Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Wed Oct 11, 2017 11:38 pm

Good on you Joe,FINALLY a Jewish joke I have never hear before :lol: :lol: :lol:
and still laughing :lol: :lol: Sending it to my cousin in Israel.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Oct 13, 2017 11:18 pm

Glad you liked Matt. :wink: :D :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Oct 15, 2017 2:35 am

Even though my wife only passed away last week, I just wish I could speak to her one last time.

I haven't a clue where my bloody golf shoes are. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Some guy came into my tattoo parlour crying. He said, "I want a tattoo of a famous postman somewhere on my body, please help me sir."

So I gave him a pat on the back. :lol: :lol: :lol:



I asked my wife what she would like for an anniversary gift.
She said, "Something gold, I like gold."
I asked, "Yes, but what?"
She said, "I honestly don't mind, just something gold."
She had very little grounds for any argument as I handed her a fish. :lol: :lol: :lol:


My wife said she wanted more excitement in the bedroom.

So I bought one of those beds that look like a racing car. :lol: :lol: :lol:




Mary says to Sue, "I have to be really careful not to get pregnant."
Sue says, "but I thought your husband just had a vasectomy?"
"That's right," says Mary, "that's why I need to be really careful." :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Wed Oct 18, 2017 9:21 am

:) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Oct 18, 2017 9:41 am

God will provide

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in? I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father."I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us.""And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?""Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job, no plans and he thinks I am God.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Oct 18, 2017 9:54 am

A headline today reads 'Jessica Chastain reveals she was spanked by a producer'

I THOUGHT....That's not news....

I was spanked by my Dad over seventy years ago. :roll:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bill fawcett » Wed Oct 18, 2017 7:26 pm

Some punny sayings


Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practise safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist,
You get repossessed

With her marriage,
He got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted -
Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Bill :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Wed Oct 18, 2017 7:53 pm

Really clever, Bill, thanks for posting. :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Wed Oct 18, 2017 7:58 pm

Hello…is this Gordon’s Pizza?



No sir, it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual? You know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK! That’s what I want …

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten free thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I don't want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol..

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another chemist.

That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash..

That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, What’s App and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch or spy on me.

I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Wed Oct 18, 2017 8:17 pm

:D :D :D
origin waterloo.present and future bootle.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Oct 18, 2017 11:34 pm

Thanks for the jokes folks some good ones there keep them coming. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Fri Oct 20, 2017 11:57 pm

Flight Announcement
British-airways
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilt coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" :roll:














From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled "For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!” :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sat Oct 21, 2017 12:01 am

The Rabbi rose with a red face...
"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the K. K. K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community."
No one moved.
The Rabbi continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression! "
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead " gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.





I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. “ :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Oct 22, 2017 12:34 am

When I proposed to my wife she told me to pick the outfits as long as they matched.

I looked bloody ridiculous walking down the aisle wearing a dress. :lol: :lol: :oops:


I walked up to a dwarf today and said, "That cigarette you're holding will stunt your growth."

"It's not a cigarette," he replied, "I'm blind." :oops: :lol: :lol:


Finding sweet corn in my poo left me with some questions.

How did it get there when I haven't eaten any?

Why does it not digest properly?

And why is everyone on the train staring at me :?: :oops: :D :D


Paddy wants to become a Priest, so he went to see the Bishop who said, "you must answer three questions on the Bible."

1st, who was born in a stable?'
"Red Rum," paddy said.

'2nd, what do u think of Damascus?'
"It kills 99% of all germs," paddy replied.

'3rd, what happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?'

"That's easy," paddy said.

"Popeye kicked the shite out of them!!" :roll: :lol: :lol: :lol: Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Oct 22, 2017 10:25 am

Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.


While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.


The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she’s finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.


Finally Barack Obama gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he’s finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge and to feel free to call the USA anytime.


Putin goes ballistic and asks the devil why Obama got to call the USA free. The devil replied,


"Since Trump became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call."
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