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filsgreen
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Tickle me that, Bernie :D
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Talking of wives? You bring to mind when we bought an old banger for her to drive. She wasn't too pleased but when I said "It will get you from A to B" her compromising reply was "Or maybe even further*. :lol:
Eddy Lloyd
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:) :) :)
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Invicta
Posts: 2749
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2015 6:46 pm
Location: Garden of England

A lad goes in to a shop and asks for an Irish Sausage.
The assistant asks " are you Irish"
The lad takes offence and asks
If I ask for Danish bacon, Am I a Dane
If I ask for Russian Vodka, Am I a Russian
If I ask for German Sausage Am I German
If I ask for English Mustard, Am I English

What makes you ask if I'm Irish?














The assistant replies

You're in Halfords :lol:

I'll get me coat ! K
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Bonesy
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A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."


Keith
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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This thread has caused me to remember real life stuff that happened to me as a copper and before I was 'saved'.

My very first 'job 'in Seaforth as a very raw young bobby was from a woman complaining of being indecently assaulted twice..

She described that the first time she was on her bike when a man came behind her and put his up her clothes and under her knickers. She said she wasn't too bothered as the man next door was always doing that. When it happened again she saw it wasn't the man next door so she complained to the police :roll: .
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Invicta
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Location: Garden of England

Reminded me of the girl who went to the police station to report she'd been flashed.

Girl - He just opened the car door and waved it at me.

Desk sergeant - Did he have an erection ?

Girl - No, I think it was a Ford Escort :oops:

Ken
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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:D :D :D

I thought an erection was a Japanese voting system?? :roll:
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filsgreen
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MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A
NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK
HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY
SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET
CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED
ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY
LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY
CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED
HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BA**ARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH? '
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees....
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis,
NOW hand me dat shovel.

:) :)

Bill
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filsgreen
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Let's keep Joe's jokes going into 2017, with apologies to Irish Catholics :D

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman . "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now that's sad," says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."
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filsgreen
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who"

Cabbie: Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan ; every single time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody".

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan". He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could have played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special".

Cabbie: "There's more". He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then.

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams".
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.

Passenger: "An amazing fellow How did you meet him".


Cabbie: "Well, I actually never met Brian".
He died. I'm married to his widow."
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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Here are a few old jokes which will bring a chuckle if you haven't heard them before.

What I can't understand is why, at 82, I am the only one of my age who isn't really old? :roll: :roll: :roll:
..........................................................................................................................................................................................

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down, she says.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'
.................................................................................................................................................................

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

.......................................................................................................................................................................
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, and who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

........................................................................................................................................................................

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
..........................................................................................................................................................................

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me two thousand quid, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really?' said the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

........................................................................................................................................................................
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
..........................................................................................................................................................................

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

......................................................................................................................................................................

Just one more oldie.......

A young nurse was dealing with a man with a breathing problem.
He asked "Nurse. Are my testicles black"

She explained that she wasn't qualified deal with that type of problem but he was insistent and repeated the question.
She eventually and reluctantly got hold of his testicles and examined them closely and said "No sir. Your testicles are in good order"..

He took off his facemask and said " That was really nice and I appreciate it, but, "ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK". >









































=
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filsgreen
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,

Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're a bloody jinx....
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Bernie R
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Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,
'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,
'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,
'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?''Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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A dying jewish guy had his son at his bedside and, towards his end, the son asked him where the money was.

Being very weak the father was unable to talk but slowly turned in his bed and pointed two fingers to the floor.

The son shifted the bed BUT even after franticly lifting the floor boards failed to find the money.

Over the next few weeks the father had a miraculous recovery and was sat up in bed the next time his son visited,

The son asked him why the money wasn't where he had pointed and the father said " I was too week to point my two fingers upwards".
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filsgreen
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money:
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season tickets.
HE paid for our house on the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabby replies, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!
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Bernie R
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Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied:
"Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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This is a classic and apologies if it has been here before.

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.
USER:
cabbage

WINDOWS: The Password must be at least 8 characters.
USER:
boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry,
the password must contain 1 numerical
character.
USER:
1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry,
the password cannot have blank spaces

USER:
50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry,
the password must contain at least one upper case
character
USER:
50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case
character consecutively.
USER:
50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS:
Sorry,
the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS:
Sorry, that password is already in use






































 


           



















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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
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Bernie R
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Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

The Missus wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live on her birthday so I got her sister pregnant and we're on the show next week!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

I was talking to a guy who was fishing last week and was using liquorice as bait.
I asked him what he caught with it and he said............all sorts.

Bill
Bill fawcett
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Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below and says " I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."


Melania says "Oh, honey why not throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make 10 Americans happy?"


So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 people happy?"


To which the pilot says "Why don't you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?

Bill
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filsgreen
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Few good ones there, thanks lads.
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Bernie R
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Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Here is one that Alan may agree with. Hopefully Matt is still reading the forum, no offence intended, mate :D


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For 67 years."

"67 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally “I pray that everyone will be happy”.

"How do you feel after doing this for 67 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f***ing brick wall!"
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Come on Joe; I'm running out of jokes here, start posting again please. :)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
Vacuum Cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
So I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
”Bugger that” says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go Blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people
in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday,
But it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says:
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy:
"What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Felt a little frisky when I went to bed last night so reached into my bedside locker in the dark. Instead of locating the liquid Viagra prescribed to me I picked up a bottle of Tip-Ex instead. Ended up with a huge correction.
bjones
Posts: 4035
Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 1:22 pm

Phil, you've just made me spit me tea out! :lol:
Bee

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.
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filsgreen
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Image
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

One for the pop music fans...

I bet on 3 horses yesterday: Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times.
Not one winner.
I blame it on the bookie.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

In the men's room at work, the boss places a sign directly above the sink. It has a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day he returns and finds a sign right below it, next to the soap dispenser. On it someone has carefully written another sign, which reads: "Thoap!"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Some funnies, to keep Joe's topic going.

Some interesting facts for you:

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of a penis is two to three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink 2 times as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

A woman has read this entire text.

A man is still looking at his thumb.

Musings of some well-known people

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt


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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
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User avatar
Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A Roman walks into a bar, holds 2 fingers up and says, "Five beers please".
When he's finished the beers he tells the barman, "I want a Martinus"
The barman says, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
The Roman says, "If I wanted two I'd have asked for them!"
The barman crosses his arms and says, "That'll be £10!"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
User avatar
Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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