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filsgreen
Posts: 4484
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 7:28 am

Sat Jun 29, 2019 10:13 am

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" 

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. 

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” 

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" 

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." 

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,

"I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. 

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"



"Still in the ditch with the Harley, I guess!"
filsgreen
Posts: 4484
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 7:28 am

Sun Jun 30, 2019 10:51 am

Went to the car boot this morning. I asked a guy selling old tools if he had any vices. He said " drinking whisky and wearing a dress.
EdMcDonald
Posts: 1322
Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2008 3:09 pm
Location: Sherwood Park Alberta Canada

Thu Jul 04, 2019 4:44 pm

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." :lol: :lol:
Home of the "Edmonton Oilers"
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Bernie R
Posts: 6655
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Wed Jul 17, 2019 10:36 am

As 'The Open' starts tomorow, here's a wee golf gag...

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round. They were totally amazed.

They couldn't figure her out.. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her..

The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to play right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Invicta
Posts: 5707
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2015 5:46 pm
Location: Garden of England

Fri Jul 26, 2019 7:24 am

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filsgreen
Posts: 4484
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 7:28 am

Fri Jul 26, 2019 8:15 am

:lol: :lol:
Eddy Lloyd
Posts: 3959
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 3:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

Fri Jul 26, 2019 10:49 am

:) :)
Bill fawcett
Posts: 2189
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 2:27 pm

Sat Jul 27, 2019 12:57 pm

An experienced building labourer was placed in charge of the giant cement mixer when from the corner of his eye he spotted a human body hurtling through the sky and into the cement mixer. Immediately he switched off the machine but alas too late for the poor guy caught inside it.
He shouted for his friend to hurry across so that he could share the news. “It’s our friend Indian Joe,” he stammered. “He must have slipped from the scaffold.”
Of course, the authorities had to be informed and in less than ten minutes a police car entered the builders yard. The police officer came across and proceeded to take notes. “We are sure that it’s our friend Indian Joe,” the officer was told. “We were great mates and used to go for a drink together every lunch time at the pub across the road.
The officer wanted the whole contents of the cement mixer tipped out and after examining the contents now spewed onto the ground proceeded to move his boot amidst the broken bones, flesh and part limbs.
“Did he have any distinguishing marks?” asked the officer.
“He had two rectums,” one of the men said, Looking at the other for confirmation.
“How do you mean, he had two rectums?” the officcer asked.
“Well, we told you that we used to have a drink with him at the pub across the road” The officer nodded.
The last time we were in there with him I heard the landlady say to her husband: “ The Indian gentleman’s just come in with the two arseholes”.’
Last edited by Bill fawcett on Sat Jul 27, 2019 3:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Invicta
Posts: 5707
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2015 5:46 pm
Location: Garden of England

Sat Jul 27, 2019 2:05 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Eddy Lloyd
Posts: 3959
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 3:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

Sat Jul 27, 2019 5:17 pm

Bill :) :)
Matt
Posts: 1640
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 5:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

Fri Aug 02, 2019 2:17 am

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.
"I have a better idea”, she replied. “Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.”
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed
"Good", she replied "Get your own freaking blanket.”
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Matt
Eddy Lloyd
Posts: 3959
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 3:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

Sat Aug 03, 2019 7:33 am

Matt :) :)
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Invicta
Posts: 5707
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2015 5:46 pm
Location: Garden of England

Sat Aug 03, 2019 7:37 am

Matt :lol: :lol: K
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Invicta
Posts: 5707
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2015 5:46 pm
Location: Garden of England

Sun Aug 04, 2019 7:36 am

My car broke down so I lifted the bonnet.
There was a bat sitting on my battery.
He said “ you’re a very handsome fellah and so well dressed too.
Then I realised the problem.







“ Bat Flattery “

Sorry, coat’s already on ( Grandson joke )
Ken
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1742
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 3:25 pm
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Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:21 pm

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in all the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around his desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesday ......but I fish on Fridays."
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1742
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 3:25 pm
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Sun Aug 04, 2019 8:25 pm

One Monday morning, a postman was walking through a neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His curiosity was cut short by Craig, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow Craig, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night" the postman commented.

Craig, in obvious pain, replied "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The postman thought for a moment and said "How do you play WHO AM I?"

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is".

The postman laughed and said "Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed it".

"Probably a good thing you did" Craig responded. "Your name came up seven times".



Thought for the week: Forgive your enemy, but remember their name.
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Bernie R
Posts: 6655
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Wed Aug 07, 2019 12:13 pm

An oldie that popped up on my Facebook memories today...

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
filsgreen
Posts: 4484
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 7:28 am

Wed Aug 07, 2019 12:47 pm

:lol: :lol:
Eddy Lloyd
Posts: 3959
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 3:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

Fri Aug 09, 2019 2:49 pm

Some gooduns folks :) :)
Matt
Posts: 1640
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 5:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

Wed Aug 14, 2019 4:11 am

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop,
A woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on
She became aware that her skirt was too tight
To allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
She reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
Thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step
Only to discover she still couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed,
She once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step,
And once again, much to her chagrin,
She could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver,
She again reached behind to unzip a little more
And again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
Picked her up easily by the waist and
Placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,
“How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
But after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”
Matt
filsgreen
Posts: 4484
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 7:28 am

Wed Aug 14, 2019 6:02 am

:D :D Good one, Matt, let's keep it going until Joe gets back.
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Invicta
Posts: 5707
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2015 5:46 pm
Location: Garden of England

Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:44 am

Sex after life.


Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"




"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent'.









Virus-free. www.avg.com
filsgreen
Posts: 4484
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 7:28 am

Wed Aug 14, 2019 12:16 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Invicta
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Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2015 5:46 pm
Location: Garden of England

Fri Aug 16, 2019 8:21 am

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filsgreen
Posts: 4484
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 7:28 am

Fri Aug 16, 2019 6:58 pm

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filsgreen
Posts: 4484
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 7:28 am

Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:03 am

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Invicta
Posts: 5707
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2015 5:46 pm
Location: Garden of England

Sat Aug 17, 2019 9:24 am

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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1742
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 3:25 pm
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Sun Aug 18, 2019 7:00 pm

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through bush.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I avoided standing on a snake.

I climbed several rocky hills.

I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees - (ahhh, what a relief)

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers"



Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," he replied,

"I'm just a **** golfer"
Bill fawcett
Posts: 2189
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 2:27 pm

Mon Aug 19, 2019 2:04 pm

The Concert Secretary of the Social Club stood beside the doorman awaiting the arrival of the Artistes. The door opened and in walked a man carrying equipment.
"You're not a hypnotist,are you?" he asked. "If so, you can go somewhere else. You won't be welcome here."
"I'm a singer," explained the man. "Why? What's wrong?
"We had a hypnotist last week," explained the Concert Secretary " and he got twenty people on stage. He had just put them under when he tripped over his microphone wire."
"And......?" asked a now inquisitive Artiste.
"He said SH**, and we've been cleaning it up all week," replied the official.

---------------------------------------------
Gardner 180
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2018 6:17 pm

Fri Aug 30, 2019 5:29 pm

Patrick: What day does Christmas Day fall on this year ?
Michael: It falls on a Friday Pat.
Patrick: I hope its not the 13th. :roll:
Bill fawcett
Posts: 2189
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 2:27 pm

Sun Sep 01, 2019 7:16 am

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Arab met over coffee at a convention.
"I'm happily married," said the Englishman, "and have 10 children. One more and I shall have my own football team."
"I'm happily married," said the Welshman, "and have 14 children. One more and I shall have my own rugby team."
"I'm also happily married," said the Arab, "and have 17 wives. "One more and I shall have my own golf course"

Bill
filsgreen
Posts: 4484
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 7:28 am

Sun Sep 01, 2019 7:24 am

:lol: :lol:
filsgreen
Posts: 4484
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 7:28 am

Mon Sep 16, 2019 1:40 pm

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of the next day's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arsed kid at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
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