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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Just got back from a friend's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Bernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria.
One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK.
She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs.
He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of a time.
He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.
She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast.
So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.
.
The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts. :oops: :lol: :lol:
Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.

He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.

"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"

With one eye open, his wife replied,

"Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it." :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.
A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."
"Well, who is in the second coffin?"
My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Join the queue."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
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:D :lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Bernie, :lol: :lol: :lol: the old ones are the best. :wink: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A lawyer boarded an aeroplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's
office. After his checkup, the doctor called
the wife into his office alone. He said, "If
you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die:

1. Each morning.

2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good
mood.

3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.

4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice
meal.

5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably
had a hard day.

6. Don't discuss your problems with him.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife
what the doctor said to her.

"You're going to die," she replied!! :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"



The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:D :D
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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Morris Schwartz

Morris Schwartz is on his death bed and knows the end is near is with the nurse his wife, daughter and two sons and so says to them

"Bernie I want you to take the Beverley Hills houses, Sybil take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza, Hymie I want you to take the offices in the City Centre.

Sarah my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The Nurse is blown away by all this and as Morris slips away she says to Mrs Schwartz "Your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property."

His wife replies "PROPERTY ? Me arse. The ******* has a paper round.."
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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I played some 8 Ball and Snooker today and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what ?'

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap on the couch.



And, that's why women ask so many questions, because they know that men will know the answers!!

(This should spark some discussion on the site?) :wink: :wink: :wink:
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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Scary!



At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all
their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my
coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"
volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth,
to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed
another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as
he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thank God we
can all still drive."
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started..

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

iKnow that this iNnevitably iNitiates the iNag iNput service.

i should be out of the hospital next week!!

iHurt
Last edited by Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) on Mon Feb 12, 2018 3:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

A bloke is shopping in Tesco one day and catches a sexy young blonde lady looking at him, she smiles, waves and says hello. He’s taken aback and cant place where he knows her from. So he politely asks “do you know me?” She replies “I think your the father of one of my kids” He’s totally stunned, and thinks back to the only time he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife and says “oh my God! you’re the stripper from my stag night that I bonked on the pool table with my mates watching, while your mate whipped me with wet celery and stuck a carrot up my backside?!” She replies “No I’m your sons maths teacher”
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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This is for grandparents everywhere!

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the nearby sweets aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for fruit, cereal and coke in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . ., boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy"

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax mate, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure,
and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. This little brat's name is Tommy!
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

All of those jokes are brilliant were do you get them from Ernie? :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Little Johnny's neighbour has just had a little boy.
The only problem is that the baby doesn't have any ears.
Everyone who comes to see the baby compliments the woman on it's looks, but no one mentions the fact that it doesn't have any ears.
Suddenly, the Mother sees Little Johnny coming over from next door.
She becomes very worried because she thinks that he is going to make fun of the baby.
When he enters the house, he compliments the baby on everything without mentioning its' ears. Without warning, he says," he has beautiful eyes, does he have 20/20 vision?"
So she thanks him and asks why.


Finally, he says Well, it's a damn good thing because if he didn't, he wouldn't have a damn thing to hang his glasses on now would he?" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of blokes saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist nutters.. I mean, it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

I like it, Bernie, :lol: :lol: :lol: however some of our lady members mightn’t. :roll: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

I'll keep my tin helmet handy Joe! :lol:


My English teacher was lecturing us the other day.

"In English a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Bernie. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Two 80-year-old men sat talking about the weather and the latest in medical science. One of them mentioned the medical miracle, Viagra.
The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, 'It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The fountain of Youth!
Makes you feel like a young man again.'
The second then asked, Can you get it over the counter?'



'Probably if you took two pills,' said the first man. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Due to the Forecast of Heavy Snow, I went to the Off Licence yesterday on my bicycle, to buy a bottle of Grouse, I put it in the bicycle basket. Then as I was about to leave,
I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
So I drank all of the Grouse before I cycled home. :roll:




A bloody good job I did, as I fell off the bike 7 times on the way home! :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Two West Australian rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size.

The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.

"The second hunter said, "I don't know. Let's throw something down there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter said, "Hey, there's an old automobile gear box over there. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."

So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in.

They were standing there looking over the edge of the hole and listening when they heard a rustling behind them. As they turned around, they saw a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole, and, without hesitation, jump in head first.

While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.

Just then an old farmer sauntered up.

"Say there," said the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"

The old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible. I had him chained to an old gearbox
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

A perv, a con artist and a fascist walks onto a bar in America, the barman says "what do you want to drink, Mr President?"
EdMcDonald
Posts: 1281
Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2008 4:09 pm
Location: Sherwood Park Alberta Canada

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
Home of the "Edmonton Oilers" Future Stanley Cup Champions. :D
A long way from Duncan B.C. :wink:
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

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origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Some good ones there guys keep them coming. :wink: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

An elderly couple is having breakfast. The woman says: "Oh, I had the most wonderful dream: I was 20 years old again and I was cycling through a beautiful forest with my sister." The man replies: "I had a wonderful dream too: I was 20 years old again and I was making love to a beautiful girl." The woman winks and asks: "Were you making love to me?", to which the man replies: "Of course not, you were out cycling with your sister.
ImageImage
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Dermot is walking along a corridor when he suddenly walks through a plate-glass window cutting himself from top to bottom, and being rushed to the hospital, where he was treated and bandaged up to stop all the bleeding.
His best mate Brendan heard he was in the hospital and rushed to see him there.
He walked in and saw Dermot lying in a hospital bed and asked him "Dermot what in god's name happened to you to be here in a hospital bed ?" to which Dermot replied "You wouldn't believe my bad luck, Brendan, I was walking along minding my own business, and, I went straight through this plate-glass window which appeared from nowhere !"
Brendan sighed and then replied

"Well it's just as well you were wearing all those bandages, or, else you would have cut yourself to pieces !"Image
Image
Cheers Joe.
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted"

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.".........
I've found Cod, and I'm a Prawn again Christian".

Bill :D :) :D
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