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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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Lyle was hunting geese up in the Northern Minnesota. He leaned the old 16-gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his dog knocked the gun over, it discharged and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 bird shot in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven.
" 'Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da' good noos is dat you’re going to be OK. Da' damage vas local to your groin, 'dere was very little internal damage, and I 'vas able to remove all of da' buckshot.

"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.

" 'Da bad noos is 'dat 'dere 'vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm gonna' have to refer you to my sister, Lena.

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon or what?"

"Not exactly," Dr. Sven says. "She's a flute player in da' Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole,”

she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.” :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?" :lol: :lol: :lol:





Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.
He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!!


Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a new golf hat!" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

My missus turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today. After a few moments of staring at the blank screen,
I thought to myself, "That's not on". :lol: :lol: :lol:


I was leaning over a wall in complete agony.
A lady was passing by and I asked if she could help by administering my medication.
Sure I will help she said but wasn't so pleased when I handed her my haemorrhoid cream. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Lil Johnny was in science class where the teacher was teaching the children about the planets.

After the lesson was over, the teacher asked the children to name a planet & use the name of the planet in a sentence.

The teacher saw Mary raise her hand & Mary replies; "My planet is Mars & my sentence is; Mars is known as the red planet."

The teacher then saw Thomas & Thomas replied; "My planet Saturn & my sentence is; Saturn has many rings around it."

The teacher then saw Lil Johnny & Lil Johnny replied;

"My planet is Uranus & my sentence is; If you don't wipe Uranus clean, you'll get a rash!" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others! :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Due to the lack of jokes and response, I won’t be posting on this thread for a while, thanks for all your support, and the jokes that you have posted on here over the past two years, if you have any jokes please feel free to post them on here if you wish. :wink: :)

Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Hey Joe ( could make a song out of that) don't stop posting your jokes mate, your time and effort is appreciated. I'm sure we all read them more often than not, maybe we should all make more of an effort to acknowledge your jokes.
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Mack
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Hi Joe,

Just giving your thread a gentle bump up to let you know we all really appreciate the work you do regarding "Joes Jokes".

Mack :D :D :D
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up for an interview.
One is a retired golfer in his sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the other applicant and asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Bernie R
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Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

A Manc and a Scouser go to a Baker’s shop.
The Manc whisks three biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.
The Manc says to the Scouser: You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!
The Scouser says to the Manc: Watch this, a Scouser is always cleverer than a Manc.
He says to the baker, give me a biscuit, I can show you a magic trick!
The baker gives him the biscuit which the Scouser promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:
Give me another biscuit for my magic trick. The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: Give me one more biscuit... The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.
The Scouser eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: And where is your famous magic trick?
The Scouser says: Look in the Manc’s pocket
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
Eddy Lloyd
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Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 4:04 pm
Location: Waterloo

Some great jokes folks keep them coming :) :)
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with..'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away..'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

My wife accused me of having an affair with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

How could she say that?
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

What Starts With "F"
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her more precocious students.

The teacher asked, 'Harry, what exactly is your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.Brooks finally had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.


Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9..'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,

'Y’know I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, 'Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions..'

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets..’ to the Principal’s great relief…..


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'


Harry: 'Pants.'


By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open..

Ms.. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question……


Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher,

​"​

Put the little ba****rd in 5th-Grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

​ ​

myself​ ...."

.
EdMcDonald
Posts: 1281
Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2008 4:09 pm
Location: Sherwood Park Alberta Canada

filsgreen wrote:My wife accused me of having an affair with a girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

How could she say that?
Betcha the Prince of Wales can't even say that. :lol:
Home of the "Edmonton Oilers" Future Stanley Cup Champions. :D
A long way from Duncan B.C. :wink:
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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In Liverpool recently I saw a sign for a faith healer in a shop doorway.

It was £5 a session and, being something of a sceptic, I was curious to see what it was all about. I entered a small semi darkened room and sat at a table. After a while the healer came into the room and sat opposite me, taking my hands in his.

He said nothing.

After what seemed an age he released my hands, stood up and said in a low whisper: "You will walk today."


I told him I wasn't paralysed, but I did sometimes suffer from a mild cramp.


He got up, left the table, then turned and said, quite firmly, "You will walk today."

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

He stared deep into my eyes and, repeating his statement quite sternly this time, took his money and left the room.

