Joes Jokes

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Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jun 20, 2014 9:10 pm

Have a wonderful Evening AND a scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their email with their hand on the mouse. :lol: :lol: :lol:

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife.":lol: :lol: :lol:

Paddy and Mick are doing a crossword. Paddy says, "Flightless bird from Iceland, six and seven letters?"
Mick says, "That's easy, frozen chicken, stupid!":lol: :lol: :lol:

This wire wool is good stuff I've just knitted my first kettle. :roll: :roll: :lol:

After reading a book about Houdini, I decided to take up escapology as a hobby.
I wouldn't recommend it to anyone though, Once you get into, it's difficult to get out of it. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.
Shrek said, "I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure"? Angelina Jolie agreed. "I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder."Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'
They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking "MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL" to confirm for them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous and Brad Pitt was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings. The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.' Angelina Jolie said "it's true, the mirror told me I was the most gorgeous woman in the world" Brad Pitt said "who the heck is fatboyjoe90 :lol: :lol: :lol:
Last edited by fatboyjoe90 on Sun Jun 22, 2014 11:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Kathy John Moorcroft » Sun Jun 22, 2014 1:20 am

:D Got me with the first one Joe, :D

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Jun 22, 2014 11:52 pm

I was having a debate in a pub in Glasgow and a guy come up and told me he had a beer bottle with my name on it. I thought, just like coca-cola, that's cool.I woke up 6 hours later in the hospital with thirty stitches in my head.:roll: :roll: :roll:

The wife had a right go at me this morning for peeing in the shower.She says from now on, she'll go to B & Q on her own. :oops: :lol: :lol:

I took the wife out for a walk in the country and we met face to face with this really, really massive cow in one of the fields.She said, "Look at the size of those big saggy udders!", I said, Oh My Gosh! A talking cow!" :lol: :lol: :roll:

Paddy the Chief Stoker walks into the mess Bar He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Chief Stoker just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Tipperary baby boy.."Two weeks later the Chief Stoker Comes back from Compassionate Leave and Walks in to the Mess Bar . The Mess Hand says, "Say, Chief you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?
Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks ... so how much does he weigh now?"
The proud Chief Stoker answers, "Seventeen pounds".
The Mess Hand is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Chief takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the Bar and proudly says...
"Had him circumcised."
God Bless The Irish!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:


:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby blueskies 62 » Mon Jun 23, 2014 12:50 am

brill :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Kathy John Moorcroft » Mon Jun 23, 2014 2:43 am

:D Funny Joe. :D

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby beardedpapa » Mon Jun 23, 2014 8:54 am

Like the punch line Joe

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Jun 23, 2014 3:51 pm

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK
01. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
02. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
03. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
04. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
05. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
06. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
07. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
08. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
09. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
10. WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF :? :D


A Catholic Priest was disheartened at his empty church every Sunday, especially as the Mosque was packed at every call to prayer.
"What am I doing wrong?" He asked the Mullah.
"Well what happens to a Catholic when they die?" Said the Mullah.
"They spend eternity in heaven in the company of God, Jesus, the virgin Mary, and all the saints the angels," replied the priest.
"Ah, there's your problem," answered the Mullah, " only one virgin." :roll: :)



I spent 25 minutes waving to an old lady today,Then I realised she was cleaning her Windows. :) :)


My wife cleared out a load of her old clothes today.
I said, "Shall I throw all these in the bin?"
She said, "No way!
Take them to the charity shop. There are deprived Ethiopians that'll make use of those."
I said, "Yeah you're right. You can never have too many spare tents." :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Jun 23, 2014 11:21 pm

BREAKING NEWS:
I witnessed absolutely disgusting behaviour on the on the prom in Llandudno today. Saw a man and woman having an almighty argument in front of a load of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy on the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took out his baton to the man. The guy managed to snatch it off him and began to assault the copper and his wife.
Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages.
I love watching Punch and Judy! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he! Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown." :lol: :lol: :lol:

A rare bat has been found in a barn in Essex.
Its rumoured to be the one that England captain,Alaistair Cook,used to score runs with!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby lily8 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 9:25 am

Keep them coming Joe and thanks for posting them always have a chuckle :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jun 24, 2014 10:25 pm

I don't know why antique experts are so obsessed with the Ming Dynasty.
Have they forgotten he tried to destroy the Earth and kill Flash Gordon :?: :lol:

Father and daughter having a conversation;
DAUGHTER: Dad I'm in love with a boy who is far away. I'm in Australia & he lives in U.K.. We met on dating website, became friends on FB, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, & now we've had 2 months of relationship thru Viber. Dad, I need your blessings & good wishes.
FATHER: Wow! Really? Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, & send them thru PayPal. And if you are fed up with him, sell him on EBay ! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Image :lol: :lol:

Image :lol: :lol:

Image :lol: :lol:

Image :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jun 25, 2014 1:34 am

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad.

Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I was told that to get a man I need to get a good pair of hooters first." :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jun 26, 2014 8:47 pm

England manager Roy Hodgson has set up a friendly match for the England team against Iceland to try and cheer fans up.
If they win that game, they'll play Tesco's next Saturday and then Asda on Wednesday! :lol: :lol: :lol:

Little Johnny was in his maths lesson one day when his teacher asked him a question to see if he was paying attention.
"If I gave you £20," she began, "and you gave £5 to Mary, £5 to Sally and £5 to Susan, what would you have?"
Johnny thought about this and then answered, "An orgy?" :roll: :lol: :lol:

An argument with a woman is like reading the Software Licence Agreement. At the end, you ignore everything and click "I Agree”! :roll: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Kathy John Moorcroft » Fri Jun 27, 2014 12:19 am

:D :D :D Joe,' it's the way ya tell em.' :D :D :D

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jun 27, 2014 11:44 pm

Many people claim that kids today no longer know right from wrong. As a teacher, I can categorically state that this isn't even close to the whole truth.
Most of the little Sods don’t even know right from left. :lol: :lol: :lol:

A few nights ago, I was down the pub having a lively debate with a few mates when a woman from the next table walks over and starts having a go at me. I'm not entirely sure which bit of the discussion she had overheard, but she started accusing me of being prejudiced against certain races -- which I am.
I said to her, "I'm sorry, but I do personally think that certain races are just inherently stupid and pointless and we need to get rid of them."
In a really uppity tone, she says, "Oh, really? Can you give me some examples?"
I said, "Sure. The egg-and-spoon ... the three-legged ..." :lol: :lol: :lol:

My wife asked me today for a metaphor to describe her breasts.
"They're beautiful like the autumn leaves" I said
"Aww, that's so sweet. What do you mean by that?" she asked "Falling" :lol: :lol: :lol:

Primark shopper finds 'cry for help' stitched into her £10 dress.
Miss Jones, 25, claims that a £10 dress that she purchased from a Primark store in Swansea contained a label reading
'forced to listen to One Direction while working' :?: :lol: :lol:

Image :lol:

Image :lol:

Image :lol:

Image :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Mack » Fri Jun 27, 2014 11:49 pm

LOL Joe :D :D :D :D

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Jun 29, 2014 1:46 am

Image :lol: :lol:


A study in New Scientist found that the way someone sneezes can say a lot about a person.
For example, if they hold their sneeze in, they're humble. If they cover it, they're respectful.
And if they just sneeze into the air, they're working at the counter in McDonalds. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Kathy John Moorcroft » Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:02 pm

:lol: :lol: Joe you always give me a giggle to start my day. :lol: :lol:

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:50 am

A BIT TOO EAGER

I checked into my hotel in Florida on Monday and was a bit lonely. I thought I would call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself "Velvet Touch," a lovely girl bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places,beautiful long wavy hair, long
graceful legs -- Well, you get the picture. I figured, what the hell, give her a call.

"Hello," says the woman. She sounded so sexy. Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated,I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait. I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is HOT SEX. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements,toys rubber,
leather, whips everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

She says "That sounds fantastic, but you will need to press 9 for an outside line." :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:53 am

Image :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jul 02, 2014 12:32 am

Finally Pregnant
A young Sailors wife had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant.
The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly.
As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
“Sir,” she said, “I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust.” She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience.
He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy.
He added, but confidentially, I changed $ocks. :oops:
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too." :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jul 02, 2014 12:34 am

A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.
"We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.
"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.
"It doesn't really matter", they say, "as long as he fits in the cannon". :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jul 02, 2014 12:35 am

The local Sky Pilot's Sunday sermon was 'Forgive Your Enemies'.
Toward the end of the service he asked his congregation, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question.
As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady. 'Old Jenny Wren,' inquired the Vicar, 'are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
'I don't have any.' she replied, smiling sweetly. 'Jenny Wren, that is very unusual. How old are you?' 'One Hundred.' she replied.
'Oh, Mrs. Wren, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live One Hundred years and not have an enemy in the world.'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the Bar-stewards"! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Jul 02, 2014 12:36 am

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bar-steward”, says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby lily8 » Wed Jul 02, 2014 3:44 am

Joe love your Jokes posts thank you for giving us a smile to start the day :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby blueskies 62 » Wed Jul 02, 2014 8:38 am

ONCE A GAIN JOE BRILLIANT :lol: BRILL
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jul 03, 2014 12:23 am

Thanks Lily, and Blue. :wink:

Minor Surgery
A handsome young man went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a Mate stopped by to see how the guy was doing.
His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc.
"Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."
"I know!" grinned the patient.
"But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches." :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jul 03, 2014 12:24 am

Women’s RESPOND TO PICK UP LINES
Guy: If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put I and U together.
Women: Oh really, because if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put F and U together.
Guy: Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Women: Did it hurt when they kicked you out of hell?
Guy: "Where have you been all my life"
Women: "Hiding from you. How the hell did you find me?"
Guy: I would die for you.
Women: Prove it.

Guy: "Haven't I seen you some place before?"
Women: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there any more."
Guy: So what do you do for a living?
Women: Female impersonator.
Guy: "Is this seat empty?"
Women: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Guy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Women: "It's in the phone book."
Guy: "But I don't know your name."
Women: "That's in the phone book too."
Guy: "What sign were you born under?"
Women: "No Parking."
Guy: "I know how to please a woman."
Women: "Then please leave me alone."
:roll: :roll: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jul 03, 2014 12:26 am

Ten Signs You Are NOT Romantic
10. You ask the waiter for a seat near the ************ it minimizes the time it takes for your food to arrive.
9. She doesn't like the "I'm The Property of ........." t-shirt you got her for your anniversary.
8. You take your date out for dinner that consists of a coupon for free meal and half price on drinks.
7. Her candlelight dinners really irritate you 'cause it's so hard to read the sport's page while eating.
6. You apologize with a dozen dandelions.
5. After a romantic dinner, you offer to do the dishes by letting the dog lick the plates.
4. You consider matelot Slang the "language of love".
3. Some say it with flowers, you say it with spark plugs.
2. When your boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed, you said, "Shhh!... talk to me during the commercial."
1. "I thought a ring out of a Lucky Bag looked prettier than real diamonds." :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jul 03, 2014 12:28 am

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.
Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'S#ite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'S#ite and double s#ite!'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'Jaysus... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a
look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into
the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was pi$$ed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned, you left your wheelchair at the pub. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Elaine1967 » Thu Jul 03, 2014 12:45 am

Some good ones there Joe, may need to pinch a few me thinks :P :lol:
Keep them coming...
Ms Elaine Twinkle

You're along time dead, make the most of today !!
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Jul 03, 2014 12:52 am

Thanks Elaine Help yourself that is what the internet is for it’s all about sharing. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Charlie35 » Thu Jul 03, 2014 4:13 am

Lots of crackers there Joe,Thanks for the laughs
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby PETER CRAIG » Thu Jul 03, 2014 9:05 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Life would be a perpetual flea hunt if we were obliged to run down all the innuendos and insinuations which are uttered against us :wink:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Kathy John Moorcroft » Thu Jul 03, 2014 9:22 am

Love em Joe, especially the 'pick up lines.' :lol: :lol:

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Jul 04, 2014 12:08 am

Thanks Charlie, Peter, and Kathy. :wink:

A blonde decided one day that she was sick and tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decided to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband was off at work, she took it upon herself to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband left for work, she got down to the task at hand. Her husband arrived home at 5:30 and smelt the distinctive smell of paint. He walked into the living room only to find his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He noticed that she was wearing both a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. Going over to her he asked her if she was OK.
Yes she replied, so he asks what she was doing. She replied that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asked her why she had both a ski jacket and a fur coat on. Then she replied that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it had said, FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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fatboyjoe90
 
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