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fatboyjoe90
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Thanks for the jokes folks some good ones there keep them coming. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Flight Announcement
British-airways
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilt coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" :roll:














From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled "For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!” :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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The Rabbi rose with a red face...
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the K. K. K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."
No one moved.
The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression! "
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead " gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.





I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. “ :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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When I proposed to my wife she told me to pick the outfits as long as they matched.

I looked bloody ridiculous walking down the aisle wearing a dress. :lol: :lol: :oops:


I walked up to a dwarf today and said, "That cigarette you're holding will stunt your growth."

"It's not a cigarette," he replied, "I'm blind." :oops: :lol: :lol:


Finding sweet corn in my poo left me with some questions.

How did it get there when I haven't eaten any?

Why does it not digest properly?

And why is everyone on the train staring at me :?: :oops: :D :D


Paddy wants to become a Priest, so he went to see the Bishop who said, "you must answer three questions on the Bible."

1st, who was born in a stable?'
"Red Rum," paddy said.

'2nd, what do u think of Damascus?'
"It kills 99% of all germs," paddy replied.

'3rd, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?'

"That's easy," paddy said.

"Popeye kicked the shite out of them!!" :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.


While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.


The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she’s finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.


Finally Barack Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he’s finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and to feel free to call the USA anytime.


Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call the USA free. The devil replied,


"Since Trump became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call."
Eddy Lloyd
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Everton and Liverpool :) :) :)
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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USA Political typing error.

It has been announced that TRUMP has ordered the JFK FLIES to be opened.

That's not news....Clinton did it all the time. :shock: :shock: :shock:
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

The lady of the house was just sitting down to eat at a large dinner party when she accidentally breaks wind, she turns to the butler and says "Jeeves! Stop that"

the butler replies "Certainly Ma'am, which way did it go?" :lol: :lol: :lol:


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Pakistan just got their new Chinese fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training.
'Ok, this one is easy to fly', said the Chinese trainer, 'even you fools should be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and this one for turning right!'
'But how do we come down?' asked Capt Arfath Pasha.

'Oh,' said the Chinese 'leave that to the British Air Force!' :lol: :lol: :lol:




PLEASE HELP
I've spent ages preparing the ingredients and now they've ended up all over the bottom of the oven.




How the feck am I supposed to put the dish in at 180 degrees? :lol: :lol: :lol:





Image
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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:lol: :lol: :lol:
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filsgreen
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:) :D
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Thanks, Ernie and Phil. :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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"Excellent work class," said the teacher.
"You've all made great attempts at national costumes.
Geeta's naturally wearing a sari.
Toby's wearing a hat with corks on from Australia.
Anna's wearing a Scottish kilt, but I'm not sure why you're wearing an Arsenal shirt for Africa, Johnny?"

"Cause every famine appeal I've seen you always see one," he replied. :lol: :lol: :lol:

A Mexican came to my front door today asking if I had any See-saws.

"Yeah," I replied. "...in the back garden by the swing."

He was back a minute later. "No, Senor!" he says, "See-saws! I need to cut my hair!" :lol: :lol: :lol:



Went for an interview on a building site today.
The foreman said, "Can you make tea?"
I said, "Yes I can make tea."
He said, "Can you drive a forklift?"


I said, "Jesus Christ How big's the feckin teapot?" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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:lol: nice one, Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Thanks for that Phil. :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Four men are sat in a bar when one of them says 'What do you think the fastest thing ever is?'.
The four men then think for a while and the first man says 'I think it's got to be blinking'.
The second man then says 'Nope, I think it's gotta be thoughts because they're almost instant'.
The third man then says 'Well I think it's electricity' and then demonstrates it's speed by flicking a light switch on and off.

The fourth man then speaks up and says 'Nope. Your all wrong.
The fastest thing ever is diarrhoea.'
The other three men then look at him puzzled before he responds by saying 'The other day I had diarrhoea and I ran into my bathroom and before I could blink, think or turn on the light,










I'd $hit my pants'. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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Cheers Joe, the old ones are the best :D :D
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Sorry about that Phil. :cry: :cry: :cry:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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An Emergency Call Centre worker in London England, has been disciplined,
much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.


It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating,


"This is Muhammad El Ajakar and I am very depressed.
I am lying here on a railway track.
I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."




Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line,"was not considered to be an appropriate response :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

SOME UNACCEPTABLE HUMOUR!!



Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists? :lol: :lol:

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair. :lol: :lol:


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening". :roll: :oops:

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back. :roll: :D

At the Senior Citizens Center, they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer was Africa!!! :lol: :lol:

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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Treading on thick ice with a few of them, Joe :D
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Bernie R
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Location: Netherton

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

filsgreen wrote:Treading on thick ice with a few of them, Joe :D

I know Phil, I'll have to be more careful next time. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Bernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
Matt
Posts: 1198
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

My friend, we’ll call him “Tom”, was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
“Tom" wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance.
• To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 200 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother. :lol:
Matt
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Matt :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.
The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."
Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy.
The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.
Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the hen house and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese.
Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself." :cry: :cry: :cry:














Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
lily8
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Joe that's a wee ripper :lol: :lol: :lol:
Lily
Eddy Lloyd
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:) :) :)
graham01
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:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Thanks, guys. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
The golfer says to himself: "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers: "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt, says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself: "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." and he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." and makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." :roll:














"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto. :oops: :lol: :lol:



A black guy, a white guy and a Mexican guy were eyeing a hot chick from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.

She says, "I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence."

The black guy goes, "I love to eat liver and cheese."

The white guy goes, "I like to cook liver and cheese."

The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys, "Liver alone, cheese mine!!" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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Arr eh Joe :D :D
Eddy Lloyd
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Groannnn :)
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