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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A guy goes into a Scottish baker's...
"How much is that cake?"
"A poond."
"And how much is that one?"
"A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!"
"Oh, OK. What about that one?"
"Ach, that one's two poonds."
"Oh. Why's that then?"
"That's Madeira cake."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Actual call centre messages

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

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Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.

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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too XXXXXXg stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.


"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair. "
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

THE LOVE DRESS


A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
Walked in. She was shocked to see her
Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
Perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.'
The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress,
He instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
Undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
Dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
On the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
And saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'It needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

I started a new job today in the planetarium - things are looking up!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A bloke goes to his doctors because he's got a lettuce stuck up his ar$e, doc tries to get it out, pulling, tugging, trying to yank it out, the bloke's screaming in agony and yells, "Is that it, have you got it out?" Doc says, "No, that's just the tip of the iceberg."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
Sheelagh Tequila
Posts: 1203
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2010 11:17 pm
Location: Formby

Bernie.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sheelagh :D
bjones
Posts: 4035
Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 1:22 pm

:cry: :cry: :cry:
Oh dear Bernie I wish there was a "head shaking" emoticon :lol:
Bee

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

If you spell out the name of Man Utd 'star player' Paul Pogba backwards you get abgopluap which makes no sense at all - pretty much the same as the £89 miliion they paid for him!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.
' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."
Eddy Lloyd
Posts: 3333
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

:D :D :D :D
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It is," sighed the Sister, "and I went golfing with my brother. We try to golf as often as we can. You know, before I devoted my life to Christ, I was quite a talented golfer."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee, and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior. A 540 yard Par 5, elevated tee box, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green, and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made."

"And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted. . . and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother Superior, "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, a squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister, "and I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether or not this was a sign from God, an eagle swooped down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel and flew off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So, that's when you cursed," said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

"No, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished. "Just as the eagle started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling; the eagle dropped him right there on the green and the ball popped out of his paws and it rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said: "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
Shelagh
Posts: 1873
Joined: Sun Apr 05, 2015 4:40 pm

Bernie..you're a tonic.... just had a good laugh at that one :lol: :lol:
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

There has been a survey on how people walk home from the pub.
The results are staggering.

Bill
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'Allo, Allo, Allo, What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'Ta be shure, O'im making love to me missus,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green ...'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at the Telstra-Clear call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to the bugger
I know I have.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag.."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Don't know whether this has been posted before, just trying to keep the thread going. There is more tumbleweed on this Forum than Dodge City at the moment :(

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

WHISKY ???

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The sweet shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy."
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie .
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going, you Dickhead!
Now we're going to have to pi$$ in the boat."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Bonesy
Posts: 3454
Joined: Mon Dec 29, 2008 2:05 pm
Location: Lydiate

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon”. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. I’ve come to……”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”.
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too ….you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, my, that’s a lot of …” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
“This was done on the top of a bus.”
“Oh my god!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your um…equipment ?”
“That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod??
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?…..Good Lord, she’s fainted!!


Keith
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

More kids stories.


A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's

Name?" One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name
was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

***********

3-year-old Charley:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm Having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
The way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy
Replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian
Home, and I wanted to stay with you. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's
Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to
The end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
Church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One Bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old child and her four-year-old brother were sitting
Together in church. The brother giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" he asked.
She pointed to the back of the church and said,

"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
Seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
Six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

A World Health Organization (based in Geneva, Switzerland) study shows that eating ham and salami while drinking a glass of good wine at each meal reduces the risk of becoming an Islamic Terrorist by exactly 100%.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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DELETED.
Last edited by Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) on Wed Nov 30, 2016 8:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

U R O L O G I S T S . . . . . .

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99".

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great",now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says,'99'."

The doctor said, "Very good".

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say,'99'.

The old begins,



"One...



two.



three."
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Here are a few observations to keep Joes topic going.


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little ba*tard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap high fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--BillyConnolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
______________________________ ______

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
______________________________ ______
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.______________________________ ______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________ ____
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________ _________
______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
______________________________ _____
Kathy John Moorcroft
Posts: 3119
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2006 5:42 am
Location: New South Wales, Australia

Some good ones there guys. :lol:

But where is Joe. ??

Kathy.
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Think i may have posted this earlier in the thread but it came up on Facebook and it's worth a nother airing...

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

A motorist called into a London Bridewell to report a traffic accident he had the previous day in Newcastle.

He was asked if he had the name of the other driver.

"No" he said "But I got the name of his solicitor. It was ACH AWAY AND FECKMAN"

.....................................................................................................................................................

Did you hear the one about the Jewish lad who was also there to report that someone had nicked his pullover. :roll:

.....................................................................................................................................................
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her night dress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

As patrons were shopping at the mall around Christmas, Bill and Fred heard a commotion coming from the area where Santa greets the children. "What do you suppose is going on?" asked Bill.

A nearby shopper told them that the new Santa Clause, an eccentric old fellow, had attached dozens of clocks, watches, and other various timepieces onto his big wide belt, circling his whole body.

"Let's go see him," said Fred. "He sounds like a nut, but it's worth checking out."

"Naw, I'm not interested," replied Bill.

"Why don't you want to see Santa with a bunch of clocks tied around his midriff?"

"I'll tell you why. It's a waist of time!"

'Taxi'
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbours' smoke alarm!.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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