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filsgreen
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Thanks lads :D :D
Eddy Lloyd
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Location: Waterloo

:) :) :)
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D :D :D
Girl goes on an internet date after being single for years. She meets up with a guy and they get on well.at the end of the night out they go to her place.
After a bit of kissing he takes off his tie then washes his hands ,strange she thinks.
He takes off all his cloths and then hers.each time he takes something off he washes his hands.
They finally go to bed and make love.in the morning she says to him you are a dentist arent you.
How do you know?








Because i didnt feel a thing.
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

I’m loving these jokes guys keep posting them. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Returning home from work, a young blonde woman was shocked to find that her house had been ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash.

The blonde woman ran out on the porch and shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog.
Then she sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and moaned, "I came home to find all my possessions stolen. I called the police for help, and what do they do?








They send me a BLIND policeman! :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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:lol: :lol:
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
Eddy Lloyd
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

:) :) :)
nicolas
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Joined: Mon Nov 04, 2013 8:10 am

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing

that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He then announced that he would now buy
at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy
on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will
sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!



Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works!
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Bernie R
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Location: Netherton

Probably been on the thread before but it's popped up on my Facebook memories so...

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."
The policeman fainted.

:shock: :lol:
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
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Good one Bernie :lol:
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Another nice one Bernie :lol: :lol: :lol: Can't say I have heard that one before.

Great thread here. Just like all being in the pub together.

There must also be plenty of non posters having a good laugh too, just like in the pub with the group next to you, who you don't even know, listening in and having a chuckle.
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filsgreen
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A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where the ship?
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fatboyjoe90
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A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you £50 the man is going to jump.
"The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette £50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then.
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. :wink: :roll:







"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Paddy was working at the timber yard and accidentally shears off his fingers.
He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do."
Paddy replies, "I haven’t got the fingers."
The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?
We could have done microsurgery.
I could have sewn them back on.
Why on Earth didn't you bring the fingers?"















The man replies, "I couldn’t feckin pick them up!” :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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Couple of good ones there, Joe :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Thanks for that Phil. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

I was telling my mate today about a threesome I had with these hot twins on the weekend.

In awe, he asked me, 'How could you tell them apart?'

I told him, 'One of them was blonde, long gorgeous legs and massive breasts. Her brother had a beard.' :lol: :lol: :lol:


IS THIS WHAT WE ARE HEADING TOWARDS?

A little lad says, “Daddy, how was I born?”

His computer geek Dad says “Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway."

"Well, you see your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a feckin' Pop-Up appeared and said.



You've Got Male. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
Silver-Haired-Hippy
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Joined: Sat Jul 16, 2011 6:50 pm
Location: Abergele

Hi Joe, you crack me up! :lol: :lol: :lol: sorry I don't post replies often but I enjoy your jokes!!! :D

Loretta
A bit of Bootle in Wales
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fatboyjoe90
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Thanks for that Loretta. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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The Golfer

> An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
> hospital.
> Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have
> some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that
> I have to remove your right arm!"
> "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
> good news?"
> "The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
> woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the
> transplant"
> "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
> The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
> when he bumped into the surgeon.
> "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
> "Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My
> new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
> "That's great," said the surgeon.
> "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
> learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
> landscapes in watercolours."
> "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the
> transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
> "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and
> every time I get an erection I also get a headache
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fatboyjoe90
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Phil. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

A team of archaeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with
the symbols of a woman a donkey a shovel a fish, and a Star of David on
the wall.
The head archaeologist points to the first drawing.
"This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem."
He says.
"The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil.
The shovel means they were able to forge tools.
Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish:
If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews."
The second archaeologist shakes his head.
"Hebrew is read from right to left," he explains. :roll:









"It says, Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chic. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:) :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
Matt
Posts: 1198
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

Good on you Joe,FINALLY a Jewish joke I have never hear before :lol: :lol: :lol:
and still laughing :lol: :lol: Sending it to my cousin in Israel.
Matt
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Glad you liked Matt. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

Even though my wife only passed away last week, I just wish I could speak to her one last time.

I haven't a clue where my bloody golf shoes are. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Some guy came into my tattoo parlour crying. He said, "I want a tattoo of a famous postman somewhere on my body, please help me sir."

So I gave him a pat on the back. :lol: :lol: :lol:



I asked my wife what she would like for an anniversary gift.
She said, "Something gold, I like gold."
I asked, "Yes, but what?"
She said, "I honestly don't mind, just something gold."
She had very little grounds for any argument as I handed her a fish. :lol: :lol: :lol:


My wife said she wanted more excitement in the bedroom.

So I bought one of those beds that look like a racing car. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Mary says to Sue, "I have to be really careful not to get pregnant."
Sue says, "but I thought your husband just had a vasectomy?"
"That's right," says Mary, "that's why I need to be really careful." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
Eddy Lloyd
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

:) :) :)
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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God will provide

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in? I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father."I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us.""And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?""Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job, no plans and he thinks I am God.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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A headline today reads 'Jessica Chastain reveals she was spanked by a producer'

I THOUGHT....That's not news....

I was spanked by my Dad over seventy years ago. :roll:
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

Some punny sayings


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practise safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist,
You get repossessed

With her marriage,
He got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -
Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Bill :D :D
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filsgreen
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Really clever, Bill, thanks for posting. :D
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Hello…is this Gordon’s Pizza?



No sir, it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want …

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I don't want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol..

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another chemist.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash..

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch or spy on me.

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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