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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

I got this off my uncle who is in his 70's. We've got to keep Joe's topic going, until he starts posting again.

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, asking why I didn't do something
useful with my time.

"So sitting by the fire and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Her talking about my "doing something-useful" seems to be her
favourite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down
to the local and have a couple of pints with the lads, so I did this
and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachuting Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 75 years old and now you're going
to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, dad, where are
your glasses? This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a
Parachute Club."

"Oh no! I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to
do. I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that
my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it
can be ever so much fun .
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
(THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT)
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Bernie R
Posts: 5597
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A couple was lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, "Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years."

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,"My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit ?'

She replied, "No, I don't think you understand. My name was Brian and I played Rugby for the All Blacks..."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Like it, Bernie. We've got to keep Joe's topic going until he starts posting again.
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

THESE ARE PEARLS OF WISDOM YOU MAY DO WELL TO REMEMBER.

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man
who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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Aye!! A Proud Man To Be Sure!!


A Glasgow man phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

“£85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied .

"£85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock off £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, huv yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
philrob
Posts: 604
Joined: Mon Nov 09, 2009 2:04 pm
Location: Western Australia

"It's no use - I cannot take it any more. I'm going back to my Mum's place!" she cried.

"Nothing is working in this house, including you!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on
The beer was cold,
What the hell is she talking about?
__________________________________________

I have finally discovered what I want to be as I get older.
Younger!
__________________________________________

In wine, there is wisdom
In beer, there is strength.
In water, there is bacteria!
You decide.
Philrob

Western Australia
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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The triumph of age and experience:

A farmer took his truck into a garage for its annual MOT and found there was some extra work so decided to leave it and collect it later.

On the way home he stopped at B&Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the poultry shop and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his shopping home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get back to 72 Field Lane ? The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this jigger. You'll be home in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the jigger you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, Bloody hell lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
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filsgreen
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Pinched of FB :D


Image
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Bernie R
Posts: 5597
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Bernie R
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Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition.
Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Bernie R
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Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Here's an old one that came up on my FB memories this morning...


A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes Audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would yYou give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --Silence --

HUSBAND: "$hit !!!"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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Two American golfers are waiting on the first tee when one pulls out a twelve inch BIC cigarette lighter and lit his cigar. His mate is curious and asked him wherever did he manage to get such a long cigarette lighter.

Reply "I got it off my genie".

"Where is your genie"

Reply "In my golf bag".

On looking in his mates golf bag he saw that, sure enough, the genie was visible.

He said " You gave my best mate a really unusual twelve inch Bic so can you grant me a single wish for anything I want".

"No problem" said the genie. " What would you like",

Answer " I would really like million bucks"

The sky suddenly clouded over and it got very dark before he saw the sun shining through a break in the clouds. It was filled by flying ducks.
He looked at his mate an d asked what was going on.

Reply " DO YOU REALLY THINK I ASKED FOR A TWELVE INCH BIC".
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life In 2017 -- Remember:

1. Jim Bakker and Jimmy Swaggart have written an impressive new book. It's called ...'Ministers do more than lay people'.

2.Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash, and it Is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if You're in the loo.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the Mood7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, Gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending Machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.



And as you slide down that Banister of Life you should pray that all the splinters are pointed the other way...
Last edited by Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) on Mon Jul 17, 2017 11:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Bernie R
Posts: 5597
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Mike..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Mike
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again'

Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your F***’n Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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A father's warning


The daughter said to her father, "Dad, there’s something that my
boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand."

"What did he say?" the Dad asked.

"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a
fantastic bumper.”

Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your bonnet
and tries to check your oil with his dipstick , I’ll tighten his nuts
so hard that his headlights will pop out and he’ll start leaking out
of his exhaust pipe."
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Two Irish men, Paddy and Mick, were adrift in a life boat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions Paddy stumbled across an old lamp.
As you might expect, he rubbed it vigorously and sure enough, as you might expect, out popped a genie. This genie however was a little different. He said he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, Mick blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Guiness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. His abbreviated work done, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Paddy looked disgustedly at Mick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment Paddy said, "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Men!

