Joes Jokes

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:15 pm

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.*
*He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours.*
*The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming
days.*
*So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a
farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty,
you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I
expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".*
*The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced
professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very
different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he
continued on his way.*
*However, a short time later torrential rain fell from the sky. The King
and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them
in such a shameful condition.*
*Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the
weatherman at once!*
*Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high
paying role of royal forecaster.*
*The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.
I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping,
it means with certainty that it will rain."*
*So the king hired the donkey.*
*And thus began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and
occupy its highest and most influential positions.

One from my Sheila

IRISH CONFESSIONAL
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. To his surprise, he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap and on the other wall a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must say that the confessional box is surely more inviting than I remember it to be as a lad."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby paulmack » Sat Jul 29, 2017 8:33 pm

GUESS WHO
She whispers in my ear and ask me how my day was, and what I'm doing later
She rubs her fingers through my hair
She does exactly as I say
She runs her breast near my face
She blows me dry before I leave for the day
She always has the time for me
She always lets me sit in my favourite chair
She dresses to impress every day of the week
She cleans up after me and herself




















Shame ..On you perverts

She is my hairdresser
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Aug 07, 2017 7:34 am

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

She went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Eddy Lloyd » Tue Aug 08, 2017 7:38 am

:) :) :)
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Tue Aug 08, 2017 8:05 am

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was pledged to someone else...

One day, Johnny went up to her and said 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl said NO.
Johnny said 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called him with the story.
He said 'Ask for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she made the proposal and Johnny accepted.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend was still waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called and asked what happened.

"The B****** used coins".


Management lesson:


Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and ending getting screwed
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Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Thu Aug 10, 2017 1:07 pm

Making a baby.

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!---

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat!

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith...

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and Out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'


Mrs. Smith fainted
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Ernie Jackson. (Bunty) » Sun Aug 13, 2017 9:09 am

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did, he pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'


‘I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.’
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Sun Aug 13, 2017 1:49 pm

:D :D :D graham.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 11:34 pm

Thanks a lot guys for keeping this thread going since I've been AWOL :lol: :lol: I didn't think it would still be on the front page :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 11:37 pm

A woman in the US has been shot in the foot by her dog, a chocolate Labrador called Trigger.

She has now got rid of the dog and has bought a rabbit.

She is hopeful that by calling it Rampant, they can have a lot of happy times together. :lol: :lol: :lol:




The Archbishop of Canterbury has suggested that Easter should fall on the same Sunday in April every year.

I would narrow it down to the same day every year: April Fools Day. :lol: :lol: :lol:




"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any."

"Any what?"

"Yes, please." :lol: :lol: :lol:




Paddy pulls up at a red light beside a gorgeous young woman, smiles at her and lowers his window.
The woman smiles back and also lowers her window.
"Ah," says Paddy, "so you farted too?" :lol: :lol: :lol:


Image
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Thu Aug 17, 2017 2:01 am

Hi Joe,great to see you back and still telling those corny jokes :lol: :lol:
Ernie was not about to let YOUR jokes fall off any page.Hope you can get back into the
swing of things as soon as possible.You have been very greatly missed.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby lily8 » Thu Aug 17, 2017 2:34 am

Morning Joe it's been a while since I typed that lovely to see you posting again and for your jokes to start the day. Thanks Joe :D :D :D :D :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Fri Aug 18, 2017 7:41 am

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
> After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked: "Is it still a
> requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
> The rabbi responded: "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
> The priest then asked: "Have you ever eaten pork?
> To which the rabbi replied: “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
> temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
> The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
> A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest: "Father, is it
> still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
> The priest replied: "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
> The rabbi then asked him: "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
> of the flesh?”
> The priest replied: "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
> my faith.
> The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silently thinking for about
> five minutes.
> Finally, the rabbi said: "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Aug 20, 2017 6:58 pm

Phil :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Aug 20, 2017 6:59 pm

Thank for your kind comments Matt :wink: and Lily :wink:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Sun Aug 20, 2017 7:33 pm

I was talking to my granddad about magic mushrooms,

"You need to stay well away from those things, " he said, "they're feckin dangerous. "
"
"I didn't know you knew about mushrooms granddad, " I replied.

