Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Sep 19, 2017 6:14 am

I wish I could remember half of these jokes. :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Sep 19, 2017 10:15 pm

Just read that a blue whale's fart bubbles are so big a horse could stand inside one.

Exactly like the wife's on a Sunday morning after a night on the Guinness and a curry, then!




I spoke to my mate Raj the other day. I said
"Isn't it funny how Syrians are just like Staffordshire Bull terriers?" He gave me the filthiest look and said
"Why because some of them are brown and you think that a few of them are too aggressive?"
"No, not at all, the feckers are everywhere and people are having a nightmare trying to re home them." :lol: :lol: :lol:




My wife said she misses the gentleman that she married years ago.

What's the problem?
Didn't I hold the umbrella yesterday when she changed my tyres? :lol: :lol: :lol:



Did you hear about the incontinent Scotsman?

He had a wee problem. :lol: :lol: :lol:




While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care. :lol: :lol: :lol:



I was on the last train home last night and the carriage was empty except for me and this sexy brunette sitting opposite.

I'd had a few drinks and was feeling a bit confident so I gave her a wink and a smile. She winked back and gave a little giggle.

Knowing that I was well in, I leant forwards and gently ran my finger up her leg. She gave me a look of shock, but didn't protest.

I caressed her thigh and gave it a gentle squeeze. She furrowed her brow but still no complaint.

With that my desire took over. I dived into the vacant seat next to her and grabbed one of her breasts and pulled it out. She squealed as I licked it all over and gave it a cheeky nibble.

Then I slowly sat back down in my seat and we exchanged stares. After a minute of silence she looked at me, with a little tear in her eye and said,






"You've ruined my KFC" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Sep 20, 2017 10:54 am

Are you a Apple Lover???

Subject: Apple Computer

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte,

Then everything crashed!
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Sep 20, 2017 10:04 pm

Good one Ernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Sep 20, 2017 10:06 pm

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman
stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.'
The daughter-in-law answered.
' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.
'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.
'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best
perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting
for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.
'What are you doing?' he asked.
'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.










'Needs Feckin ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner? :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Thu Sep 21, 2017 3:13 am

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very
frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack
selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an
over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none just ties pure silk and only $5."
"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little
neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find
water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not
want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me
infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue
over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant.
It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need... Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...

"They won't let me in without a tie!
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Thu Sep 21, 2017 7:10 am

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f****** Brick wall!"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Sep 21, 2017 6:25 pm

Matt. :lol: :lol: :lol:


Bernie. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Sep 21, 2017 11:23 pm

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he
would never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money
is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the
money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking
about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head
and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell
him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a
brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin
Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies,

















"He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger! :D :D :D Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby lily8 » Fri Sep 22, 2017 1:25 am

Joe you are a ray of sunshine to wake up to with your jokes thanks mate :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Fri Sep 22, 2017 7:21 am

Nice one Joe.

From a late riser.

:D :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Fri Sep 22, 2017 8:26 am

Some gooduns there guys :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Sep 22, 2017 9:39 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Sep 24, 2017 1:18 am

Thanks for your comments Lily, Ernie Eddy and Phil. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Sep 24, 2017 1:24 am

A little old lady walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady replies, "Three million dollars." The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it right here in this bag..."

The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations. In light of this highly unusual event, the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank involved. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.


She says, "Gambling.""Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"
"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 10:1 odds. You got $10,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?" The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of Bank of America without knowing a thing or two about money.

"I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you... there's just no way you could win that bet!" The little old lady just shook the bag and said, "I know what I'm doing... and I can afford to lose! Is it a bet?"
"OK, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it." See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. "Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president. "He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"


"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.
"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please, drop your pants!"
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to check it. "OK, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills.

As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president."Oh, he's just upset... sore loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him.




That I would have the President of Bank of America by the balls by noon today!" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Sep 24, 2017 8:03 am

:lol: :lol: Good one Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Sep 24, 2017 9:08 pm

Thanks Phil. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Sep 25, 2017 8:09 am

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that
little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Mon Sep 25, 2017 8:14 am

Brilliant, Bernie :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Mon Sep 25, 2017 8:55 am

Love it :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Mon Sep 25, 2017 9:06 am

:D :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Mon Sep 25, 2017 9:52 am

Nice one Bernie. :D :D :D

Brings to mind a similar joke. No doubt a repeat but I still laugh.

A tourist plans to take a three day walk through an American National park famous for grizzly bears so he asks the park warden for advice.

The warden says " Make sure you have a companion that can't run as fast as you". Also wear a string of small bells around your neck as Grizzlies are very timid and they run away when they hear you coming"

Tourist. "What do I do if they don't run away".

Warden. "That's easy. Just throw Grizzly Bear dung at them and they will definitely run away".

Tourist. " How do I know its Grizzly Bear dung.

Warden. " That's easy too. You can easily recognise it as it is full of little bells".
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Mon Sep 25, 2017 9:59 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:08 am

:D :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Invicta » Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:31 am

Girl goes into Police Station

Girl. "A man just opened his car door and exposed himself to me"

Desk Sergeant. " Did he have an erection" ?

Girl. " No he had a Ford Escort "


I'll get me coat :lol: K
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:55 am

Ken. :D

Did you hear about the Jewish guy who called in to report that his pullover had been nicked. :roll:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Mon Sep 25, 2017 11:16 am

Ken have you been opening the xmas crackers early?
Saw stevie on my way back from the village,he sends his regards to you also.
Ps just cracked open the first mythos of the day.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Sep 25, 2017 1:04 pm

Ernie

That latest of yours is a dead-end gag if ever there was one!

Bern
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Mon Sep 25, 2017 1:39 pm

I never realised you were Jewish......I never knew it caused a 'dead end'.

I learn something every day. That is TWO for today.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Tue Sep 26, 2017 12:29 pm

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?”

After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes" or did she say ‘No‘? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes" or did you say “No”?

"Why, you silly man." she replied, "I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!"

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called. I couldn't remember who asked me!"
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Tue Sep 26, 2017 12:35 pm

THIS COULD BE USEFUL TO SOME OF OUR MEMBERS :shock: ???

A couple, both age 68, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Titanic charges £108. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Medicare."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Sep 27, 2017 8:22 pm

Some good one's posted lads :D :D :D some sound familiar, keep posting them guys. :D :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Sep 27, 2017 8:39 pm

Confession

A priest sees a woman walking towards the confession box.
The woman attends every week, but never has anything to confess
so the priest asks the caretaker to sit in the confession box in his place.
He tells the caretaker the woman never sins so just listen to her confession
Then give her 3 hail Marys.
The woman confesses to giving a man oral sex and the caretaker panics and looks out of the confessional for the priest.
The only person around is an Altar boy, so the caretaker asks him what the priest usually gives for oral sex.



To which the alte’r boy replies "2 Mars bars and a can of Coke" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Wed Sep 27, 2017 9:19 pm

:D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Thu Sep 28, 2017 7:44 am

I was walking across an athletics field yesterday and I saw this bloke with a long, thin metal tube over his shoulder, so I said to him, "are you a pole vaulter?". He replied, "´No, I´m German, and how did you know my name?"
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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