts: 1040
- Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
- Location: Stalybridge Manchester
- Contact:
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
Irish Diet ... This one really works.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the frikin' skippin'
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
Irish Diet ... This one really works.
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the frikin' skippin'
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said,
"Cross the river."
Adam said ..GOD .. "what's a river ??
God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the Hill......"
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On The other side of the hill you will find a cave.."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave, you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said.
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)
"What's a Headache?"
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him. Then God said,
"Cross the river."
Adam said ..GOD .. "what's a river ??
God explained that to him, and then said,
"Go over to the Hill......"
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On The other side of the hill you will find a cave.."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave, you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." and then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience wearing thin, said Angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said.
(YOU'RE GOING TO
LOVE
THIS!!!!!!)
"What's a Headache?"
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
- Posts: 1040
- Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
- Location: Stalybridge Manchester
- Contact:
-
fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Phil and Ernie.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Old Rugby Players Never Die ...
Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday.
Two 90-year-old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike -- Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better even than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And, best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams!
So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for this Saturday.
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
- Posts: 1040
- Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
- Location: Stalybridge Manchester
- Contact:
Brill.
-
Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
- Posts: 1040
- Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
- Location: Stalybridge Manchester
- Contact:
Another true one.
Back in the '60's I was on duty outside a 'gig' event and talking to a hippie. He was wearing winkle pickers and I joked " Are your feet really that shape"?
He just smiled and, pointing to my helmet, replied "IS YOUR HEAD REALLY THAT SHAPE"?
We both laughed.
Back in the '60's I was on duty outside a 'gig' event and talking to a hippie. He was wearing winkle pickers and I joked " Are your feet really that shape"?
He just smiled and, pointing to my helmet, replied "IS YOUR HEAD REALLY THAT SHAPE"?
We both laughed.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Ernie.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I've got a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text and I can't live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you're not around I've been using your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently and I know that that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt and hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you. Regards, Richard
Fred, feeling angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
Regards, Richard
Fred, feeling angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard:
Hi, Fred. Richard here again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.
Regards, Richard
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
A guy at work with a strong Irish accent was doing a crossword.
He said, "I'm stuck can you help me?"
I said, "Go on."
He asked, "Six letters, transportation the Japanese used to attack pearl harbour?"
I answered, "Planes"
He replied, "Tanks."
I said, "No planes."
Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in London. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Falklands."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog muck, 20 feet back."
Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?"
Billy says, "In the car."
Paddy says, "That's the quickest way."
A guy at work with a strong Irish accent was doing a crossword.
He said, "I'm stuck can you help me?"
I said, "Go on."
He asked, "Six letters, transportation the Japanese used to attack pearl harbour?"
I answered, "Planes"
He replied, "Tanks."
I said, "No planes."
Two men are approaching each other on a pavement in London. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Falklands."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog muck, 20 feet back."
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Cheers Phil.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
An answer that only a child from Scotland could think of.
I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven ?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out,
'YOU'VE GOT TAE BE FECKIN' DEID'.
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.
Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.
The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."
"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small - what room are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"
An answer that only a child from Scotland could think of.
I was testing the children in my local Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to Heaven.
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven ?'
'NO!' the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'
Again, the answer was, 'NO!'
By now I was starting to smile.
Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.
Well, I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'
A six-year-old boy from Glasgow shouted out,
'YOU'VE GOT TAE BE FECKIN' DEID'.
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
- Posts: 5669
- Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
- Location: merseyside
Cheers Eddy,
Cheers Joe.