The session was clearly over so I followed almost immediately.

I stepped outside the doorway into the welcoming daylight--- and, would you believe it,---






MY CAR HAD GONE !!!
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What can I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?'
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
----------------------------------
I went to this discussion group on premature ejaculation.
In fact, I was five minutes early, but it was all over.
-----------------------------------
Old proverb:
Girls who look for trouble often get a belly full
-------------------------------------
Wise old saying:
Girls who use their heads can stop the population explosion.
-------------------------------------
Old saying:
May your organ never fail while you are halfway through your favourite piece.
--------------------------------------
What do you get if you merge Xerox with Wurlitzer?
A company that makes reproductive organs.
---------------------------------------
What is the definition of a real friend?
One who goes into town and gets two blow jobs,then comes back and gives one to you.
---------------------------------------
What's the similarity between women's breasts and train sets?
They were both intended for kids but it's the dads who keep playing with them.
------------------------------------------
Do you know the definition of a hen-pecked man?
One who is sterile but daren't tell his pregnant wife.
----------------------------------------------
What does an ugly girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her legs
------------------------------------------
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Bill
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in London. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

One for Bernie :D

A bloke goes into his local council office looking for a job

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."... The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away.Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am
and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our bo**ocks.

There's no point in you coming in before ten!
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Thanks Phil

Nicking that for Facebook! :wink:

:lol: :lol:
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,"Some old ******* outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had
followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added,
"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier,

we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir,"the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand?"the manager asked.

The boy said,"Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager,"My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

The answer is found below. I just know this question has been on your minds for years!


QUESTION: You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

You have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWER:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

5) Am I dressed provocatively?

6) Could I run away?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer a*se
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late-model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said politely, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough, that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."

He asked "How do you know?"

"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.

I told him, yes and handed it to him."

He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore.'

So I thanked him and left!
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his upholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You need more ammo!”
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) wrote:A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his upholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You need more ammo!”
Ernie

Is he a cowboy who like his comfort or did you mean 'unholstered'? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Bern
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

Thanks Bern.

Dead right.

I will email the guy who sent it to me who will
probably email the guy who sent it to him etc etc. and it might even come back to Joe one day :lol:
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Bernie R
Posts: 5598
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Here are a few for funny Friday.

After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know.
She really is as sexy as hell; secondly the staff at Madame Taussauds are miserable ba**ards with no sense of humour!!

Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing back flips, moonwalking, the works.
The other half says, "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down." I replied, “Looks like he’s still celebrating."

A visiting foreigner has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; Police say it's definitely race related...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not the one for him.

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

This one is a bit risqué.






Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the
cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her
panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to Go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned That his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned
the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My
wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
to her ass that said......
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
Bill fawcett
Posts: 1558
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2015 3:27 pm

A man says to his wife "they have brought out a new range of condoms for the Olympic Games, and so I bought some to try. There are three colours, gold, silver and bronze"
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" She asked.
"Gold of course" he replied proudly.
"Why don't you wear silver" she said. "It would be nice if you came second for a change"

:) :) :)

Bill
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
Posts: 1036
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm
Location: Stalybridge Manchester
Contact:

Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman.


A plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence.
Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.

No one moved.

He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer'













































           

















Last edited by Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) on Thu Aug 04, 2016 9:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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filsgreen
Posts: 3392
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Bit of fun here.

Hard to pick a winner here... BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers' ?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is ?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World ?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow ?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name ?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World ?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra ?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon ?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party ?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope ?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one.. Is it Jewish ?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name ?
Contestant:
Goosey ?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ? MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared ?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five ?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman ?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live ?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . .. ..
Contestant:
Er .. ......
Richard:
He makes cakes . .. ..
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world ?
Contestant:
Barcelona..
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .



NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent ?
Contestant:
The Pacific.



ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit ?



THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta ?



JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry ?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three ?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again..
Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last ?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.



DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels ?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible ?
Contestant:
Er... .... ...
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables .. .. . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey ?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:
Walked ?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time ?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.



LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes ?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play ?
Contestant:
Jesus.
elliott
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Sep 16, 2014 10:35 am

hi

must have been listening to billy butlers give me a clue billy.

norman elliott
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