Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Wed Oct 11, 2017 10:38 pm

Good on you Joe,FINALLY a Jewish joke I have never hear before :lol: :lol: :lol:
and still laughing :lol: :lol: Sending it to my cousin in Israel.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Oct 13, 2017 10:18 pm

Glad you liked Matt. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Oct 15, 2017 1:35 am

Even though my wife only passed away last week, I just wish I could speak to her one last time.

I haven't a clue where my bloody golf shoes are. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Some guy came into my tattoo parlour crying. He said, "I want a tattoo of a famous postman somewhere on my body, please help me sir."

So I gave him a pat on the back. :lol: :lol: :lol:



I asked my wife what she would like for an anniversary gift.
She said, "Something gold, I like gold."
I asked, "Yes, but what?"
She said, "I honestly don't mind, just something gold."
She had very little grounds for any argument as I handed her a fish. :lol: :lol: :lol:


My wife said she wanted more excitement in the bedroom.

So I bought one of those beds that look like a racing car. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Mary says to Sue, "I have to be really careful not to get pregnant."
Sue says, "but I thought your husband just had a vasectomy?"
"That's right," says Mary, "that's why I need to be really careful." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Wed Oct 18, 2017 8:21 am

:) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Oct 18, 2017 8:41 am

God will provide

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in? I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father."I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us.""And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?""Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job, no plans and he thinks I am God.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Oct 18, 2017 8:54 am

A headline today reads 'Jessica Chastain reveals she was spanked by a producer'

I THOUGHT....That's not news....

I was spanked by my Dad over seventy years ago. :roll:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Wed Oct 18, 2017 6:26 pm

Some punny sayings


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practise safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist,
You get repossessed

With her marriage,
He got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -
Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Bill :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Oct 18, 2017 6:53 pm

Really clever, Bill, thanks for posting. :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Oct 18, 2017 6:58 pm

Hello…is this Gordon’s Pizza?



No sir, it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want …

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I don't want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol..

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another chemist.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash..

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch or spy on me.

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Wed Oct 18, 2017 7:17 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Oct 18, 2017 10:34 pm

Thanks for the jokes folks some good ones there keep them coming. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Oct 20, 2017 10:57 pm

Flight Announcement
British-airways
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilt coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" :roll:














From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled "For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!” :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Oct 20, 2017 11:01 pm

The Rabbi rose with a red face...
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the K. K. K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."
No one moved.
The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression! "
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead " gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.





I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. “ :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Oct 21, 2017 11:34 pm

When I proposed to my wife she told me to pick the outfits as long as they matched.

I looked bloody ridiculous walking down the aisle wearing a dress. :lol: :lol: :oops:


I walked up to a dwarf today and said, "That cigarette you're holding will stunt your growth."

"It's not a cigarette," he replied, "I'm blind." :oops: :lol: :lol:


Finding sweet corn in my poo left me with some questions.

How did it get there when I haven't eaten any?

Why does it not digest properly?

And why is everyone on the train staring at me :?: :oops: :D :D


Paddy wants to become a Priest, so he went to see the Bishop who said, "you must answer three questions on the Bible."

1st, who was born in a stable?'
"Red Rum," paddy said.

'2nd, what do u think of Damascus?'
"It kills 99% of all germs," paddy replied.

'3rd, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?'

"That's easy," paddy said.

"Popeye kicked the shite out of them!!" :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Oct 22, 2017 9:25 am

Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.


While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.


The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she’s finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.


Finally Barack Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he’s finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and to feel free to call the USA anytime.


Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call the USA free. The devil replied,


"Since Trump became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Mon Oct 23, 2017 9:02 am

Everton and Liverpool :) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Mon Oct 23, 2017 9:32 am

USA Political typing error.

It has been announced that TRUMP has ordered the JFK FLIES to be opened.

That's not news....Clinton did it all the time. :shock: :shock: :shock:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Oct 25, 2017 11:27 pm

The lady of the house was just sitting down to eat at a large dinner party when she accidentally breaks wind, she turns to the butler and says "Jeeves! Stop that"

the butler replies "Certainly Ma'am, which way did it go?" :lol: :lol: :lol:


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Oct 25, 2017 11:38 pm

Pakistan just got their new Chinese fighter planes and sent a squadron of pilots there for training.
'Ok, this one is easy to fly', said the Chinese trainer, 'even you fools should be able to operate it! You press this button to go up, this one to go left and this one for turning right!'
'But how do we come down?' asked Capt Arfath Pasha.

'Oh,' said the Chinese 'leave that to the British Air Force!' :lol: :lol: :lol:




PLEASE HELP
I've spent ages preparing the ingredients and now they've ended up all over the bottom of the oven.




How the feck am I supposed to put the dish in at 180 degrees? :lol: :lol: :lol:





Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Oct 26, 2017 7:25 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Thu Oct 26, 2017 10:09 am

:) :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Oct 28, 2017 1:49 am

Thanks, Ernie and Phil. :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Oct 28, 2017 1:52 am

"Excellent work class," said the teacher.
"You've all made great attempts at national costumes.
Geeta's naturally wearing a sari.
Toby's wearing a hat with corks on from Australia.
Anna's wearing a Scottish kilt, but I'm not sure why you're wearing an Arsenal shirt for Africa, Johnny?"

"Cause every famine appeal I've seen you always see one," he replied. :lol: :lol: :lol:

A Mexican came to my front door today asking if I had any See-saws.

"Yeah," I replied. "...in the back garden by the swing."

He was back a minute later. "No, Senor!" he says, "See-saws! I need to cut my hair!" :lol: :lol: :lol:



Went for an interview on a building site today.
The foreman said, "Can you make tea?"
I said, "Yes I can make tea."
He said, "Can you drive a forklift?"


I said, "Jesus Christ How big's the feckin teapot?" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sat Oct 28, 2017 4:50 am

:lol: nice one, Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Oct 31, 2017 12:49 am

Thanks for that Phil. :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Oct 31, 2017 12:54 am

Four men are sat in a bar when one of them says 'What do you think the fastest thing ever is?'.
The four men then think for a while and the first man says 'I think it's got to be blinking'.
The second man then says 'Nope, I think it's gotta be thoughts because they're almost instant'.
The third man then says 'Well I think it's electricity' and then demonstrates it's speed by flicking a light switch on and off.

The fourth man then speaks up and says 'Nope. Your all wrong.
The fastest thing ever is diarrhoea.'
The other three men then look at him puzzled before he responds by saying 'The other day I had diarrhoea and I ran into my bathroom and before I could blink, think or turn on the light,










I'd $hit my pants'. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Oct 31, 2017 8:25 am

Cheers Joe, the old ones are the best :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Oct 31, 2017 11:04 pm

Sorry about that Phil. :cry: :cry: :cry:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Oct 31, 2017 11:06 pm

An Emergency Call Centre worker in London England, has been disciplined,
much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.


It seems a male caller dialled 999 from a mobile phone stating,


"This is Muhammad El Ajakar and I am very depressed.
I am lying here on a railway track.
I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."




Apparently, "Remain calm and stay on the line,"was not considered to be an appropriate response :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Oct 31, 2017 11:13 pm

SOME UNACCEPTABLE HUMOUR!!



Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists? :lol: :lol:

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair. :lol: :lol:


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening". :roll: :oops:

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back. :roll: :D

At the Senior Citizens Center, they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, the correct answer was Africa!!! :lol: :lol:

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Nov 01, 2017 8:21 am

Treading on thick ice with a few of them, Joe :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Nov 01, 2017 9:36 am

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:46 pm

filsgreen wrote:Treading on thick ice with a few of them, Joe :D



I know Phil, I'll have to be more careful next time. :wink: :)
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Nov 01, 2017 11:48 pm

Bernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Thu Nov 02, 2017 4:46 am

My friend, we’ll call him “Tom”, was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died.
“Tom" wanted two things:
• To learn how to invest his inheritance.
• To find a wife to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 200 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother. :lol:
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