Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Jul 21, 2016 3:54 pm

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his upholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You need more ammo!”
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Fri Jul 22, 2016 8:57 am

Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) wrote:A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his upholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You need more ammo!”


Ernie

Is he a cowboy who like his comfort or did you mean 'unholstered'? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Bern
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Fri Jul 22, 2016 11:10 am

Thanks Bern.

Dead right.

I will email the guy who sent it to me who will
probably email the guy who sent it to him etc etc. and it might even come back to Joe one day :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Fri Jul 22, 2016 1:34 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Jul 29, 2016 9:39 am

Here are a few for funny Friday.

After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know.
She really is as sexy as hell; secondly the staff at Madame Taussauds are miserable ba**ards with no sense of humour!!

Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing back flips, moonwalking, the works.
The other half says, "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down." I replied, “Looks like he’s still celebrating."

A visiting foreigner has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; Police say it's definitely race related...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not the one for him.

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Jul 30, 2016 12:18 pm

This one is a bit risqué.






Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however They had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the
cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought She would take off her
panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive Pair of panties and did
not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave That had a wreath with a
ribbon on it, so she Proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to Go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned That his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned
the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My
wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck
to her ass that said......
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Mon Aug 01, 2016 1:22 pm

A man says to his wife "they have brought out a new range of condoms for the Olympic Games, and so I bought some to try. There are three colours, gold, silver and bronze"
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" She asked.
"Gold of course" he replied proudly.
"Why don't you wear silver" she said. "It would be nice if you came second for a change"

:) :) :)

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Aug 03, 2016 9:24 am

Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman.


A plane passed through a severe storm.
The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.
She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence.
Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.

No one moved.

He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer'













































           

















Last edited by Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) on Thu Aug 04, 2016 9:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Aug 04, 2016 9:29 am

Bit of fun here.

Hard to pick a winner here... BRAINS OF BRITAIN
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:
What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers' ?
Contestant:
Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman:
No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you


BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:
Where do you think Cambridge University is ?
Contestant:
Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston:
There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:
Leicester


BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White:
Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World ?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Stewart White:
I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow ?
Contestant:
Arm
Stewart White:
Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:
Strong.
Stewart White:
Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name ?
Contestant:
Louis
Stewart White:
Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World ?
Contestant:
Frank Sinatra ?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski:
What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant:
France.
Trelinski:
France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:
Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski:
Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon ?
Contestant:
Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski:
Just guess a country then.
Contestant:
Paris.


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:
Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party ?
Contestant:
The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark:
For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope ?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:
I think I know that one.. Is it Jewish ?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne:
What was Gandhi's first name ?
Contestant:
Goosey ?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter:
What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant:
I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO ? MANCHESTER )
Phil:
What's 11 squared ?
Contestant:
I don't know.
Phil:
I'll give you a clue It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:
Is it five ?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman ?
Contestant:
Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard:
On which street did Sherlock Holmes live ?
Contestant:
Er. ... ...
Richard:
He makes bread . .. ..
Contestant:
Er .. ......
Richard:
He makes cakes . .. ..
Contestant:
Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter:
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world ?
Contestant:
Barcelona..
Presenter:
I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:
I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .



NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question:
What is the world's largest continent ?
Contestant:
The Pacific.



ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter:
Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci
Contestant:
Who Framed Roger Rabbit ?



THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:
What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant:
Magna Carta ?



JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien:
How many kings of England have been called Henry ?
Contestant:
Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three ?


CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle:
In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller:
Japan.
Chris Searle:
I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again..
Caller:
Er ........ Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat:
How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last ?
Contestant (long pause):
Fourteen days.



DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:
In which country would you spend shekels ?
Contestant:
Holland ?
Daryl Denham:
Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:
Iceland? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully)
It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant:
No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood:
What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible ?
Contestant:
Er... .... ...
Phil Wood:
It's got two syllables .. .. . Kor . .
Contestant:
Blimey ?
Phil Wood:
Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant:
(Silence)
Phil Wood:
OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:
Walked ?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:
What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time ?
Contestant:
Nostalgia.



LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter:
What religion was Guy Fawkes ?
Contestant:
Jewish.
Presenter:
That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:
Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play ?
Contestant:
Jesus.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby elliott » Wed Aug 17, 2016 4:26 pm

hi

must have been listening to billy butlers give me a clue billy.

norman elliott
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Thu Aug 25, 2016 8:33 am

A guy goes into a Scottish baker's...
"How much is that cake?"
"A poond."
"And how much is that one?"
"A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!"
"Oh, OK. What about that one?"
"Ach, that one's two poonds."
"Oh. Why's that then?"
"That's Madeira cake."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Aug 25, 2016 9:14 am

Actual call centre messages

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too XXXXXXg stupid to own a computer!!!!!'
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Sep 13, 2016 8:53 am

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Sep 14, 2016 1:49 pm

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.


