Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Fri Jul 21, 2017 11:15 pm

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.*
*He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours.*
*The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming
*So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a
farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty,
you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I
expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".*
*The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced
professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very
different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he
continued on his way.*
*However, a short time later torrential rain fell from the sky. The King
and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them
in such a shameful condition.*
*Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the
weatherman at once!*
*Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high
paying role of royal forecaster.*
*The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping,
it means with certainty that it will rain."*
*So the king hired the donkey.*
*And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and
occupy its highest and most influential positions.

One from my Sheila

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. To his surprise, he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap and on the other wall a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must say that the confessional box is surely more inviting than I remember it to be as a lad."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby paulmack » Sat Jul 29, 2017 9:33 pm

She whispers in my ear and ask me how my day was, and what I'm doing later
She rubs her fingers through my hair
She does exactly as I say
She runs her breast near my face
She blows me dry before I leave for the day
She always has the time for me
She always lets me sit in my favourite chair
She dresses to impress every day of the week
She cleans up after me and herself

Shame ..On you perverts

She is my hairdresser
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Aug 07, 2017 8:34 am

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Tue Aug 08, 2017 8:38 am

:) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Tue Aug 08, 2017 9:05 am

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was pledged to someone else...

One day, Johnny went up to her and said 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl said NO.
Johnny said 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called him with the story.
He said 'Ask for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she made the proposal and Johnny accepted.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend was still waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

"The B****** used coins".

Management lesson:

Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and ending getting screwed
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Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Aug 10, 2017 2:07 pm

Making a baby.

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!---

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith...

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and Out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Aug 13, 2017 10:09 am

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did, he pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

‘I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.’
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Sun Aug 13, 2017 2:49 pm

:D :D :D graham.
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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