Joes Jokes

Join in here with our very own Bootle Chatterbox...

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Feb 19, 2017 4:39 pm

Here is one that Alan may agree with. Hopefully Matt is still reading the forum, no offence intended, mate :D


A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.


So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For 67 years."

"67 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally “I pray that everyone will be happy”.

"How do you feel after doing this for 67 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f***ing brick wall!"
filsgreen
 
Posts: 1495
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Feb 24, 2017 11:44 pm

Come on Joe; I'm running out of jokes here, start posting again please. :)

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
Vacuum Cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin.
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday,
So I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
Can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
”Bugger that” says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go Blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people
in the botty in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday,
But it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says:
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy:
"What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"
filsgreen
 
Posts: 1495
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Feb 25, 2017 9:51 am

Felt a little frisky when I went to bed last night so reached into my bedside locker in the dark. Instead of locating the liquid Viagra prescribed to me I picked up a bottle of Tip-Ex instead. Ended up with a huge correction.
filsgreen
 
Posts: 1495
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby bjones » Sat Feb 25, 2017 9:57 am

Phil, you've just made me spit me tea out! :lol:
Bee

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.
User avatar
bjones
 
Posts: 4809
Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2010 2:22 pm

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Mon Feb 27, 2017 12:08 pm

Image
filsgreen
 
Posts: 1495
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Feb 28, 2017 9:55 am

One for the pop music fans...

I bet on 3 horses yesterday: Sunshine, Moonlight & Good Times.
Not one winner.
I blame it on the bookie.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
User avatar
Bernie R
 
Posts: 4891
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:30 am
Location: Netherton

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Thu Mar 02, 2017 10:45 am

In the men's room at work, the boss places a sign directly above the sink. It has a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day he returns and finds a sign right below it, next to the soap dispenser. On it someone has carefully written another sign, which reads: "Thoap!"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
User avatar
Bernie R
 
Posts: 4891
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:30 am
Location: Netherton

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Mar 21, 2017 9:55 am

Some funnies, to keep Joe's topic going.

Some interesting facts for you:

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3kg.

The length of a penis is two to three times the length of the thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink 2 times as much as men.

We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.

A woman has read this entire text.

A man is still looking at his thumb.

Musings of some well-known people

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt


<><>

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
<><>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
filsgreen
 
Posts: 1495
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Mar 21, 2017 1:18 pm

A Roman walks into a bar, holds 2 fingers up and says, "Five beers please".
When he's finished the beers he tells the barman, "I want a Martinus"
The barman says, "Don't you mean a Martini?"
The Roman says, "If I wanted two I'd have asked for them!"
The barman crosses his arms and says, "That'll be £10!"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
User avatar
Bernie R
 
Posts: 4891
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:30 am
Location: Netherton

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Mar 27, 2017 10:56 am

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
User avatar
Bernie R
 
Posts: 4891
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:30 am
Location: Netherton

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Apr 05, 2017 2:47 pm

I got this off my uncle who is in his 70's. We've got to keep Joe's topic going, until he starts posting again.

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, asking why I didn't do something
useful with my time.

"So sitting by the fire and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Her talking about my "doing something-useful" seems to be her
favourite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down
to the local and have a couple of pints with the lads, so I did this
and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachuting Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 75 years old and now you're going
to start jumping out of aeroplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, dad, where are
your glasses? This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a
Parachute Club."

"Oh no! I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to
do. I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that
my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it
can be ever so much fun .
filsgreen
 
Posts: 1495
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Apr 06, 2017 7:30 pm

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
(THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT)
filsgreen
 
Posts: 1495
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Apr 26, 2017 10:13 am

A couple was lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, "Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years."

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,"My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit ?'

She replied, "No, I don't think you understand. My name was Brian and I played Rugby for the All Blacks..."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
User avatar
Bernie R
 
Posts: 4891
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:30 am
Location: Netherton

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Apr 26, 2017 2:04 pm

Like it, Bernie. We've got to keep Joe's topic going until he starts posting again.
filsgreen
 
Posts: 1495
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed May 24, 2017 2:16 pm

THESE ARE PEARLS OF WISDOM YOU MAY DO WELL TO REMEMBER.

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man
who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
filsgreen
 
Posts: 1495
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Tue May 30, 2017 11:56 am

Aye!! A Proud Man To Be Sure!!


A Glasgow man phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.

“£85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied .

"£85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock off £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, huv yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"
User avatar
Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
 
Posts: 918
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby philrob » Tue May 30, 2017 3:28 pm

"It's no use - I cannot take it any more. I'm going back to my Mum's place!" she cried.

"Nothing is working in this house, including you!"

I opened the fridge, the light came on
The beer was cold,
What the hell is she talking about?
__________________________________________

I have finally discovered what I want to be as I get older.
Younger!
__________________________________________

In wine, there is wisdom
In beer, there is strength.
In water, there is bacteria!
You decide.
Philrob

Western Australia
philrob
 
Posts: 602
Joined: Mon Nov 09, 2009 3:04 pm
Location: Western Australia

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Jun 04, 2017 9:52 am

The triumph of age and experience:

A farmer took his truck into a garage for its annual MOT and found there was some extra work so decided to leave it and collect it later.

On the way home he stopped at B&Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the poultry shop and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his shopping home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get back to 72 Field Lane ? The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this jigger. You'll be home in no time".

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the jigger you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, Bloody hell lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.
User avatar
Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
 
Posts: 918
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Jun 11, 2017 10:24 am

Pinched of FB :D


Image
filsgreen
 
Posts: 1495
Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:28 am

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Sun Jun 11, 2017 4:39 pm

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
User avatar
Bernie R
 
Posts: 4891
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:30 am
Location: Netherton

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Fri Jun 16, 2017 8:50 am

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition.
Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but she's not out of the woods yet.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
User avatar
Bernie R
 
Posts: 4891
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:30 am
Location: Netherton

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Jun 19, 2017 9:01 am

Here's an old one that came up on my FB memories this morning...


A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes Audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would yYou give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: --Silence --

HUSBAND: "$hit !!!"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
User avatar
Bernie R
 
Posts: 4891
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:30 am
Location: Netherton

Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Jun 22, 2017 10:56 am

Two American golfers are waiting on the first tee when one pulls out a twelve inch BIC cigarette lighter and lit his cigar. His mate is curious and asked him wherever did he manage to get such a long cigarette lighter.

Reply "I got it off my genie".

"Where is your genie"

Reply "In my golf bag".

On looking in his mates golf bag he saw that, sure enough, the genie was visible.

He said " You gave my best mate a really unusual twelve inch Bic so can you grant me a single wish for anything I want".

"No problem" said the genie. " What would you like",

Answer " I would really like million bucks"

The sky suddenly clouded over and it got very dark before he saw the sun shining through a break in the clouds. It was filled by flying ducks.
He looked at his mate an d asked what was going on.

Reply " DO YOU REALLY THINK I ASKED FOR A TWELVE INCH BIC".
User avatar
Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
 
Posts: 918
Joined: Mon May 21, 2007 4:25 pm

Previous

Return to Chat about anything with the Bootle Bucks

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest