Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Jun 26, 2019 7:00 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby EdMcDonald » Wed Jun 26, 2019 9:49 pm

>> The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow
>man. Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Air Lingus flight
> from Dublin to Chicago, the lead flight attendant nervously made the
> following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue: "Ladies and
> gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a
> terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have
>103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner
> meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
>When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she
> continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that
> someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of
our 10 hour flight.> Her next announcement came about 1/2 hour later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."
:wink:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jun 27, 2019 12:56 am

filsgreen wrote::lol: :lol:



Cheers Phil. :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jun 27, 2019 12:58 am

Ed, it's a cracker :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jun 27, 2019 1:39 am

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery", asked the couple? "Because I am the artist, who painted the picture", he replied, "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. "They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." :lol: :lol: :lol:







Image Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jun 28, 2019 3:42 am

Irish guy goes on Mastermind:
"Your chosen subject?" Magnus Magnusson asked.
"Easter Rising of 1916, sir," replied Pat.
"Time starts now ... How long did the Easter Rising last?"
"Pass."
"Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
"How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?"
"Pass."
Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:
"That's right, Pat - don't tell the Feckers anything!" :lol: :lol: :lol:









Mom asked Little Johnny if he had enjoyed his school's field trip.
"Yeah, it was great! We saw sheep, horses, goats, and feckers."
Mom said, "Uh, fine, fine. I know what sheep, horses and goats are, but what is a, er, um, 'feckers'?"
Johnny said, "Oh, they're the animals that give us milk."
Mom said, "But who said they were called, er, you know, 'feckers'?"
Johnny replied, "That was our teacher."
"She actually called them 'feckers'!" said Mom, astonished.








"Well actually she called them 'effers,' but we all knew what she meant." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Jun 28, 2019 8:52 am

A Billy Connolly special, always sounds better with the Scottish lilt. :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Jun 29, 2019 1:07 am

I'll try a highland fling for you next time Phil. :wink: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Jun 29, 2019 1:13 am

A man was arrested for murder but bribed a member of the jury to hold out for manslaughter. The jury was out for 8 hours but when it returned the verdict was manslaughter. He smiled at the man he had bribed and whispered 'I'm really grateful, I hope it wasn't too difficult'. 'It was touch and go said the man, the others wanted to acquit you' :lol: :lol: :lol:


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue."Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!" :lol: :lol: :lol:




I went to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first day after I got my new teeth, I talked for only eight minutes.

The second day, I talked for only ten minutes.
The following day, I talked for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

My mates had to mob me to get me to shut up and They asked me what happened.
I explained the first day my gums hurt so bad I couldn't Talk for more than 8 minutes.

The second day my gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes But, the third day,







I put the wife's teeth in by mistake and I couldn't shut up :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Jun 29, 2019 6:00 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Jun 29, 2019 11:13 am

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" 

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. 

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” 

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" 

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." 

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,

"I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. 

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"



"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess!"
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Jun 30, 2019 11:51 am

Went to the car boot this morning. I asked a guy selling old tools if he had any vices. He said " drinking whisky and wearing a dress.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby EdMcDonald » Thu Jul 04, 2019 5:44 pm

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Jul 17, 2019 11:36 am

As 'The Open' starts tomorow, here's a wee golf gag...

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out.. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her..

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to play right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Invicta » Fri Jul 26, 2019 8:24 am

Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Jul 26, 2019 9:15 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Fri Jul 26, 2019 11:49 am

:) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Sat Jul 27, 2019 1:57 pm

An experienced building labourer was placed in charge of the giant cement mixer when from the corner of his eye he spotted a human body hurtling through the sky and into the cement mixer. Immediately he switched off the machine but alas too late for the poor guy caught inside it.
He shouted for his friend to hurry across so that he could share the news. “It’s our friend Indian Joe,” he stammered. “He must have slipped from the scaffold.”
Of course, the authorities had to be informed and in less than ten minutes a police car entered the builders yard. The police officer came across and proceeded to take notes. “We are sure that it’s our friend Indian Joe,” the officer was told. “We were great mates and used to go for a drink together every lunch time at the pub across the road.
The officer wanted the whole contents of the cement mixer tipped out and after examining the contents now spewed onto the ground proceeded to move his boot amidst the broken bones, flesh and part limbs.
“Did he have any distinguishing marks?” asked the officer.
“He had two rectums,” one of the men said, Looking at the other for confirmation.
“How do you mean, he had two rectums?” the officcer asked.
“Well, we told you that we used to have a drink with him at the pub across the road” The officer nodded.
The last time we were in there with him I heard the landlady say to her husband: “ The Indian gentleman’s just come in with the two arseholes”.’
Last edited by Bill fawcett on Sat Jul 27, 2019 4:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Invicta » Sat Jul 27, 2019 3:05 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Sat Jul 27, 2019 6:17 pm

Bill :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Fri Aug 02, 2019 3:17 am

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.
"I have a better idea”, she replied. “Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.”
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed
"Good", she replied "Get your own freaking blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:33 am

Matt :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Invicta » Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:37 am

Matt :lol: :lol: K
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Invicta » Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:36 am

My car broke down so I lifted the bonnet.
There was a bat sitting on my battery.
He said “ you’re a very handsome fellah and so well dressed too.
Then I realised the problem.







“ Bat Flattery “

Sorry, coat’s already on ( Grandson joke )
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Aug 04, 2019 9:21 pm

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around his desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday ......but I fish on Fridays."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Aug 04, 2019 9:25 pm

One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the postman commented.

Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is".

The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed it".

"Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded. "Your name came up seven times".



Thought for the week: Forgive your enemy, but remember their name.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Aug 07, 2019 1:13 pm

An oldie that popped up on my Facebook memories today...

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Aug 07, 2019 1:47 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Fri Aug 09, 2019 3:49 pm

Some gooduns folks :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Wed Aug 14, 2019 5:11 am

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop,
A woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on
She became aware that her skirt was too tight
To allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
She reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step
Only to discover she still couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed,
She once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step,
And once again, much to her chagrin,
She could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver,
She again reached behind to unzip a little more
And again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
Picked her up easily by the waist and
Placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,
“How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Aug 14, 2019 7:02 am

:D :D Good one, Matt, let's keep it going until Joe gets back.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Aug 14, 2019 9:28 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Invicta » Wed Aug 14, 2019 9:44 am

Sex after life.


Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"




"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.









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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Aug 14, 2019 1:16 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Invicta » Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:21 am

Image
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