Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Dec 02, 2017 3:23 am

I walked up to the counter in the chemist and just my luck there was a girl serving.
"Erm... Morning," I said, "I need some erm... God, this is embarrassing..."
"Don't you worry sir," she leaned in and whispered reassuringly, "I get this every day!"
I smiled back.
"Condoms?" she said.
"No," I said.
"Suppositories?" she said.
"No," I said.
"Tampons?"
"No."
"Well, it can't be that embarrassing then, sir," she said with a smile.
"Paracetamol," I said.
"Paracetamol?" she said with a puzzled look. "£1.99 please. What's so embarrassing?"


Then I pulled out my little pink purse. :lol: :lol: :lol: Image

Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Sat Dec 02, 2017 5:23 am

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she not realise that our porch goes all the way round the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes" the blond replied, and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.
"Thank you" the blond said, "and by the way, it's not a Porch, it's an Audi".
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Kathy John Moorcroft » Sat Dec 02, 2017 8:04 am

Haha Joe. :D

Matt an oldie but a goodie. :D

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:37 am

Matt, :lol: :lol: :lol:

Thanks for that Kathy. :wink: :) :)
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:40 am

Escaped Zebra

Someone left the zebra's cage open by accident, and he escaped and ran to a local farm.

He approached an old hen and asked, 'What do YOU do around here?'

She said, 'I lay eggs for the farmer's breakfast.'

Then he walked over to a cow and asked, 'What do YOU do around here?'

She said, 'I give milk for the farmer's breakfast.'

Then he walked over a huge stallion and asked, 'What do YOU do around here?'

He said, 'Take off those faggy pyjamas.


And I'll show you EXACTLY what I do around here!' :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:49 am

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Wed Dec 06, 2017 10:40 am

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. When she asked if she could have a bath the lady of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to she could use a tin wash tub in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night because my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her night dress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:26 pm

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man (His country of origin omitted to avoid racist allegations) started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'
The third man replied, 'To be sure. To be sure. These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:29 pm

A couple of crackers there :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Dec 06, 2017 3:32 pm

Second Christmas Joke. (Its a cracker).

The country of Min from mid Africa has created a Department of espionage agents.

You might refer to them as MIN SPIES.
:oops: :oops: :oops: :
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:17 am

Thanks for your jokes folks. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Dec 09, 2017 12:20 am

A very attractive young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.
She had tried every technique in the book, but still, they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering,
I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."
The Englishman immediately piped up "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".
"That's no better either, Hamish." "Now, how about you, Paddy? "
The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to five and eventually blurted out: "London".
"Brilliant, Paddy! " said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.



After 10 minutes of steamy sex, Paddy said: .........."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-derry." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Mon Dec 11, 2017 9:44 am

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 11:18 pm

Ernie :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 11:20 pm

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up, and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the pharmacist.
"Six pence," says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence," says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the pharmacy, kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the pharmacist.



"The regiment has taken a vote," says the Scot. "We'll have a new one." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Mon Dec 11, 2017 11:32 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Kathy John Moorcroft » Tue Dec 12, 2017 12:13 am

Some crackers there guys, :D :D

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 4:11 pm

Thanks, Graham and Kathy. :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Dec 14, 2017 4:12 pm

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all over the country!"
"Womanising? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"







"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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