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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Nice one Joe.

From a late riser.

:D :D :D
Eddy Lloyd
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Location: Waterloo

Some gooduns there guys :)
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filsgreen
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:lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
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Thanks for your comments Lily, Ernie Eddy and Phil. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Location: merseyside

A little old lady walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady replies, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it right here in this bag..."

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. In light of this highly unusual event, the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank involved. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.


She says, "Gambling.""Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 10:1 odds. You got $10,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of Bank of America without knowing a thing or two about money.

"I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you... there's just no way you could win that bet!" The little old lady just shook the bag and said, "I know what I'm doing... and I can afford to lose! Is it a bet?"
"OK, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it." See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"


"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please, drop your pants!"
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to check it. "OK, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills.

As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president."Oh, he's just upset... sore loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him.




That I would have the President of Bank of America by the balls by noon today!" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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filsgreen
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:lol: :lol: Good one Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Thanks Phil. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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Bernie R
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Location: Netherton

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that
little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
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Brilliant, Bernie :lol: :lol:
Eddy Lloyd
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Location: Waterloo

Love it :)
graham01
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:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Nice one Bernie. :D :D :D

Brings to mind a similar joke. No doubt a repeat but I still laugh.

A tourist plans to take a three day walk through an American National park famous for grizzly bears so he asks the park warden for advice.

The warden says " Make sure you have a companion that can't run as fast as you". Also wear a string of small bells around your neck as Grizzlies are very timid and they run away when they hear you coming"

Tourist. "What do I do if they don't run away".

Warden. "That's easy. Just throw Grizzly Bear dung at them and they will definitely run away".

Tourist. " How do I know its Grizzly Bear dung.

Warden. " That's easy too. You can easily recognise it as it is full of little bells".
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filsgreen
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:lol: :lol:
graham01
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:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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Invicta
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Location: Garden of England

Girl goes into Police Station

Girl. "A man just opened his car door and exposed himself to me"

Desk Sergeant. " Did he have an erection" ?

Girl. " No he had a Ford Escort "


I'll get me coat :lol: K
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Ken. :D

Did you hear about the Jewish guy who called in to report that his pullover had been nicked. :roll:
graham01
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Ken have you been opening the xmas crackers early?
Saw stevie on my way back from the village,he sends his regards to you also.
Ps just cracked open the first mythos of the day.
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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Bernie R
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Ernie

That latest of yours is a dead-end gag if ever there was one!

Bern
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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I never realised you were Jewish......I never knew it caused a 'dead end'.

I learn something every day. That is TWO for today.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Location: Stalybridge Manchester
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He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?”

After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes" or did she say ‘No‘? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes" or did you say “No”?

"Why, you silly man." she replied, "I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!"

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called. I couldn't remember who asked me!"
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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THIS COULD BE USEFUL TO SOME OF OUR MEMBERS :shock: ???

A couple, both age 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Titanic charges £108. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Medicare."
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Some good one's posted lads :D :D :D some sound familiar, keep posting them guys. :D :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Confession

A priest sees a woman walking towards the confession box.
The woman attends every week, but never has anything to confess
so the priest asks the caretaker to sit in the confession box in his place.
He tells the caretaker the woman never sins so just listen to her confession
Then give her 3 hail Marys.
The woman confesses to giving a man oral sex and the caretaker panics and looks out of the confessional for the priest.
The only person around is an Altar boy, so the caretaker asks him what the priest usually gives for oral sex.



To which the alte’r boy replies "2 Mars bars and a can of Coke" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
graham01
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Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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Bernie R
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Location: Netherton

I was walking across an athletics field yesterday and I saw this bloke with a long, thin metal tube over his shoulder, so I said to him, "are you a pole vaulter?". He replied, "´No, I´m German, and how did you know my name?"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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filsgreen
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Are aye Bernie :lol:
nicolas
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Bernie R
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Location: Netherton

:shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Bernie R
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Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2008 9:30 am
Location: Netherton

My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" - I said maybe...
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
graham01
Posts: 616
Joined: Thu Feb 19, 2009 10:23 pm

:D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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fatboyjoe90
Posts: 5648
Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

A woman was helping her husband set up his new

Computer, and at the Appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password.

Something he would use to log-on.

Her husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

> P...
> E...
> N...
> I...
> S...
> His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied. :lol: :lol: :lol:








***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH*** :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Ernie Jackson. (Bunty)
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Prince Harry catches toddler stealing his popcorn in adorable scenes at Invictus Games.

This was a headline on the internet recently.


He was lucky. The toddler could have pinched his nuts???

The best jokes are the originals....all my own work.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

Some good one's guys. :lol: :lol: :lol: Keep them coming. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
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Joined: Tue Sep 15, 2009 6:29 pm
Location: merseyside

What to Make of the Strange Noises in the Graveyard?
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said: "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said: "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too.

Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. :?:
















It's just Beethoven decomposing." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Bernie R
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Location: Netherton

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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