"Oh yes, you should have seen what they did to Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945, " he answered :lol: :lol: :lol:




At an interview:"Do you have any hobbies?"

"I like painting."

"Very good - what have you painted?"

"The garage." :lol: :lol: :lol:



On my first day working in a factory, the boss came up to me and asked, "How are you getting on?"

I said, "To tell you the truth, I can't believe I'm working in England with all of these different languages. Take that guy over there, for example..."

"That's Pawel," he replied. "He's Polish.

"Okay," I said. "Fair enough. What about that guy over there? What language is he speaking?"

"That's Gabor," he replied. "He's Hungarian."

"Okay," I shrugged. "What about that guy over there, mumbling to himself. What feckin language is he speaking?"

He said, "That's Bob, he's a Geordie." :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Sun Aug 20, 2017 9:06 pm

:lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Aug 21, 2017 8:33 am

Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties
Now he can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Mon Aug 21, 2017 3:28 pm

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half a crown
but it wasn't for carrying water :oops: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Aug 21, 2017 4:20 pm

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
I don't know what they did up there but now they have a daughter!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 8:13 pm

You’re on form today Bernie, with Jack and Jill. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 8:14 pm

The same with Matt. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Bernie R » Mon Aug 21, 2017 9:56 pm

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon
10,000 volts went up its ar$e
And turned its wool to nylon!
Born and raised in Romeo Street, later Lambeth Walk, Jersey Close, Garden Place, Hawthorne Rd, Gonville Rd now Netherton
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:05 pm

Little Miss Muffett sat on her tuffet,eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider and sat own beside her
and she said "bug***r off hairy legs"
Got called into the kindergarden by our daughter Sarah's teacher many years ago(42) and asked not
to teach Sarah any more nursery rhymes :oops: :oops:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:14 pm

I give up, with the both of you. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Tue Aug 22, 2017 4:00 pm

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen, next door to the
Ocean View restaurant, because they had only $6.00 among them and
Brad Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.
10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant, because
the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were lots of cute guys.
10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and,
if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the martinis were big, and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.
10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good,
the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes),
and they served fish which is good for your cholesterol.
10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the lighting was good, and the restaurant had a senior citizen discount.
10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.
10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant,
because they had never been there before.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby Matt » Tue Aug 22, 2017 4:11 pm

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have
any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a cyanide capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
"But hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Tue Aug 22, 2017 4:16 pm

:D :D :D for both.graham.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby graham01 » Tue Aug 22, 2017 4:19 pm

:D :D :D for both.graham.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Aug 22, 2017 6:54 pm

I’ll go for both also. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby filsgreen » Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:48 pm

Good ones, Matt :D
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Tue Aug 22, 2017 9:28 pm

Image :lol: :lol: :lol:
Image
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby lily8 » Wed Aug 23, 2017 3:01 am

At Aye Joe don't be unkind to us blondes :cry: :cry: :cry: nah only joshing :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:12 pm

Thanks Lily, :wink: :D
Cheers Joe.
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Re: Joes Jokes

Postby fatboyjoe90 » Thu Aug 24, 2017 10:16 pm

Those push-up bras don't work very well do they?

I'm wearing my wife's and I still can't manage more than eight And i am fecked :oops: :lol: :lol:




A guy texts his neighbor:

Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it’s no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.

The husband, feeling outrage and betrayed, grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later he gets a second text:

Bob, I really should use spell check. That should be "wifi"… Sorry! :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol:






Daily Mail online: Scientists have created rape-proof pants for women, called AR wear.


My wife's had them for years, called size 42's. :oops: :lol: :lol:



They say a hundred laughs a day is equivalent to 10 minutes of rowing.

Thanks to my wife falling down the stairs, I can now beat Steve Redgrave over 2000 metres. :lol: :lol: :lol:

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