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lynne99
Posts: 1206
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 2:55 pm
Location: Rugby

JOE :oops: What a start to a wonderful bank holiday. Have a good one.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks for that Lynne. :wink: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

What do you find them, Joe? :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks Phil, you know i can't tell you. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

My grandmother died in the 80's but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 50 pence’s she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway.
Her soothing hands when I would get hurt.
But the thing I remember most was her advice.
Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a cookie and a Coke.
She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"Always remember this, she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small fingers & hands."
"How come, Grandma?"
She smiled and said gently, "Makes your Willy look bigger."Grandma was special! :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Just a thought but I was wondering if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used the phrase.

"Thanks for coming" :lol: :lol: :lol:


How to answer your phone.....
Hello, City Crematorium, You kill em, we grill em.... How can I help?

How To Answer Your Phone...
Bristol Sperm Bank, You Spank It, We Bank It....... How Can I Help?

How To Answer Your Phone...
Carol's Circumcision Clinic, You Flop It, We Chop It... How Can I Help?

How To Answer Your Phone...
Bob's Orphanage, You Make Um, We Take Um... How Can I Help? :lol: :lol: :lol:


WHAT A BUMMER

I was sitting down in a bar last night and noticed a table a girls were frequently looking over at me and smiling. I started smiling back and then built up the courage to give a quick wave to them.
I then walked to the bar to get myself another drink. I started to walk back to my table full of confidence with the attention I had been getting. That was shot to shreds when I saw that there was a TV on the wall above my chair. :D :D :D Image
Cheers Joe.
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

An old one always worth another chuckle...

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ar$e that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: Couple of good ones there, lads. Thanks for posting.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Bernie :D :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks for that Phil. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.

To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.

I do care for her you know :D :D :D





I saw an elderly lady getting jumped by a group of boys the other day, so obviously i tried to help.
She put up a good fight but just before we got the purse she got me with a clean left hook and
I’ve been in the hospital for the last 2 days. :lol: :lol: :lol:




My eldest daughter told me she wanted to take up modelling

So I bought her a bag of plasticine. :D :D :D




One time this blonde girl was at a vending machine.
She would stick a quarter in, push the button, and a soda would come out and she would put it on the top.
She did this a few more times before a man asked why she kept doing this, and she said,
"Because I'm winning. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
Eddy Lloyd
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

Joe :) :) :)
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Bernie R
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Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound boy.
Doctors say they expect the kid to be walking 6 months before his mother!!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Bernie. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

I've worked out that if I leave a note on my wife's pillow, I am more likely to get sex that night.

But the kind of sex I get depends on whether I leave a £20 or a £50.:lol: :lol: :lol:



Sharing fantasies with your partner is a bad idea.

Last night my wife suggested we tell each other our deepest fantasies, which led to a huge fight.

She said to me, "I'd love to tie you up, whip you and pour hot candle wax on you".

I then whispered in her ear, "I've always wanted a ".Samsung 52” T V somehow she is not speaking to me!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:





My wife used to punch me in the face every time she had an orgasm during sex,

sometimes she would orgasm three or four times.

I didn't mind so much until,
I found out she was faking them :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A couple made a deal that whoever died first
would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to
go, and true to his word he made contact,
"Judy. Judy."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe
in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch,
another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again.
Then have sex until late at night. The next day it
starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." :lol: :lol: :lol:


"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit called Bugs on a golf course in New Zealand."Image
Cheers Joe.
Eddy Lloyd
Posts: 3333
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

I'm in hospital having been poisoned folks, I thought I was eating an onion bulb but it turned out to be a daffodil bulb. Don't worry folks I'll be out by Spring. :)
Matt
Posts: 1198
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

You are Just as nutty as Joe Eddy :lol: :lol:
Got a wonderful birthday card last week which made me think of you Joe(and now Eddy)
It was about 4 pages long with about 50 of Tommy Coopers "one liners".Magic.
Matt
Eddy Lloyd
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

Matt :)
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Eddy. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Matt, :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies. "Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway,

licking his balls and I backed over him with the car." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:lol: :lol:
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D :D :D graham.
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks for your replies Graham and Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

My wife shouted, "I've had it up to here with you!" putting her hand 2 inches over her head, before storming out the door.