"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair. "
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Sep 23, 2016 5:32 pm

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Oct 04, 2016 9:09 am

THE LOVE DRESS


A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
Walked in. She was shocked to see her
Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
Perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.'
The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress,
He instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
Undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
Dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
On the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
And saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'It needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Oct 05, 2016 10:07 am

I started a new job today in the planetarium - things are looking up!
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Fri Oct 07, 2016 8:58 am

A bloke goes to his doctors because he's got a lettuce stuck up his ar$e, doc tries to get it out, pulling, tugging, trying to yank it out, the bloke's screaming in agony and yells, "Is that it, have you got it out?" Doc says, "No, that's just the tip of the iceberg."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Sheelagh Tequila » Fri Oct 07, 2016 9:56 am

Bernie.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

Sheelagh :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby bjones » Fri Oct 07, 2016 10:11 am

:cry: :cry: :cry:
Oh dear Bernie I wish there was a "head shaking" emoticon :lol:
Bee

"Life" is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Sat Oct 08, 2016 11:30 am

If you spell out the name of Man Utd 'star player' Paul Pogba backwards you get abgopluap which makes no sense at all - pretty much the same as the £89 miliion they paid for him!
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Sat Oct 08, 2016 11:35 am

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.
' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Oct 09, 2016 9:30 am

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Tue Oct 11, 2016 8:39 am

:D :D :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Oct 18, 2016 11:21 am

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior, "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It is," sighed the Sister, "and I went golfing with my brother. We try to golf as often as we can. You know, before I devoted my life to Christ, I was quite a talented golfer."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee, and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior. A 540 yard Par 5, elevated tee box, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green, and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made."

"And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted. . . and it hits a bird in mid-flight!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother Superior, "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, a squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister, "and I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether or not this was a sign from God, an eagle swooped down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel and flew off,
with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So, that's when you cursed," said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

"No, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished. "Just as the eagle started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling; the eagle dropped him right there on the green and the ball popped out of his paws and it rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said: "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Shelagh » Tue Oct 18, 2016 1:15 pm

Bernie..you're a tonic.... just had a good laugh at that one :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Tue Oct 18, 2016 3:26 pm

There has been a survey on how people walk home from the pub.
The results are staggering.

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Oct 21, 2016 8:49 am

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.

'Allo, Allo, Allo, What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'Ta be shure, O'im making love to me missus,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Oct 27, 2016 10:11 am

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..
The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'
Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green ...'
Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at the Telstra-Clear call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to the bugger
I know I have.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Oct 28, 2016 2:53 pm

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 notes falling out of that bag.."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them.. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Mon Oct 31, 2016 1:32 pm

Don't know whether this has been posted before, just trying to keep the thread going. There is more tumbleweed on this Forum than Dodge City at the moment :(

From Thomas Cook Holidays listing some of their UK clientele’s genuine complaints.

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

13. "There was no egg-slicer in the apartment."

14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

15. "The roads were uneven.."

16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers -- will we be OK staying there?"

19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad."

20. "We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was bitten by a mosquito. No-one said they could bite."

23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room.
We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Fri Nov 04, 2016 9:46 am

WHISKY ???

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The sweet shop owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy, "It's a puppy."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Tue Nov 08, 2016 10:20 am

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie .
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going, you Dickhead!
Now we're going to have to pi$$ in the boat."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bonesy » Wed Nov 09, 2016 10:25 am

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon”. Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. I’ve come to……”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat”.
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too ….you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, my, that’s a lot of …” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
“This was done on the top of a bus.”
“Oh my god!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your um…equipment ?”
“That’s right. Well madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod??
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?…..Good Lord, she’s fainted!!


Keith
SO MANY PEOPLE, MY FAMILY OF FRIENDS
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Nov 20, 2016 11:46 pm

More kids stories.


A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's

Name?" One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name
was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

***********

3-year-old Charley:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm Having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
The way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy
Replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian
Home, and I wanted to stay with you. "

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's
Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to
The end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
Church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One Bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old child and her four-year-old brother were sitting
Together in church. The brother giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" he asked.
She pointed to the back of the church and said,

"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
Seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
Six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
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