Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Nov 20, 2016 11:50 pm

A World Health Organization (based in Geneva, Switzerland) study shows that eating ham and salami while drinking a glass of good wine at each meal reduces the risk of becoming an Islamic Terrorist by exactly 100%.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Nov 24, 2016 11:15 am

DELETED.
Last edited by Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) on Wed Nov 30, 2016 9:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Nov 24, 2016 11:15 am

U R O L O G I S T S . . . . . .

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99".

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great",now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says,'99'."

The doctor said, "Very good".

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say,'99'.

The old begins,



"One...



two.



three."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Nov 25, 2016 7:36 pm

Here are a few observations to keep Joes topic going.


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little ba*tard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap high fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--BillyConnolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
______________________________ ______

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
______________________________ ______
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.______________________________ ______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________ ____
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________ _________
______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
______________________________ _____
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Kathy John Moorcroft » Wed Nov 30, 2016 7:18 am

Some good ones there guys. :lol:

But where is Joe. ??

Kathy.
KATHY, Born in Litherland, lived in Bootle, now in Australia.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Nov 30, 2016 12:05 pm

Think i may have posted this earlier in the thread but it came up on Facebook and it's worth a nother airing...

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Mon Dec 05, 2016 7:57 pm

A motorist called into a London Bridewell to report a traffic accident he had the previous day in Newcastle.

He was asked if he had the name of the other driver.

"No" he said "But I got the name of his solicitor. It was ACH AWAY AND FECKMAN"

.....................................................................................................................................................

Did you hear the one about the Jewish lad who was also there to report that someone had nicked his pullover. :roll:

.....................................................................................................................................................
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Dec 06, 2016 12:19 pm

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her night dress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Wed Dec 07, 2016 5:26 pm

As patrons were shopping at the mall around Christmas, Bill and Fred heard a commotion coming from the area where Santa greets the children. "What do you suppose is going on?" asked Bill.

A nearby shopper told them that the new Santa Clause, an eccentric old fellow, had attached dozens of clocks, watches, and other various timepieces onto his big wide belt, circling his whole body.

"Let's go see him," said Fred. "He sounds like a nut, but it's worth checking out."

"Naw, I'm not interested," replied Bill.

"Why don't you want to see Santa with a bunch of clocks tied around his midriff?"

"I'll tell you why. It's a waist of time!"

'Taxi'
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Dec 13, 2016 10:43 am

Congratulations to my wife who reached a new culinary milestone today by setting off the neighbours' smoke alarm!.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Dec 13, 2016 10:56 am

Tickle me that, Bernie :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Tue Dec 13, 2016 8:50 pm

Talking of wives? You bring to mind when we bought an old banger for her to drive. She wasn't too pleased but when I said "It will get you from A to B" her compromising reply was "Or maybe even further*. :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Wed Dec 14, 2016 8:36 am

:) :) :)
Eddy Lloyd Knowsley Road, Irlam Road.
Now in Waterloo
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Invicta » Wed Dec 14, 2016 12:10 pm

A lad goes in to a shop and asks for an Irish Sausage.
The assistant asks " are you Irish"
The lad takes offence and asks
If I ask for Danish bacon, Am I a Dane
If I ask for Russian Vodka, Am I a Russian
If I ask for German Sausage Am I German
If I ask for English Mustard, Am I English

What makes you ask if I'm Irish?














The assistant replies

You're in Halfords :lol:

I'll get me coat ! K
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bonesy » Wed Dec 14, 2016 12:25 pm

Imageimage hosting gif

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".

After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."


Keith
SO MANY PEOPLE, MY FAMILY OF FRIENDS
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Dec 14, 2016 3:19 pm

This thread has caused me to remember real life stuff that happened to me as a copper and before I was 'saved'.

My very first 'job 'in Seaforth as a very raw young bobby was from a woman complaining of being indecently assaulted twice..

She described that the first time she was on her bike when a man came behind her and put his up her clothes and under her knickers. She said she wasn't too bothered as the man next door was always doing that. When it happened again she saw it wasn't the man next door so she complained to the police :roll: .
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Invicta » Wed Dec 14, 2016 3:35 pm

Reminded me of the girl who went to the police station to report she'd been flashed.

Girl - He just opened the car door and waved it at me.

Desk sergeant - Did he have an erection ?

Girl - No, I think it was a Ford Escort :oops:

Ken
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Dec 14, 2016 3:42 pm

:D :D :D

I thought an erection was a Japanese voting system?? :roll:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Dec 21, 2016 10:08 am

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE
WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A
NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,
WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK
HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY
SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET
CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED
ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY
LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY
CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED
HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BA**ARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH? '
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Thu Dec 22, 2016 9:33 pm

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees....
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
'Aye 'tis,
NOW hand me dat shovel.

:) :)

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Dec 31, 2016 10:20 pm

Let's keep Joe's jokes going into 2017, with apologies to Irish Catholics :D

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman . "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are!" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now that's sad," says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Jan 05, 2017 10:32 am

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who"

Cabbie: Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan ; every single time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody".

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan". He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
He could have played golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special".

Cabbie: "There's more". He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then.

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams".
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.

Passenger: "An amazing fellow How did you meet him".


Cabbie: "Well, I actually never met Brian".
He died. I'm married to his widow."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Fri Jan 06, 2017 1:40 pm

Here are a few old jokes which will bring a chuckle if you haven't heard them before.

What I can't understand is why, at 82, I am the only one of my age who isn't really old? :roll: :roll: :roll:
..........................................................................................................................................................................................

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down, she says.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'
.................................................................................................................................................................

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

.......................................................................................................................................................................
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, and who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

........................................................................................................................................................................

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
..........................................................................................................................................................................

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me two thousand quid, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really?' said the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

........................................................................................................................................................................
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
..........................................................................................................................................................................

One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

......................................................................................................................................................................

Just one more oldie.......

A young nurse was dealing with a man with a breathing problem.
He asked "Nurse. Are my testicles black"

She explained that she wasn't qualified deal with that type of problem but he was insistent and repeated the question.
She eventually and reluctantly got hold of his testicles and examined them closely and said "No sir. Your testicles are in good order"..

He took off his facemask and said " That was really nice and I appreciate it, but, "ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK". >









































=
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Jan 17, 2017 12:47 am

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,

Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're a bloody jinx....
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Jan 18, 2017 10:52 am

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.
Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,
'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,
'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,
'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?''Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Jan 18, 2017 3:08 pm

A dying jewish guy had his son at his bedside and, towards his end, the son asked him where the money was.

Being very weak the father was unable to talk but slowly turned in his bed and pointed two fingers to the floor.

The son shifted the bed BUT even after franticly lifting the floor boards failed to find the money.

Over the next few weeks the father had a miraculous recovery and was sat up in bed the next time his son visited,

The son asked him why the money wasn't where he had pointed and the father said " I was too week to point my two fingers upwards".
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Mon Jan 23, 2017 6:22 pm

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money:
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your football season tickets.
HE paid for our house on the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabby replies, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Jan 24, 2017 11:19 am

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied:
"Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Tue Jan 24, 2017 4:19 pm

This is a classic and apologies if it has been here before.

SENIOR TRYING TO SET PASSWORD

WINDOWS:
Please enter your new password.
USER:
cabbage

WINDOWS: The Password must be at least 8 characters.
USER:
boiled cabbage
WINDOWS:
Sorry,
the password must contain 1 numerical
character.
USER:
1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS:
Sorry,
the password cannot have blank spaces

USER:
50damnboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry,
the password must contain at least one upper case
character
USER:
50DAMNboiledcabbages

WINDOWS:
Sorry the password cannot use more than one upper case
character consecutively.
USER:
50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS:
Sorry,
the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS:
Sorry, that password is already in use






































 


           



















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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
 
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Mon Feb 06, 2017 11:01 am

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....
#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Feb 08, 2017 10:16 am

The Missus wanted to see Jeremy Kyle live on her birthday so I got her sister pregnant and we're on the show next week!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Wed Feb 08, 2017 12:19 pm

I was talking to a guy who was fishing last week and was using liquorice as bait.
I asked him what he caught with it and he said............all sorts.

Bill
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Wed Feb 08, 2017 12:21 pm

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below and says " I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."


Melania says "Oh, honey why not throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make 10 Americans happy?"


So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 people happy?"


To which the pilot says "Why don't you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?

Bill
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Feb 08, 2017 12:29 pm

Few good ones there, thanks lads.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Sat Feb 18, 2017 1:51 am

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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