Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Nov 03, 2017 1:04 am

Matt :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Nov 03, 2017 1:06 am

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.
The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."
Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.
Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the hen house and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." :cry: :cry: :cry:














Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby lily8 » Fri Nov 03, 2017 2:01 am

Joe that's a wee ripper :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Fri Nov 03, 2017 3:12 pm

:) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Fri Nov 03, 2017 7:17 pm

:D :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Nov 04, 2017 2:53 am

Thanks, guys. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Nov 04, 2017 2:58 am

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt, says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." and he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." and makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." :roll:














"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Nov 08, 2017 1:17 am

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto. :oops: :lol: :lol:



A black guy, a white guy and a Mexican guy were eyeing a hot chick from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.

She says, "I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence."

The black guy goes, "I love to eat liver and cheese."

The white guy goes, "I like to cook liver and cheese."

The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys, "Liver alone, cheese mine!!" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Nov 08, 2017 9:20 am

Arr eh Joe :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Thu Nov 09, 2017 12:06 pm

Groannnn :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Sat Nov 11, 2017 12:54 pm

How can you spot the Irish Jew at the Wailing Wall? - He's the one with the harpoon. :D

------------------------
An Irishman came home and told his wife he had been banned from the local DIY store.
"Why?" She asked.
"Well," he said, "a bloke in overalls came up to me and asked if I wanted decking, so I thought I'd get the first punch in"
:D :D
------------------------

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, what are those two bulges down the front of your trousers?"
"They're hand grenades," said Paddy. The next time that queer Flanagan comes in here and starts feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!" :D

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Sat Nov 11, 2017 1:04 pm

Hitler went to a psychic to find out what day he would die. After looking into her crystal ball, the psychic said "Mein Fuhrer, you will die on a Jewish holiday."
Hitler was shocked. "Well which holiday is it?" he demanded.
The psychic replied. "Fuhrer, the day that you die will always be a Jewish holiday."
------------------------------------

What did the German bisexual do? - She went down on her Hans and niece. :D

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Nov 13, 2017 8:35 pm

Eddy and Phil, I'm not that bad am i :?: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Nov 13, 2017 8:36 pm

Some good ones there Bill, thanks for posting them. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Nov 14, 2017 1:16 am

I must of had my zipper down when I slapped my wife at Walmart.
I could hear people murmuring,"OMG what a prick!" :oops: :D :D


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust,
'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back and said: 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!' :lol: :lol: :lol:


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' and storms off.
He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks,
'What did you do?'
Paddy replies, 'I've put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!' :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Nov 14, 2017 7:34 am

:D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Tue Nov 14, 2017 8:46 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Nov 14, 2017 10:54 am

One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Tue Nov 14, 2017 1:21 pm

:D :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:53 am

Thanks, guys. :D :D :D

One-armed butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out! Bernie. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:57 am

Four men are sat in a bar when one of them says 'What do you think the fastest thing ever is?'.
The four men then think for a while and the first man says 'I think it's got to be blinking'.
The second man then says 'Nope, I think it's gotta be thoughts because they're almost instant'.
The third man then says 'Well I think it's electricity' and then demonstrates it's speed by flicking a light switch on and off.
The fourth man then speaks up and says 'Nope. Your all wrong.

The fastest thing ever is diarrhoea.'
The other three men then look at him puzzled before he responds by saying 'The other day I had diarrhoea and I ran into my bathroom and before I could blink, think or turn on the light, I'd $hit my pants'. :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:



A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds:


"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!!" :oops: :D :D :D Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Thu Nov 16, 2017 6:02 am

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”.
She answers: “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive”.
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy - to have a nun kiss me”.
She responds: “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic”.
The cab driver is very excited and says: “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says: “Pull into the next alley”.
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child”, said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish”.
The nun says: “That’s OK! My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 12:11 am

Matt. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Nov 18, 2017 12:14 am

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right side.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said .....
'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew......

'Gits won't let me fart' :oops: :lol: :lol:

THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SCOTISH LASS!......
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.
..The first man married a Greek girl
. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai girl.
He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. ...
.The third man married a girl from Perth He ordered her to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day.
The first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything either,
...... but by the third day, some of the swellings had gone down,
he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Kathy John Moorcroft » Sat Nov 18, 2017 10:35 am

Haha, Joe and jokers, thanks for the chuckles . :lol: :lol:

Kathy.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Nov 23, 2017 7:58 pm

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back five minutes later:

"Computer really screwed up now."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Nov 23, 2017 11:08 pm

:D :D thought there'd be a few Everton ones by now :cry:
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