Joes Jokes

Join in here with our very own Bootle Chatterbox...

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed May 01, 2019 10:02 am

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He Walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if
she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her
again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the
14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw
the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the
bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she
was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in
appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the
sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!”

--
User avatar
Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
 
Posts: 1575
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu May 02, 2019 2:24 am

Ernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu May 02, 2019 2:28 am

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about £300 a week. Why?" The CEO quickly gets out his chequebook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for £1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy £1,200." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby ALAMO2008 » Fri May 03, 2019 8:56 pm

A 3 year old boy being bathed by by his Mum.

Looks down at his Testicles and asks his Mum :

"Mum are these my Brains ?"

She Replies: " No, ...........Not Yet Son !"
User avatar
ALAMO2008
 
Posts: 627
Joined: Wed Jan 07, 2015 3:31 pm
Location: Aberystwyth

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun May 05, 2019 12:50 pm

 

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.
The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.'
The girl replied,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'
He did and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, 'My nose is cold.'
The girl replied
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'
He did and warmed his nose.
The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,
'My penis is frozen solid.'
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,
'Have you ever heard of a penis?'
Concerned the mother said,
'Why yes..... why do you ask?'
The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'
filsgreen
 
Posts: 4108
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Mon May 06, 2019 9:23 am

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I

Bill
Bill fawcett
 
Posts: 2012
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed May 08, 2019 12:25 am

Thanks, for your jokes guys. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed May 08, 2019 12:30 am

A golfer on a golfing holiday in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.
I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back on holiday. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out £50 I didn't even know was there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'
The golfer blushes turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
C'mon, C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'


'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Naval Padre. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu May 09, 2019 11:52 pm

My lesbian neighbours asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they don’t mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they are pretty easy going. For 3 months now, we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them.


I had a vasectomy last year. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri May 10, 2019 6:42 am

:lol: :lol:
filsgreen
 
Posts: 4108
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Fri May 10, 2019 11:46 pm

This morning, a 9 year old girl just vanished.
Apparently, she had been playing with her mother's make up and had applied some moisturiser that takes 10 years off your age. :)

Bill
Bill fawcett
 
Posts: 2012
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon May 13, 2019 7:50 pm

Cheers Phil. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon May 13, 2019 7:51 pm

Bill. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon May 13, 2019 7:54 pm

My grandma was talking to her 75-year-old Neighbour
"I'm going to that new movie 'Moby Dick', do you want to come?"
"Oh no no," says her neighbour
"I don't like those sex films." "It's a film about whales silly," says grandma.
To which her friend replies



"I can't Stand the Bloody Welsh either :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Last edited by fatboyjoe90 on Mon May 13, 2019 11:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Mon May 13, 2019 9:47 pm

:lol: :lol:
filsgreen
 
Posts: 4108
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed May 15, 2019 12:40 am

Cheers Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed May 15, 2019 12:42 am

Quasimodo went to his doctor.
' How can I help you,' asked the doctor.
' I just don't feel right,' replied Quasimodo
' OK, can you take off all your clothes and we'll try to find out what's wrong. ' said the doctor.
Quasimodo took off ten vests, eight shirts and fourteen jumpers.
' When was the last time you took off all your clothes? ' asked the doctor.
' When I was at school, ' replied Quasimodo.






' Did you never wonder what happened to your school bag,' replied the doctor. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu May 16, 2019 1:32 am

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”
Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Welshman: (look of shock)
Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”
Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)
Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"







Welshman: "That sheep's a bloody liar!!” :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu May 16, 2019 7:18 am

:lol: :lol:
filsgreen
 
Posts: 4108
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat May 18, 2019 10:34 pm

Cheers Phil. :D :D
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat May 18, 2019 10:38 pm

Inspired by a radio advert that I'd heard, I decided to tell the Doctor about something that had been bothering me for a while.
"You see Doctor... It's been quite loose and there's always a bit of blood in it."
"And how long has it been like this?" he asked.
I turned to my wife, "Ever since she had our third child" I said. :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:



My wife slumped down in the bed and said "Thank Christ that's over for another year".
I said, "I know, Christmas can be so stressful.".
She said.






"I was talking about the sex". :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat May 18, 2019 10:41 pm

:lol: :lol: late night comedy, Joe.
filsgreen
 
Posts: 4108
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat May 18, 2019 10:55 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: Phil.
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Tue May 21, 2019 4:08 pm

Paddy has suffered with a bad back for years and nobody can sort him out.
His mate Mick tells him about this evangelical church that holds faith healing sessions and suggests he gives it a try which Paddy does.
The day after Mick meets Paddy and asks him how it went and Paddy said it was absolutely rubbish and walked out before the end.
Mick asks him whether it was just him that felt that way and Paddy said "No, even the guy in the wheelchair next to me got up and walked out as well"

Bill
Bill fawcett
 
Posts: 2012
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue May 21, 2019 4:46 pm

:lol: :lol:
filsgreen
 
Posts: 4108
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed May 22, 2019 1:13 am

Good one Bill. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed May 22, 2019 1:15 am

A bank robber walks up to one of his hostages and asks, did you see my face?
The hostage replies yes. The robber takes aim and shoots the man in the head. :(
He turns to the next man, did you see my face?






No, but my wife caught a glimpse!! :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed May 22, 2019 10:12 am

:lol: :lol:
filsgreen
 
Posts: 4108
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu May 23, 2019 1:03 am

Cheers Phil. :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu May 23, 2019 1:07 am

Image :lol: :lol: :lol:


Old Is When
Scotch With Two Drops of Water.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'




The old woman replies,
'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat May 25, 2019 1:18 am

As the wife sat eating her corn flakes, looking at the rain streaming down our caravan window she said
"Do you think it will last all week?"
I said "Probably
It's a big enough box!" :lol: :lol: :lol:



My blonde wife called me at work and said she can't find her glasses, so I told her to use her contacts.
She rang me back an hour later to say she had called everyone in her phone,


and none of them knew where they were either. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
User avatar
fatboyjoe90
 
Posts: 5317
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Sat May 25, 2019 4:09 am

Subject: "GUTS" and "BALLS"
There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls", according
to the British military.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls".
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal:
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the bum and having the "Balls" to say: “You're next, Chubby”.
I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
Matt
Matt
 
Posts: 1534
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat May 25, 2019 6:48 am

:lol: :lol:
filsgreen
 
Posts: 4108
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby BossHogg » Sat May 25, 2019 9:21 pm

Researchers for Highways England found over 200 dead crows near the motorway network recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

Highways England then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck"!
User avatar
BossHogg
 
Posts: 377
Joined: Thu Mar 24, 2016 5:19 am
Location: Netherton, Maryport.

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun May 26, 2019 9:18 am

:roll: :roll: :lol: :lol: Tony Blackburn special, that one, Joe.
filsgreen
 
Posts: 4108
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

PreviousNext

Return to Chat about anything with the Bootle Bucks

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests