Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Sep 28, 2017 9:13 am

Are aye Bernie :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby nicolas » Thu Sep 28, 2017 11:42 am

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.

This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Thu Sep 28, 2017 12:26 pm

:shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Thu Sep 28, 2017 2:29 pm

My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" - I said maybe...
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Thu Sep 28, 2017 4:13 pm

:D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Sep 28, 2017 9:09 pm

A woman was helping her husband set up his new

Computer, and at the Appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a password.

Something he would use to log-on.

Her husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

> P...
> E...
> N...
> I...
> S...
> His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied. :lol: :lol: :lol:








***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH*** :oops: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Fri Sep 29, 2017 10:32 pm

Prince Harry catches toddler stealing his popcorn in adorable scenes at Invictus Games.

This was a headline on the internet recently.


He was lucky. The toddler could have pinched his nuts???

The best jokes are the originals....all my own work.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Oct 01, 2017 11:56 pm

Some good one's guys. :lol: :lol: :lol: Keep them coming. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Oct 01, 2017 11:58 pm

What to Make of the Strange Noises in the Graveyard?
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple of days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said: "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said: "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too.

Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. :?:
















It's just Beethoven decomposing." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Oct 02, 2017 8:43 am

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Mon Oct 02, 2017 8:47 am

Thanks lads :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Mon Oct 02, 2017 12:26 pm

:) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Mon Oct 02, 2017 12:51 pm

:D :D :D
Girl goes on an internet date after being single for years. She meets up with a guy and they get on well.at the end of the night out they go to her place.
After a bit of kissing he takes off his tie then washes his hands ,strange she thinks.
He takes off all his cloths and then hers.each time he takes something off he washes his hands.
They finally go to bed and make love.in the morning she says to him you are a dentist arent you.
How do you know?








Because i didnt feel a thing.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Oct 03, 2017 1:22 am

I’m loving these jokes guys keep posting them. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Oct 03, 2017 1:24 am

Returning home from work, a young blonde woman was shocked to find that her house had been ransacked and burglarised.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash.

The blonde woman ran out on the porch and shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog.
Then she sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and moaned, "I came home to find all my possessions stolen. I called the police for help, and what do they do?








They send me a BLIND policeman! :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Oct 03, 2017 8:27 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Tue Oct 03, 2017 11:14 am

Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Tue Oct 03, 2017 1:04 pm

:D :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Tue Oct 03, 2017 4:18 pm

:) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby nicolas » Tue Oct 03, 2017 10:40 pm

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing

that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He then announced that he would now buy
at $20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys
became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy
on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will
sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!



Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works!
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Oct 04, 2017 9:14 am

Probably been on the thread before but it's popped up on my Facebook memories so...

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry."
The policeman fainted.

:shock: :lol:
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Oct 04, 2017 9:57 am

Good one Bernie :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Oct 04, 2017 10:48 am

Another nice one Bernie :lol: :lol: :lol: Can't say I have heard that one before.

Great thread here. Just like all being in the pub together.

There must also be plenty of non posters having a good laugh too, just like in the pub with the group next to you, who you don't even know, listening in and having a chuckle.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Oct 04, 2017 11:29 am

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where the ship?
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Oct 04, 2017 1:17 pm

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you £50 the man is going to jump.
"The blonde replies, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette £50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then.
"No, you have to take it," says the blonde. :wink: :roll:







"I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Oct 05, 2017 1:43 am

Paddy was working at the timber yard and accidentally shears off his fingers.
He runs to the hospital, where the Doctor says, "give me the fingers and I’ll see what I can do."
Paddy replies, "I haven’t got the fingers."
The Doctor says, "what do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?
We could have done microsurgery.
I could have sewn them back on.
Why on Earth didn't you bring the fingers?"















The man replies, "I couldn’t feckin pick them up!” :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Oct 05, 2017 9:40 am

Couple of good ones there, Joe :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Oct 07, 2017 11:55 pm

Thanks for that Phil. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Oct 08, 2017 12:04 am

I was telling my mate today about a threesome I had with these hot twins on the weekend.

In awe, he asked me, 'How could you tell them apart?'

I told him, 'One of them was blonde, long gorgeous legs and massive breasts. Her brother had a beard.' :lol: :lol: :lol:


IS THIS WHAT WE ARE HEADING TOWARDS?

A little lad says, “Daddy, how was I born?”

His computer geek Dad says “Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway."

"Well, you see your Mum and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mum and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a feckin' Pop-Up appeared and said.



You've Got Male. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Silver-Haired-Hippy » Sun Oct 08, 2017 12:18 am

Hi Joe, you crack me up! :lol: :lol: :lol: sorry I don't post replies often but I enjoy your jokes!!! :D

Loretta
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Oct 08, 2017 12:21 am

Thanks for that Loretta. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:59 pm

The Golfer

> An avid golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
> hospital.
> Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have
> some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that
> I have to remove your right arm!"
> "Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
> good news?"
> "The good news is... I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
> woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I can go ahead with the
> transplant"
> "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
> The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
> when he bumped into the surgeon.
> "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
> "Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My
> new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
> "That's great," said the surgeon.
> "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
> learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
> landscapes in watercolours."
> "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the
> transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
> "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking, and
> every time I get an erection I also get a headache
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:51 pm

Phil. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 8:54 pm

A team of archaeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with
the symbols of a woman a donkey a shovel a fish, and a Star of David on
the wall.
The head archaeologist points to the first drawing.
"This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem."
He says.
"The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil.
The shovel means they were able to forge tools.
Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish:
If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food.
The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews."
The second archaeologist shakes his head.
"Hebrew is read from right to left," he explains. :roll:









"It says, Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chic. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:22 pm

:) :D :D
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