I just laughed.

It's hard to take her seriously though, she's a dwarf. :oops: :D :D :D



My daughter rang me earlier.

"Dad," she screamed. "Mum's collapsed and she's struggling to breathe! I think she's dying."

"Have you called an ambulance?" I panted.

"No, not yet," she cried.

"Right, get on that phone," I said. "And book the crematorium for Friday." :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:



I was just walking through customs when I was stopped by security.

They asked, "Do you mind if we search your bag?"

I said, "Not at all, she should be along shortly, she's just nipped to the toilet." :oops: :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:





My wife and I were discussing what song we each would like played at our funerals.

"I want something memorable," she said, "something that will bring everyone close together"

"I know what you mean" I said softly as I made my way to the CD player, "something like this?"

Well, the bloody look she gave me as I bounced around to the conga was proper evil. :lol: :lol: :lol:



The hospital called me to tell me that my wife was showing early signs of emerging from her year long coma.

"Some music might be useful," the doctor suggested.

"I was just thinking that," I nodded. "I'll get a CD of lullabies this afternoon." :lol: :lol: :lol:



As I bent over and the nurse applied the cream, she asked "how on earth did this happen? What the hell were you doing?"

I replied, "....well, I met this guy in the pub and found him rather attractive....."

"Whoaaa," she said. "Too much inflammation." :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:



My wife came in whiles I was watching TV and demanded she be able to watch Embarrassing Bodies.

So I bought her a mirror. :lol: :lol: :lol:


Wife: What would you do if I died?
Man: I would go crazy
Wife: Would you re-marry?
Man: Not that crazy... :D :D :D Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

I wish I could remember half of these jokes. :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Just read that a blue whale's fart bubbles are so big a horse could stand inside one.

Exactly like the wife's on a Sunday morning after a night on the Guinness and a curry, then!




I spoke to my mate Raj the other day. I said
"Isn't it funny how Syrians are just like Staffordshire Bull terriers?" He gave me the filthiest look and said
"Why because some of them are brown and you think that a few of them are too aggressive?"
"No, not at all, the feckers are everywhere and people are having a nightmare trying to re home them." :lol: :lol: :lol:




My wife said she misses the gentleman that she married years ago.

What's the problem?
Didn't I hold the umbrella yesterday when she changed my tyres? :lol: :lol: :lol:



Did you hear about the incontinent Scotsman?

He had a wee problem. :lol: :lol: :lol:




While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care. :lol: :lol: :lol:



I was on the last train home last night and the carriage was empty except for me and this sexy brunette sitting opposite.

I'd had a few drinks and was feeling a bit confident so I gave her a wink and a smile. She winked back and gave a little giggle.

Knowing that I was well in, I leant forwards and gently ran my finger up her leg. She gave me a look of shock, but didn't protest.

I caressed her thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze. She furrowed her brow but still no complaint.

With that my desire took over. I dived into the vacant seat next to her and grabbed one of her breasts and pulled it out. She squealed as I licked it all over and gave it a cheeky nibble.

Then I slowly sat back down in my seat and we exchanged stares. After a minute of silence she looked at me, with a little tear in her eye and said,






"You've ruined my KFC" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

Are you a Apple Lover???

Subject: Apple Computer

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte,

Then everything crashed!
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Good one Ernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman
stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.'
The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best
perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting
for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.










'Needs Feckin ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner? :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
Matt
Posts: 1198
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very
frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack
selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an
over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none just ties pure silk and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little
neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find
water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me
infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue
over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant.
It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...

"They won't let me in without a tie!
Matt
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f****** Brick wall!"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Matt. :lol: :lol: :lol:


Bernie. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money
is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the
money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head
and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin
Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies,

















"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger! :D :D :D Image
Cheers Joe.
lily8
Posts: 10062
Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:57 am
Location: Far North Queensland Australia

Joe you are a ray of sunshine to wake up to with your jokes thanks mate :D
Lily
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