Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Aug 25, 2017 6:49 am

Some good ones there, Joe :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:54 pm

Thanks Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Aug 25, 2017 10:56 pm

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday.
"Get me something to make me look sexy" she said.
So i got 12 cans of McEwens. :lol: :lol: :lol:




There are four captured spys in a room, a American, a British, a Russian and a Indian.
The American spy turns around to the British spy and says 'so who are you', the British spy then tells him 'im a MI9 agent,'
The British spy then asks the American and he replies 'im a CIA agent', they then turn to the Russian spy and ask him, he then replies 'im a KGB agent' they then all turn round and ask the

Indian and he replies 'im a NEWSAGENT. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Aug 26, 2017 7:36 am

:D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Sat Aug 26, 2017 3:33 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Sat Aug 26, 2017 5:09 pm

Advertising campaign for Viagra
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs
:oops: :oops: Matt
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Sat Aug 26, 2017 5:20 pm

I bought some viagra, but it was past it's swell by date. :D :D

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Aug 26, 2017 5:23 pm

Good ones there, lads :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Aug 27, 2017 11:47 pm

Thanks for all your jokes and comments guys. :wink: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Aug 27, 2017 11:49 pm

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him, Grampa, what is couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs." :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol:




An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, Stranger."
"Howdy, Sheriff."
The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swing doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em. :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby lynne99 » Mon Aug 28, 2017 7:42 am

JOE :oops: What a start to a wonderful bank holiday. Have a good one.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Aug 28, 2017 9:51 pm

Thanks for that Lynne. :wink: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Aug 29, 2017 5:34 am

What do you find them, Joe? :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Sep 02, 2017 12:24 am

Thanks Phil, you know i can't tell you. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Sep 02, 2017 12:33 am

My grandmother died in the 80's but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.
The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 50 pence’s she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway.
Her soothing hands when I would get hurt.
But the thing I remember most was her advice.
Once when I was about 13, we were sitting in the park enjoying a cookie and a Coke.
She told me that one day I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.
"Always remember this, she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small fingers & hands."
"How come, Grandma?"
She smiled and said gently, "Makes your Willy look bigger."Grandma was special! :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Sep 02, 2017 12:38 am

Just a thought but I was wondering if the receptionist at the sperm bank has ever used the phrase.

"Thanks for coming" :lol: :lol: :lol:


How to answer your phone.....
Hello, City Crematorium, You kill em, we grill em.... How can I help?

How To Answer Your Phone...
Bristol Sperm Bank, You Spank It, We Bank It....... How Can I Help?

How To Answer Your Phone...
Carol's Circumcision Clinic, You Flop It, We Chop It... How Can I Help?

How To Answer Your Phone...
Bob's Orphanage, You Make Um, We Take Um... How Can I Help? :lol: :lol: :lol:


WHAT A BUMMER

I was sitting down in a bar last night and noticed a table a girls were frequently looking over at me and smiling. I started smiling back and then built up the courage to give a quick wave to them.
I then walked to the bar to get myself another drink. I started to walk back to my table full of confidence with the attention I had been getting. That was shot to shreds when I saw that there was a TV on the wall above my chair. :D :D :D Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Sat Sep 02, 2017 1:45 pm

An old one always worth another chuckle...

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ar$e that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Sep 02, 2017 2:54 pm

:lol: Couple of good ones there, lads. Thanks for posting.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Sep 02, 2017 10:48 pm

Bernie :D :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Sep 02, 2017 10:49 pm

Thanks for that Phil. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Sep 02, 2017 11:10 pm

The wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.

To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.

I do care for her you know :D :D :D





I saw an elderly lady getting jumped by a group of boys the other day, so obviously i tried to help.
She put up a good fight but just before we got the purse she got me with a clean left hook and
I’ve been in the hospital for the last 2 days. :lol: :lol: :lol:




My eldest daughter told me she wanted to take up modelling

So I bought her a bag of plasticine. :D :D :D




One time this blonde girl was at a vending machine.
She would stick a quarter in, push the button, and a soda would come out and she would put it on the top.
She did this a few more times before a man asked why she kept doing this, and she said,
"Because I'm winning. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Mon Sep 04, 2017 5:05 am

Joe :) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Sep 06, 2017 9:18 am

A woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound boy.
Doctors say they expect the kid to be walking 6 months before his mother!!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Sep 07, 2017 1:09 am

Bernie. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Sep 07, 2017 1:13 am

I've worked out that if I leave a note on my wife's pillow, I am more likely to get sex that night.

But the kind of sex I get depends on whether I leave a £20 or a £50.:lol: :lol: :lol:



Sharing fantasies with your partner is a bad idea.

Last night my wife suggested we tell each other our deepest fantasies, which led to a huge fight.

She said to me, "I'd love to tie you up, whip you and pour hot candle wax on you".

I then whispered in her ear, "I've always wanted a ".Samsung 52” T V somehow she is not speaking to me!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:





My wife used to punch me in the face every time she had an orgasm during sex,

sometimes she would orgasm three or four times.

I didn't mind so much until,
I found out she was faking them :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Sep 10, 2017 9:00 pm

A couple made a deal that whoever died first
would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to
go, and true to his word he made contact,
"Judy. Judy."
"Is that you, Fred?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"What's it like?"
Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe
in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch,
another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty
much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again.
Then have sex until late at night. The next day it
starts again."
"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." :lol: :lol: :lol:


"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit called Bugs on a golf course in New Zealand."Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Mon Sep 11, 2017 8:48 am

I'm in hospital having been poisoned folks, I thought I was eating an onion bulb but it turned out to be a daffodil bulb. Don't worry folks I'll be out by Spring. :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Mon Sep 11, 2017 6:31 pm

You are Just as nutty as Joe Eddy :lol: :lol:
Got a wonderful birthday card last week which made me think of you Joe(and now Eddy)
It was about 4 pages long with about 50 of Tommy Coopers "one liners".Magic.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Tue Sep 12, 2017 10:54 am

Matt :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Sep 12, 2017 4:49 pm

Eddy. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Matt, :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Sep 14, 2017 11:21 pm

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts.

The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little
this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies. "Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway,

licking his balls and I backed over him with the car." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Sep 15, 2017 8:11 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Fri Sep 15, 2017 11:29 am

:D :D :D graham.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:18 pm

Thanks for your replies Graham and Phil. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Sep 18, 2017 11:24 pm

My wife shouted, "I've had it up to here with you!" putting her hand 2 inches over her head, before storming out the door.

I just laughed.

It's hard to take her seriously though, she's a dwarf. :oops: :D :D :D



My daughter rang me earlier.

"Dad," she screamed. "Mum's collapsed and she's struggling to breathe! I think she's dying."

"Have you called an ambulance?" I panted.

"No, not yet," she cried.

"Right, get on that phone," I said. "And book the crematorium for Friday." :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:



I was just walking through customs when I was stopped by security.

They asked, "Do you mind if we search your bag?"

I said, "Not at all, she should be along shortly, she's just nipped to the toilet." :oops: :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:





My wife and I were discussing what song we each would like played at our funerals.

"I want something memorable," she said, "something that will bring everyone close together"

"I know what you mean" I said softly as I made my way to the CD player, "something like this?"

Well, the bloody look she gave me as I bounced around to the conga was proper evil. :lol: :lol: :lol:



The hospital called me to tell me that my wife was showing early signs of emerging from her year long coma.

"Some music might be useful," the doctor suggested.

"I was just thinking that," I nodded. "I'll get a CD of lullabies this afternoon." :lol: :lol: :lol:



As I bent over and the nurse applied the cream, she asked "how on earth did this happen? What the hell were you doing?"

I replied, "....well, I met this guy in the pub and found him rather attractive....."

"Whoaaa," she said. "Too much inflammation." :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol:



My wife came in whiles I was watching TV and demanded she be able to watch Embarrassing Bodies.

So I bought her a mirror. :lol: :lol: :lol:


Wife: What would you do if I died?
Man: I would go crazy
Wife: Would you re-marry?
Man: Not that crazy... :D :D :D Image
Cheers Joe.
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