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Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:01 am
by Matt
Hi Joe,great to see you back and still telling those corny jokes :lol: :lol:
Ernie was not about to let YOUR jokes fall off any page.Hope you can get back into the
swing of things as soon as possible.You have been very greatly missed.
Matt

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:34 am
by lily8
Morning Joe it's been a while since I typed that lovely to see you posting again and for your jokes to start the day. Thanks Joe :D :D :D :D :D

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 8:41 am
by filsgreen
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
> After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a
> requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
> The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
> The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?
> To which the rabbi replied: “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
> temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
> The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
> A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it
> still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
> The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
> The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
> of the flesh?”
> The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
> my faith.
> The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about
> five minutes.
> Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:58 pm
by fatboyjoe90
Phil :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:59 pm
by fatboyjoe90
Thank for your kind comments Matt :wink: and Lily :wink:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 8:33 pm
by fatboyjoe90
I was talking to my granddad about magic mushrooms,

"You need to stay well away from those things, " he said, "they're feckin dangerous. "
"
"I didn't know you knew about mushrooms granddad, " I replied.

"Oh yes, you should have seen what they did to Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945, " he answered :lol: :lol: :lol:




At an interview:"Do you have any hobbies?"

"I like painting."

"Very good - what have you painted?"

"The garage." :lol: :lol: :lol:



On my first day working in a factory, the boss came up to me and asked, "How are you getting on?"

I said, "To tell you the truth, I can't believe I'm working in England with all of these different languages. Take that guy over there, for example..."

"That's Pawel," he replied. "He's Polish.

"Okay," I said. "Fair enough. What about that guy over there? What language is he speaking?"

"That's Gabor," he replied. "He's Hungarian."

"Okay," I shrugged. "What about that guy over there, mumbling to himself. What feckin language is he speaking?"

He said, "That's Bob, he's a Geordie." :lol: :lol: :lol:

Image

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 10:06 pm
by filsgreen
:lol: :lol:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:33 am
by Bernie R
Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties
Now he can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes!

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 4:28 pm
by Matt
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half a crown
but it wasn't for carrying water :oops: :lol:
Matt

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 5:20 pm
by Bernie R
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
I don't know what they did up there but now they have a daughter!

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:13 pm
by fatboyjoe90
You’re on form today Bernie, with Jack and Jill. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:14 pm
by fatboyjoe90
The same with Matt. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:56 pm
by Bernie R
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its ar$e
And turned its wool to nylon!

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 11:05 pm
by Matt
Little Miss Muffett sat on her tuffet,eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider and sat own beside her
and she said "bug***r off hairy legs"
Got called into the kindergarden by our daughter Sarah's teacher many years ago(42) and asked not
to teach Sarah any more nursery rhymes :oops: :oops:
Matt

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 11:14 pm
by fatboyjoe90
I give up, with the both of you. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:00 pm
by Matt
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the
Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and
Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because
the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and,
if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good,
the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes),
and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discount.
10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because they had never been there before.
Matt

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:11 pm
by Matt
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have
any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Matt

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:16 pm
by graham01
:D :D :D for both.graham.

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:19 pm
by graham01
:D :D :D for both.graham.

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:54 pm
by fatboyjoe90
I’ll go for both also. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 8:48 pm
by filsgreen
Good ones, Matt :D

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 10:28 pm
by fatboyjoe90
Image :lol: :lol: :lol:
Image

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 4:01 am
by lily8
At Aye Joe don't be unkind to us blondes :cry: :cry: :cry: nah only joshing :lol: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:12 pm
by fatboyjoe90
Thanks Lily, :wink: :D

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Thu Aug 24, 2017 11:16 pm
by fatboyjoe90
Those push-up bras don't work very well do they?

I'm wearing my wife's and I still can't manage more than eight And i am fecked :oops: :lol: :lol:




A guy texts his neighbor:

Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.

The husband, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later he gets a second text:

Bob, I really should use spell check. That should be "wifi"… Sorry! :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:






Daily Mail online: Scientists have created rape-proof pants for women, called AR wear.


My wife's had them for years, called size 42's. :oops: :lol: :lol:



They say a hundred laughs a day is equivalent to 10 minutes of rowing.

Thanks to my wife falling down the stairs, I can now beat Steve Redgrave over 2000 metres. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Image

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 7:49 am
by filsgreen
Some good ones there, Joe :lol: :lol:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 11:54 pm
by fatboyjoe90
Thanks Phil. :wink: :D

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Fri Aug 25, 2017 11:56 pm
by fatboyjoe90
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday.
"Get me something to make me look sexy" she said.
So i got 12 cans of McEwens. :lol: :lol: :lol:




There are four captured spys in a room, a American, a British, a Russian and a Indian.
The American spy turns around to the British spy and says 'so who are you', the British spy then tells him 'im a MI9 agent,'
The British spy then asks the American and he replies 'im a CIA agent', they then turn to the Russian spy and ask him, he then replies 'im a KGB agent' they then all turn round and ask the

Indian and he replies 'im a NEWSAGENT. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 8:36 am
by filsgreen
:D :D

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 4:33 pm
by Matt
:lol: :lol: :lol:
Matt

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 6:09 pm
by Matt
Advertising campaign for Viagra
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs
:oops: :oops: Matt

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 6:20 pm
by Bill fawcett
I bought some viagra, but it was past it's swell by date. :D :D

Bill

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Sat Aug 26, 2017 6:23 pm
by filsgreen
Good ones there, lads :lol:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:47 am
by fatboyjoe90
Thanks for all your jokes and comments guys. :wink: :lol: :lol:

Re: Joes Jokes

Posted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:49 am
by fatboyjoe90
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him, Grampa, what is couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs." :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:




An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, Stranger."
"Howdy, Sheriff."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swing doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em. :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image