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kind of strange.
So she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you".

Husband: "What’s up?"

Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this is not our kid."

Husband: "Well you don’t remember, do you?
When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped".

You said: "Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here".

So I went inside, left the dirty one there and got a clean one.

Moral:

Never give a man a job that doesn't belong to him.







































































 


         


























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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had in the bottle..
The little boy said, ‘This is the most powerful liquid in the world Father; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, ‘No my son, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. You rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly and she will pass a healthy baby.’

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, it'll pass Louis Hamilton in a Mercedes.




***................................................................................................................................................


In a train from London to Manchester , an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment about Britain leaving the European Union.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much and it is going to be worse now you are leaving the EU. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me . . . . I'm an ‘all round’ me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman lowered his newspaper, looked over his glasses and replied, "How terribly sporting of your mother!"


......................................................................................................................
Matt
Posts: 1198
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish
captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese..'
'No like Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no like Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no matta.all same.
Matt
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filsgreen
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Couple of good ones there, lads. :D :lol:
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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:lol: :lol: :lol:

Nice one. M.

You know...the day is much better when you can wake up to a belly chuckle. You just provided mine.

Thanks F.
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Bernie R
Posts: 5597
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Man walks into a bar, and orders three drams of whisky, four pints of Guinness, eight shots of Jaegermeister.
As soon as the barman pours each drink, the man downs it immediately.
The barman looks up, 'Are you alright there Sir? You're drinking them pretty quickly!'
The man looks over his third pint of Guinness and says, 'Well, you've got to drink quickly when you've got what I have.'
The barman stops pouring the fourth pint, and asks, 'Why? What have you got then?'
The man looks up, sighs, and says, 'About one pound fifty.'
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

:D :)
Matt
Posts: 1198
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 6:02 pm
Location: vancouver island

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.*
*He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours.*
*The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming
days.*
*So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a
farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty,
you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I
expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".*
*The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced
professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very
different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he
continued on his way.*
*However, a short time later torrential rain fell from the sky. The King
and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them
in such a shameful condition.*
*Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the
weatherman at once!*
*Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high
paying role of royal forecaster.*
*The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping,
it means with certainty that it will rain."*
*So the king hired the donkey.*
*And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and
occupy its highest and most influential positions.

One from my Sheila

IRISH CONFESSIONAL
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. To his surprise, he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap and on the other wall a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must say that the confessional box is surely more inviting than I remember it to be as a lad."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
Matt
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paulmack
Posts: 58
Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2012 7:56 pm

GUESS WHO
She whispers in my ear and ask me how my day was, and what I'm doing later
She rubs her fingers through my hair
She does exactly as I say
She runs her breast near my face
She blows me dry before I leave for the day
She always has the time for me
She always lets me sit in my favourite chair
She dresses to impress every day of the week
She cleans up after me and herself




















Shame ..On you perverts

She is my hairdresser
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Bernie R
Posts: 5597
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
Eddy Lloyd
Posts: 3333
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

:) :) :)
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was pledged to someone else...

One day, Johnny went up to her and said 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl said NO.
Johnny said 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called him with the story.
He said 'Ask for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she made the proposal and Johnny accepted.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend was still waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

"The B****** used coins".


Management lesson:


Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and ending getting screwed
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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Making a baby.

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!---

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith...

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and Out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'


Mrs. Smith fainted
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did, he pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'


‘I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.’
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D :D :D graham.
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Thanks a lot guys for keeping this thread going since I've been AWOL :lol: :lol: I didn't think it would still be on the front page :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5645
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A woman in the US has been shot in the foot by her dog, a chocolate Labrador called Trigger.

She has now got rid of the dog and has bought a rabbit.

She is hopeful that by calling it Rampant, they can have a lot of happy times together. :lol: :lol: :lol:




The Archbishop of Canterbury has suggested that Easter should fall on the same Sunday in April every year.

I would narrow it down to the same day every year: April Fools Day. :lol: :lol: :lol:




"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please." :lol: :lol: :lol:




Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.
The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.
"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?" :lol: :lol: :lol:


Image
Cheers Joe.
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